In order to have sex fearlessly we must be willing to face the things that have shaped and will continue to shape our sex lives. This means facing up to bad experiences, trauma, and looking at our current relationship, both with our partner and with our own sexuality. Sometimes this may take therapy or counseling, particularly to handle bad experiences in relationships or trauma, especially that of a sexual nature.
Sometimes a bad experience can be something as simple as bad night of drunken sex (we won’t get into the implications of consent here), but other times it can be a series of bad sexual encounters, that aren’t specifically traumatic and we need to be able to look at those encounters and say, “OK, this was bad.” And then we must identify what was bad about it and work to change any bad or negative things, particularly if we are at fault. When we can examine our bad experiences and thus, ourselves, we can improve our sex lives simply through being.
Dealing with traumatic sexual experiences can be harder, simply because trauma itself can be difficult to process either alone or with the help of a therapist. But it can be done and if you want to improve your sex life, it needs to be done, for your well being at the very least. I know from my own past that confronting sexual trauma is hard and scary, but I also know that once I made an effort to try and work through it so I could move on, that my sex life and life in general would be better for me. And it was. I still struggle, I won’t deny that, but letting go of some of the fear associated with my sexual trauma was a way to let the healing process begin. I’ll never be completely over it I don’t think, but each day I am better than I was. I find more peace within myself and know more and more that it wasn’t my fault.
In examining a current relationship with a partner you have to look at the way you fit and work together and how compatible you are in a general sense and in bed. Sometimes people who are very different can have the strongest relationships, but if you have a severe mismatch in libido or other problems that you deem serious enough to negatively impact your relationship then those things should be discussed and hopefully compromised upon. And if your partner happens to be abusive and your reflection opens your eyes to that, then I urge you to get out before things escalate. I spent nearly a decade with an abusive man and still have the mental and emotional scars from dealing with it. Don’t be like me.
But, I feel like the most important part of being able to have sex without any fear is knowing our sexual selves. Whether that is through masturbation or meditation it is important to know who you are and what you want out of your sex life, otherwise it will simply be unfulfilled. You must be non-judgmental and be able to look clearly at yourself to know what makes you curious or playful (and playfulness in the bedroom is encouraged) what makes you excited or happy. There is no magic button or pill that will suddenly make you sexually aware of the self. It is something that begins to happen as we grow up and age, but even so our awareness of ourselves is ever changing and sometimes we may even lose sight of that awareness and become a null in a void for a time where it seems like sex or sexuality doesn’t exist. Finding your way out of that particular labyrinth takes fortitude and strength and again the ability to question yourself and be aware of who you are and what you want as you emerge from a void.
Only once you’ve begun to conquer these things and can live in the moment, laugh in the moment, and take joy in the little things can you truly begin to embrace having sex without fear. This is a path that many people follow intuitively because sex is such an integral part of our biology, but for those of us struggling with the issues I noted above it can be much harder to navigate our way through the quagmire that can be sex and relationships or just sex by itself because the subject becomes so conflated sometimes with gender and equality and the ideas of the patriarchy. Sex is yours, his, everyone’s. And yes, sex is power. It is energy. Use it wisely.