Learning To Be

Growing up as the “ugly ducking” meant that as I became a teenager and then an adult I didn’t really understand what it meant or felt like to be wanted. I saw myself as ugly, therefore anyone who showed interest in me only wanted me for what I could do for them. In some cases it was a blow job or a quick fuck or because I have big tits. In at least one case I think it was because fucking me was taboo.

I got married at 18 to a “man” I met on the Internet because I thought he wanted me. What he wanted was to be taken care of the way his mother had always done, but with the added bonus of sex. Never mind that our sex life was mediocre on its best days. Eventually, things soured between us because I stopped being willing to cater to his every whim in an attempt to make the marriage work. When I did that, everything changed. I was finally free of a controlling, abusive, petty person who wanted the things that I could do for him, who didn’t see me as someone to be wanted and cherished and desired. While dealing with my divorce and trying to remove the baggage that a decade of marriage had brought to my life I found support in one of my best friends.

Eventually, we ended up in bed together. And all that happened was me sleeping and being held while I did so. It was the most restful night of sleep I had gotten in years. The only thing that was wanted from me was to simply get some rest and if being held and kept safe from the nightmares I was having was the way to get me that rest, then that was exactly what was going to happen. Going to bed at night being held on to quickly became a regular part of my life and I didn’t sleep as well (or sometimes at all) if they wasn’t there. Eventually, this did progress into my current relationship. We’ve been together for just over three years now.

And I’m wanted, not specifically for any physical attribute that I have, not for what I can do or provide, but for my thoughts and feelings and patience and kindness. It took me the better part of the last three years to even BEGIN to understand that. I still struggle with it. I’ve spent so much of my life feeling ugly and unwanted as a person that it just never occurred to me that my partner would or could or even should want me like that. The only type of want that I had known in my adult life prior to this was one that sometimes left me feeling vulnerable or used. But mostly I just never felt wanted.

Now I just have to learn that it is OK to be wanted for more than my sexual self, as more than a pair of tits and ass, that I’m allowed to have wants and needs of my own, that my feelings matter too. And right now, I’m not completely certain how to do that. It seems to be a process; and a slow process to boot. I have to learn that I’m more that just a vessel to be used for sex or a maid to handle the house. I’m a person with value. And my wants and needs both sexual and otherwise do matter. And I’m wanted not because of those things, but in spite of them.

And so are you.

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This entry was posted in musings, opinion, relationships, thoughts and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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