I’m guessing that some of you read the title of this post and immediately though, “Well duh, Livvy”, but I’m not just talking about giving or removing the idea of enthusiastic consent here, although that’s obviously important as well, even in relationships where there is also implied consent. There is something more to be said for letting your partner say no within a sexual situation (or any situation really.)
Having agency within one’s life, sexual or otherwise is incredibly important and, I feel, incredibly freeing. You’re not obligated to go along with the crowd and it lets you do what you need or want to do both in and out of bed. This is something that I think many people think about too much because going with the flow has always been encouraged, especially, it seems for girls and women. We’re expected to say yes to all kinds of things, even when we want to say no. But back to saying no in a sexual context without specifically removing consent.
Here’s an example of what I mean. Let’s say that my partner wants to try bringing food into the bedroom to play with, but on their own they decide that I wouldn’t like it and therefore they don’t bring the idea up at all because they have essentially already made the choice for me (i.e. assumed I’d say no.) BUT, if my partner comes to me outside of a sexual context and says hey, maybe we should get some edible chocolate and some whipped cream to play with in bed. Suddenly I have agency again and I can decide if it is something I want to do or not. For the record, it would be a no; I’ve heard that the edible chocolate stuff is really gross and I don’t want to be sticky from whipped cream. By not making a choice for me, my partner has given me a choice to say yes or no to that particular act. Notice that I’m not saying no to sex as a whole or to other things, but just to the idea of food in bed. It can be your yum, but it certainly isn’t mine.
The example above is pretty clear and concrete and defines what I mean relatively precisely. And it can be about anything between you and your partner, whether its related to your sex life or not. It’s simply another good way to share your lives together and to communicate in ways that give you both the power to say yes or no to any given thing at any given time. There’s no pressure or expectation that something has to be done, especially when we focus back on sex, and instead it creates an open dialog that might given you more or different or better ideas of things to suggest to your partner.
So, yes it is a form of consent to let your partner say no to something just like any other type of consent that is out there, but in this case it can give them the freedom or permission that they need to say no in other parts of their lives as well because they may feel empowered knowing that they can say no to you, so they can say no to others. Never assume that you’re idea is too kinky or weird or vanilla or whatever and that your partner won’t like it. Just ask them!
Good advice here. It’s always better to let someone else decide for themselves, right?
Rebel xox
LikeLiked by 1 person
I totally agree. I think it is very important to create that kind of space in a relationship where both are free to bring things up in the full knowledge that they will be listened to and understood and that there might be a no but that is also OK
Mollyx
LikeLiked by 1 person
It really is so important and it is something I didn’t have in my marriage (nor did I afford it to my partner) so in my current relationship I am more aware of it for certain!
LikeLike
You are so on the money here – if you don’t ask you won’t know
LikeLiked by 1 person
The asking can be the hard part, but it is better than making assumptions. All all you know what they say about assuming things…
LikeLike
I hate, hate, hate it when anyone takes that choice from me (and partners that do this never last with me).
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, once I realized I was doing it to my partner (I’ve stopped) I noticed how demeaning it can be in some ways and now, while it can be hard to ask instead of assume, I’ve gotten better at asking. I don’t think it would go over well with me anymore either. 🙂
LikeLike
the open dialogue is the perfect foundation for any relationship! thank you for reminding about that 🙂
LikeLike