Wicked Wednesday 9/30/2015 – Take any post on your blog and revisit it. Write another post on the same subject. Maybe it’s a personal post of a while back and you had some insights about the same topic you have blogged about, or maybe it’s a story that just calls for a next part. Tell us which post you’ve revisited and share your new post!
I’m going to be revisiting a piece of poetry that I wrote some time ago and recently decided to share on my blog. I’ve linked it here for the curious.
When I wrote this I was in a deeply abusive relationship that in no way even masqueraded as D/s. I was isolated, controlled, and felt very empty inside. I felt as though I was receiving none of the things that I wanted or needed to be a whole person. Being able to submit was one of the things that I very much wanted in my life. Once I thought I needed it, but I’ve grown up since then and I no longer feel that to be the case. It is, however, still something that I want in my life at least on some level. Full-time 24/7 TPE might not be the right fit for me, but in many ways neither is not having any sort of submission to give in to.
In my current relationship submission is a game that I play with my partner, but sometimes I worry that it is too much for them (and we’ve discussed that I feel this way a little) and I am very afraid that one of these days I am just going to become too needy to be what they want in a partner. Despite my failings when it comes to clear communication with my partner I do try and I am sometimes better at it than at other times. I know recently we had some discussion about it that left me utterly terrified that I had just ruined our relationship. I was reassured that I hadn’t done or said anything wrong, but I’m still having some difficulty not feeling like I’ve screwed up some how (I’m revisiting this before I post it and I’m feeling less and less like I did something wrong). It seems to be a tricky line for me to walk because I want to submit still, but my wants and needs aren’t the only ones to consider or be met.
So here I am, still wanting to give that submission, but in a relationship that I am happy and safe and loved in and those things matter more to me in so many ways than simply being able to submit. I have faith that my partner and I will keep talking and keep figuring out what works and what doesn’t work. and since I don’t want to be a completely owned slave, but maybe I do just want to be Sir’s pet sometimes we can find a balance. I hope we we can.
In many ways, I feel like “Given to Want” can apply to two very different times in my life in two very different ways. I’m not sure what the final result will be or how I could counter balance it with another piece of poetry, but perhaps one day inspiration will strike. Until then, I know that I will keep striving to be a good partner, no matter how things play out with my submission or lack thereof.