Fat and Sexy: Learning to be Both

So my last fat and sexy post was in September of last year and it was a shit show. I was having car trouble, knee trouble, and various other issues that I felt related to my problems with being fat and sexy. Fast forward to now and I’ve found out that I have arthritis in both knees that is probably only going to get worse so some of the physical activities I wanted to get involved in are probably either a straight up no go or not a good idea, no matter how much I might want to. Of course, I can also ask what physical activities because I’ve basically been a slug since February. But I’m trying to address that by getting back into yoga. Dear Gods, it is harder than I remember it being and I already knew it would be hard.

But what prompted me to write this post was something I read by the Formidable Femme herself, Sarah Brynn Holliday. Her post “When Do I Get to Celebrate My Fat Body?” took me back to all the times my ex disparaged my weight or otherwise made me feel self conscious about my body. It was so bad that I couldn’t stand to be naked around him or let him see my body. By the end of our relationship though I had lost weight and was finally “skinny enough” (as far I was and still am concerned I was still fat.) But it was too late at that point because I had decided it was over. Not him.

But no matter what size I was then or what size I am now, I still feel damaged and broken. My current partner assures me otherwise frequently, but when I can’t stand to see my own body reflected back at me in the mirror, when I try to eat less, when I try to be smaller because smaller is better, what does that say? It still tells me that I’m not worth the time or the effort, that I’m not good enough and that I’ll never be good enough. I fight this fight just as much as I fight to keep my bipolar disorder under control.

However, as much as I can relate to the post referenced above and how heartbreaking it is for me to see myself fight to be smaller and take up less space in a world where fat people aren’t given license to exist, I am also starting to relate to the idea that fat and sexy are not mutually exclusive of one another. My partner greets me with a kiss and “Hi Gorgeous.” on a regular basis. I’ve finally stopped cringing when they call me that. I don’t roll my eyes anymore, although I will still duck my head a bit, not because I’m ashamed, but because the (still unexpected) compliment embarrasses me a little because I don’t know how to gracefully accept a compliment of that caliber. I’ve never seen myself as striking or pretty or even cute so gorgeous is right out. But I hear it all the time. What do I do; how do I reconcile what I see in the mirror with what I’m told?

And the only answer I have is that I don’t know. So I try to just let it wash over me and be as accepting of it as I can instead of being ashamed of who I am and what I look like. I’m fat, even when I’m “skinny” I’m still fat, and I doubt I’ll ever be at my smallest size again. I mean come on, 2 pounds and 12.5 ounces is just unrealistic for someone my height! Yes, I just made that awful joke. In all seriousness though, I ask the question why can’t I be both fat and sexy? What is stopping me from being both? Is it just all in my head and a matter of confidence? Is the answer really that simple? It doesn’t seem like it is. But what do I know? I’ve never had the confidence to know what being both fat and sexy is. Maybe though, just maybe, I’m learning.

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2 thoughts on “Fat and Sexy: Learning to be Both

  1. It is a battle, because we never see ourselves as we really are – we don’t enjoy the moment, but later on (when we like our body even less,) we look back at pictures and see that we WERE lovely, just like people told us.
    I am not fat, I am thin, but do you know I’m still not happy about aspects of my body – growing up I was told I had skinny legs and knobbly knees (these transformed into nice legs that I am proud of – but in my awkward teens – OUCH!) Just Now I am holding off a muffin top (not very successfully) AND what is even harder to battle – the spongey look my flesh is getting because I am older – hormone related I guess. 😦
    Anyway Livvy, what I am trying clumsily to say is everyone has their body image demons. Try to embrace what you have NOW (rather than looking back at yourself in a few months /years and seeing clearly THEN how sexy it is!
    Sexy is as Sexy does – so project your inner minx – we’ve seen your writing, we know she’s in there and THAT is what your partner is seeing! Let your Gorgeousness flow out of you. There are curvy sex icons out there – look at them and see how they “work it”. One thing most people find sexy is body confidence – try to build that up while you’re tackling your yoga and your Va-Va-Voom will grow too. Look round the class and notice what you can do better than others: a deeper stretch, a more graceful transition, being able to hold a pose for longer.
    A compliment is like a gift, take it and say thank you, don’t question why or if you are worthy. You are!

    Liked by 1 person

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