Fat and Sexy: Progress and (slow) Acceptance

So when I wrote “Fat and Sexy” sometime ago I was really struggling with my own body acceptance and really not getting anywhere. Mirrors were my enemy and I was too much a fan of comfort food to lose any weight. When my weight ballooned and left me wearing a size 28 I knew that I had to do something. I was hurting too much to exercise and it was getting to the point where I got winded walking upstairs to my second story apartment. Diabetes and heart problems run in my family and I wanted to minimize the potential for having those in my life as well.

So I started with cutting out the snacking and comfort eating, followed that up with portion control, and slowly began to lose weight. It took a while because I wasn’t exercising, but I finally dropped a pants size and even losing that small amount of weight helped me see myself in a slightly different light. I still disliked the mirror, but it made seeing myself a little easier. And once I had my eating under control I started exercising. Slowly at first. I couldn’t keep up with the DVD I was using so I slowed it down to a more manageable pace. I started to incorporate body weight workouts. I even was going to the gym for a while, but I struggled with motivation in an unwelcoming atmosphere so that eventually kept me from going back.

Even so I lost more weight. Before the Christmas holidays hit I was down to a size 24, the smallest I’d been in several years. Now I’m back on my roller skates getting fit with a roller derby themed fitness class, plus getting back into a routine after having the holidays and having been sick for a couple of weeks. I’m making progress and while I don’t always see it, other people are noticing.

My relationship with the mirror is bordering on neutral. I’m starting to feel less shame and more acceptance for my body. I was weighed at the doctor’s office when I was sick and I’ve gone from close to 400 pounds to just under 300. That’s progress to me. So is putting my weight out on the internet for that matter. And here I am.

I’m not where I want to be; not even close. My eventual goal is to lose enough weight and be strong and fit enough that I can play competitive roller derby again. Not to mention becoming healthier, feeling more attractive, and generally learning to love myself no matter how big or small I am, no matter what the scale says, and no matter what society thinks. I’m fat, but I’m also gonna be sexy and happy.

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