So right now I’m starting to feel like this post should just be titled “Fat: Falling Apart.” There’s nothing sexy to it I’m afraid. I certainly don’t feel sexy. I need a haircut badly and that always makes me feel unattractive, but what also has me down is my complete and utter lack of gym attendance. Granted for most of July my car was broken so I had no way to get there and as of August I’ve been battling a knee injury that sent has me in physical therapy, but neither of those things change the fact that I feel like all the hard work I was putting in at the gym seems to be for naught.
However, my wonderful partner who is already incredibly attentive and loving has been even more reassuring of how I look and affirming to me that I am wanted and desirable. And I’m finally starting to be able to let myself believe it in tiny ways. It can be hard for me to hear, despite how it does make me feel, but that’s only because I never learned to take a compliment with any grace whatsoever. So maybe this is my silver lining that I’m starting to see the things in me that my partner has seen in me and has told me about for years.
Once therapy wraps up though and I’m back to myself (assuming of course that my knees aren’t wrecked beyond repair) my plan is to start back up in the gym and hopefully start to lift weights and roller skate again. Even if I don’t manage to drop a pant size like I wanted to by the end of the year being active and going to the gym will keep pushing me towards that goal. And for whatever reason that drop in numbers itself will make me feel better about myself. I know it isn’t healthy to tie weight loss goals to things as arbitrary as a clothing size, but there is something about getting to the next size down for me that will feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. I haven’t really examined the why behind this because I’m not sure if I care that much, but I do recognize it as unhealthy and somewhat obsessive of me.
So it looks like this month’s big take away from everything is that despite my injuries and troubles losing weight, my partner does still think I’m sexy and attractive and I’m starting to believe it when they tell me those things. Maybe one day I will see myself as attractive no matter what my weight or pant size is and can more fully embrace my own body for exactly what it is instead of for what it isn’t.
If you’d like to read more of my ramblings about being Fat and Sexy, there are several more posts scattered throughout my blog that can be searched for under the “Fat and Sexy” tagline.