So when I first started exploring kink, safewords were one of the first things I learned about. I didn’t learn, though, that in the heat of a moment, you can forget your safeword and it resulted in a bad experience for me. Despite the person I was playing with being my husband I never engaged in that sort of play with him again, chiefly because he ignored all the other signs that I wanted him to stop, all because I blanked out on my safeword. So we had this plan of how things would go and it all went completely wrong. Suffice to say I was black and blue when I wasn’t ready for anything that intense.
Ever since then I’ve made certain that I had a safeword, even if I struggle to keep it in my head because the action that’s occurring is so intense for me. Sometimes a safe signal may also be appropriate is the subject is bound and gagged. Personally I hate being gagged so this hasn’t ever come up for me. However, I have gone non-verbal during a scene and I think that is a time when a safe signal may have been good for me to have had. I think the topic is worth discussing with my partner.
With the relationship I am in now I do have a safeword, that I picked from a book based on a scene from said book and have used it. It is likely that at some point I will use it again. The first time I safeworded I felt like I had let my partner down and I honestly was in tears and never wanted to use my safeword again. I felt as though I had failed somehow. It took some doing and a long talk with them to reassure me that everything was OK. For the record, I still don’t like using my safeword, but I also know that my safety and his comfort are both paramount to how, when, and how often we play. If that trust between us were to be damaged because I didn’t safeword or he went too far and ignored it, I can’t imagine the harm that could do to us mentally or to our relationship.
My partner and I also use red,yellow, green to check in so sometimes my safeword immediately changes to red. At first I expected to dislike the red, yellow, green as I felt like it was…I don’t know, perhaps too simplistic, but believe me when I say that I’ve come to appreciate it very much. Those words can sometimes be easier to recall than a safeword in the heat of the moment.
In addition to a regular safeword, plus the colors, my partner is also very observant of my wants and needs and can tell when I’m getting close to that too much is too much line and will stop to check in with me or just stop entirely. Every time we engage in an activity that requires a safeword, we verify it before we play and then things can progress from there. Overall, I feel that for me, in my relationships safewords are a necessary part of any kinky, or not kinky, fuckery. Listen to your body, trust the person you’re playing with, and don’t be like me and afraid to use your safeword.