I’ve touched on communication or the lack thereof previously and how it made for a miserable sex life. One that I lived with for many years without making any real effort to change. It was a lousy thing on my part and on my then husband’s part that we couldn’t seem to figure out how to communicate our needs, wants, and desires. Maybe part of it is that we were so different as to incompatible with one another, but I think it also boils down to an element of shame that was introduced early on in our marriage.
In my current relationship that element of shame has never been there except for the ghost of it hanging over my head from my marriage. But that shadow lingers sometimes, far more that I might like to admit that it does. It lingers to the point that very often my partner says that they don’t know what I want from them and I simply don’t know how to open up, not in a regular face to face conversation. This often results in lengthy emails that I agonize over sending because I also struggle with feeling as though I am bothersome to my partner. I’ve gotten a little better at asking for things that I want, or saying hey what about X sometime? Those moments seem to be few and far between though and while I’m never left unsatisfied I feel like we could be doing so much more if only I would talk about it. I mean, we talk about sex toys, lubes, and plenty of other random sex related things, often in an academic context so why can’t I just say, “oh hey, let’s play with the Njoy Pure Wand later?”
I feel a bit silly because I’m writing a blog that has sex toy reviews and erotica and here I am struggling to tell my partner just what I want in bed. Like it is something bad or shameful. Yet I know its not. It is normal and even healthy to have these kinds of discussions, especially if you pick a time that is low stress where you can both really pay attention to the conversation with nothing else to be a distraction, which might mean talking well before the actual sexy times start. Or maybe after if something that you did was particularly fun or you want to try a new spin on an old favorite. Honestly, talking about sex can be more intimate (to me) that actually having that sex with my partner. It implies a very deep level of safeness and trust within the relationship.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting I don’t feel safe or loved because I absolutely do, but that doesn’t change how fast I can clam up at even the idea of talking about our sex life. The only solution I see here is to suck it up buttercup and keep doing it, keep talking, keep writing those emails if I must until it becomes second nature for me. As easy as breathing. And perhaps because we’re a non-traditional couple with a non-traditional sex life that makes it harder for me to talk about these things. I’m not sure why that is the case but it certainly seems to be a part of the equation that I can’t ignore.
I wish I had better answers to this problem, because I know it isn’t unique just to me and my relationship. I think all I can say is for everyone to keep trying, keep pushing your boundaries, and if you have to, write it all down. Maybe even a makeshift script of what you want to say.
What would you do and how would you (or do you) handle this? Let me know in the comments!