Aftercare is an essential part of any type of BDSM whether it is a long drawn out scene or a simple spanking when the kids aren’t home. It makes the end of playtime a much more comforting experience and can be a great time for bonding with your partner(s.) As a submissive I know that being held and loved and being able to slowly drift out of subspace and knowing I’m safe is just an amazing feeling. But to me, even in my own relationship, it feels like aftercare is mostly directed towards the submissive. However if you stop for a moment and think about it, dominants or tops need their own version of aftercare as things can be quite demanding on them as well. The questions to ask though are A) do they get that aftercare and B) how can we improve upon the idea of aftercare for them so they get something out of it?
My partner and I have discussed this particular topic more than once and sometimes the aftercare for them is simply being able to take care of me. That helps them come back to center and feel more settled. But I often wonder if I, as a submissive, am doing enough to help them get there because many times I’m a shaking puddle of happiness, drifting through subspace and that makes it hard for me to do much beyond hold onto them and tell them that I love them. Repeatedly. Maybe that is what they need most in that moment. Sometimes, however, they need some space to put themselves back together and that’s OK too. Usually I get a drink and cuddles and they make sure I’m alright before giving me a blanket and ensuring that I know they won’t be far and I can always call out to them if I need them. That is another thing that works for us. What works for us might not work for you.
On the flip side, perhaps you are the submissive who considers things like getting your dominant a drink and making sure their needs are met could be part of your aftercare too. Perhaps you arrange things before hand to make it easy, which is great for planned things, but harder for more spontaneous play (unless you’re super organized and always keep things ready for when anytime becomes playtime.) However you do it I think that finding a way to take care of a top, just as they take care of a submissive is an important thing in any relationship, no matter how serious or casual things are between the people involved.
Aftercare means different things to different people and it can vary so widely that I don’t want to attempt to guess at what it means for you personally. I do want to suggest that readers take a long look at how they practice aftercare and see if there’s a way things can be different that might allow the dominant person to receive more or better aftercare as it seems to be good for them as well. If they are struggling to be grounded after a scene, what can you do to help them come back to center? Do they need touch and closeness? Do they need space? And lastly, how can you combine the aftercare for a submissive with the aftercare of a dominant in a way that allows the people involved to all get what they need?
Sex is typically supposed to be an inherently pleasurable act for two or more parties. Everyone involved should feel comfortable and able to express their feelings and desires. For many straight couples though sex seems to begin and end at the traditional definition of penis in vagina (PIV) sex. Sure maybe some couples are adventuresome and enjoy anal sex, but in many ways it isn’t too different from PIV and that makes it somewhat familiar, while being just a little different and naughty at the same time. And there may be just as many non-straight couples or groups who are stuck in a sex rut of their own. The question here, is how to escape that rut?
One way to do is to look at sex as something more than just intercourse (whatever your definition of that is) and to engage your brain on a more sexual level. Now I know some of you may already do this and get where I’m coming from, but for those of you wondering what does my brain have to do with sex, let me tell you something you might not know. The brain is the largest erogenous zone that we have. It can process sex in visual, auditory, tactile, or even olfactory or tasty ways. Maybe your lover always wears a certain perfume and it trips your buttons (for me its the smell or taste of my favorite lube, coconut oil), the sound of sheets rustling, a naughty picture sent to your cellphone (The Ultimate Sex Toy?) or any number of other things that might grab your attention. Use that as fuel for the fire so to speak. Utilize your imagination to come up with new, creative things to try and run with it.
At that point you’re starting to move away from the idea that sex is strictly “this thing, this way” and exploring territory that may be unfamiliar to you. Maybe technology becomes a larger feature in your sex life (beyond watching porn that is hopefully ethically sourced and paid for rather than by using tube sites, but that’s a different matter) and you discover wearable, remote controllable or Bluetooth capable sex toys. Maybe you sext more. Whatever you’re doing you’re engaging at a different level than “just the basics.”
Your avenues to sexual pleasure and satisfaction are increasing with each new thing that you learn beyond PIV intercourse. Have you ever tried using a dildo on your partner or watching them while they masturbate for you? Have you ever tried fisting? Or flogging? Or even some new weird position that your partner saw in Cosmopolitan or online or whatever? What can you do to make your sex life exciting and fresh? What can you do that isn’t PIV sex that everyone enjoys?
Or maybe you enjoy your sex life just the way it is. That’s fine too. But if you don’t, if you are unhappy with the status quo don’t ever be afraid to approach your sexual partners and say something. Communication is vital to good sex and again there we go with engaging the brain. Maybe part of your communication involves sharing fantasies together and picturing where they could lead if you let them. Maybe you struggle to physically talk about sex. Write it down! Draw a picture! Do what you need to do to move into a new aspect of your sex life that engages your brain more consistently and increases your pleasure. Just whatever you do and however you do it, be safe, sane, consensual, and communicative.
I wasn’t sure about this new couples toy from Satisfyer from the get go. It just didn’t look quite right to me as far as angles go and I had some misgivings about whether or not it would suit my body. But before we get into that, let me tell you more about the toy itself.
The silky while silicone of the toy (which is a hallmark of the newest line up of Satisfyer toys) is plush and lovely to the touch and is a perfect compliment to the ABS plastic rose gold buttons. The toy does have a certain elegance about it and I’m sure this plush feeling and muted color choice attribute to that. It is also relatively quiet, much quieter than some previous Satisfyer toys that use the pressure wave technology. And, as a wonderful touch, it happens to be waterproof and recharable. No messing about with batteries here, just clicking the included cable into place with a magnetic charger and plugging the other end into a USB port either on your computer or wall adapter. It can be used with a water or oil based lubricant.
