Kink of the Week Jan. 16th-31st – Safewords

So when I first started exploring kink, safewords were one of the first things I learned about. I didn’t learn, though, that in the heat of a moment, you can forget your safeword and it resulted in a bad experience for me. Despite the person I was playing with being my husband I never engaged in that sort of play with him again, chiefly because he ignored all the other  signs that I wanted him to stop, all because I blanked out on my safeword. So we had this plan of how things would go and it all went completely wrong. Suffice to say I was black and blue when I wasn’t ready for anything that intense.

Ever since then I’ve made certain that I had a safeword, even if I struggle to keep it in my head  because the action that’s occurring is so intense for me. Sometimes a safe signal may also be appropriate is the subject is bound and gagged. Personally I hate being gagged so this hasn’t ever come up for me. However, I have gone non-verbal during a scene and I think that is a time when a safe signal may have been good for me to have had. I think the topic is worth discussing with my partner.

With the relationship I am in now I do have a safeword, that I picked from a book based on a scene from said book and have used it. It is likely that at some point I will use it again. The first time I safeworded I felt like I had let my partner down and I honestly was in tears and never wanted to use my safeword again. I felt as though I had failed somehow. It took some doing and a long talk with them to reassure me that everything was OK. For the record, I still don’t like using my safeword, but I also know that my safety and his comfort are both paramount to how, when, and how often we play. If that trust between us were to be damaged because I didn’t safeword or he went too far and ignored it, I can’t imagine the harm that could do to us mentally or to our relationship.

My partner and I also use red,yellow, green to check in so sometimes my safeword immediately changes to red. At first I expected to dislike the red, yellow, green as I felt like it was…I don’t know, perhaps too simplistic, but believe  me when I say that I’ve come to appreciate it very much. Those words can sometimes be easier to recall than a safeword in the heat of the moment.

In addition to a regular safeword, plus the colors, my partner is also very observant of my wants and needs and can tell when I’m getting close to that too much is too much line and will stop to check in with me or just stop entirely.  Every time we  engage in an activity that requires a safeword, we verify it before we play and then things can progress from there. Overall, I feel that for me, in my relationships safewords are a necessary part of any kinky, or not kinky, fuckery. Listen to your body, trust the person you’re playing with, and don’t be like me and afraid to use your safeword.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Kink of the Week Jan. 16th-31st – Safewords

  1. You aren’t alone with those thoughts. As much as I know my safe word is just something I use to communicate, I always feel like I’ve let both myself and him down by using it. It’s one of those head versus heart moments.

    Like

  2. I felt the same about my safeword at the beginning but my partner taught me that is was just another form of communication and that no using it because I felt I would be letting him down would actually be letting him down as it would be me hiding my true feelings about something.

    Mollyxxx

    Like

  3. We use the color system – because trying to remember a special word was never going to happen for me – and I felt similarly, that maybe it was too simple. But, for us, simple is perfect. And he doesn’t wait for me to use it, but also checks in with me, especially if there’s even the smallest doubt I’m in a good place or not.

    Like

    1. Gotta love an attentive Dom. Even when he aren’t playing really hard, sometimes I forget to breathe and I hear that reminder to breathe and it is oh yes, air is good. lol As we get into more rope play or maybe I decide I want to try being gagged I’m sure things will evolve yet again, as they must. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. We also have a safe word. it is used twice so far when things went a bit out of hand. It is good to have it and it is only used when we cross a line. That line can be anything, but with us it was just pain so far.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s