The Pro 4 Couples has eleven different intensities of clitoral pressure wave stimulation ranging from barely there to holy crap it’s a jackhammer on my clit, albeit a buzzy jackhammer that is mildly uncomfortable. It also has an arm that vibrates to the tune of ten patterns of varying intensity and steadiness. The steady vibrations are always what seems to work best for me, but if you like a bit of variety the Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples does offer that with the vibration patterns it produces.
Unfortunately the toy didn’t suit my anatomy at all. Either I had the pressure wave stimulator on my clit and the arm kind of just hanging out or I had the vibrating arm inside of me and the clitoral stimulator was nowhere near my clit. My partner tried bending the flexible arm to help me get it in place to no success. So it was basically a no go for me from the outset, although the steady vibrations were relatively rumbly compared to some other toys I’ve used and the patterns were OK, but again not my thing. So, sadly, my despite our best attempts, my partner and I couldn’t make this toy work for us no matter how hard we tried.
But, if couples toys are your thing and you want to try a quality product that is well made I would suggest the Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples. You can purchase it directly from the www.satisfyer.com shop for $69.95 or check your favorite body safe sex toy retailer.
This toy was provided to me by the good folks at Satisfyer in exchange for a fair, honest, and unbiased review. All opinions are my own.
This edition of #SOSS brought to you by marzipan candy and a salad; never mind that’s lunch. Anyway, I hope that y’all find these post as entertaining or enlightening as I have. Happy reading!
We Are Shadows by the ever lovely Ella Scandal is a work that you need to read for yourself. The story is fantastic and, as always, well written with a fun twist that I never expected at the end.
Bare Essentials by Wicked Wednesday’s host, Marie Rebelle, made me squirm and laugh at the same time. I’m glad I got to read the story in its entirety and love how the events all went down. Nothing like a little fun between partners right?
The Yoga Sutra and D/s by Brigit of Brigit Writes stuck a chord within me as I’ve done just enough of both D/s and yoga to start to have a grasp on her words and how much sense they make to me. It inspires me to get back to my yoga that I’ve been neglecting and to work at being more present in my D/s life.
Your sex blogger voice matters by Isabelle Lauren really made me stop and think about how I feel about writing about topics others have already covered. I feel like I’m not good enough to cover those topics as well and have something new enough or different enough that my voice will make a difference. Looks like I need to get out of my own head a bit and write what I want to write.
Girl On The Net
A sweet post about how sharing an “I love you” can mean so much more and how sometimes it can mean so many different things. It resonated with me because, like Girl On The Net, I often cannot find the eloquence to explain what and how I feel, so I default to a simple, “I love you”
The Other Livvy
In an incredibly thoughtful and well written post about coerced sex, bad sex, the recent sex scandals and a story of her own, The Other Livvy brings to light a large part of of what is wrong with our culture regarding the way women are raised to be demure and not say no and how men are conditioned to chase and pressure those same women. The distortion of rape culture is a theme here and this makes for a fantastic read.
Molly’s Daily Kiss
I think what makes this is the realization at the end that the other person is bound and watching the heat and pleasure of another person’s orgasm before being released to (presumably) have their own. This one made me squirm in my chair a little.
A short, super hot read by the inimitable Kayla Lords. I love late night/early morning fucks myself so I absolutely relate. Now go read this post and a bunch more of her stories cause they are always hot!
A well written thoughtful review about a new toy from Rocks Off Ltd. that instantly made me want to get my hot little hands on one. Also, I love the backdrop for the photos.
So as much as I read other people’s blogs I am terrible at things like leaving comments and interaction and right now having a lot on my plate health wise makes things a little harder. Spoonie for life, yo! Anyway, my third SOSS post is going up and here’s the goods:
sub-Bee from “A to sub-Bee” has a great post about anal sex and the potential for accidental oopsies to happen, including a rather mortifying tale of their own that, while it isn’t quite the same as what I fear, is close enough. And it is definitely something I relate to as I have a lot of fear around unwanted sounds or sights or anything like that during sex. Thanks for such a relatable read!
Morag’s Moist Musings is a blog that is new to me, but one that is incredibly well done and so sexy. Their post about threesomes just set me off in the most delicious way and I also don’t seem to understand math as I completely agree two can, indeed, go into one!
Hey, Mrs. Robinson picked a great topic for her Wicked Wednesday post (there is a trigger warning attached to so please read with caution) this week, one that made me feel so many things, see the highs and lows, and gave an excellent peek inside their head and into life as well. I’ve been there in some ways Mrs. Robinson so just know that you’re not alone and that someone is proud of you.
Alright y’all, sadly I’m running short on time to get some other things done so this will be it for my #SOSS this weekend. Hope you enjoy the posts as much as I did and know that I’m grateful to be part of such a great community!
So I’m doing my Share our Shit Saturday post a little early this week. Inspired by the “Promote a Blog” theme for Wicked Wednesday I found several things from a few different blogs that I wanted to share. So here we go.
To start us off, here is an older post that I found on Sex Bloggess’ site and it really struck a chord with me because it is something that I too feel that I struggle with. My defining moment to find my sexual voice doesn’t feel like it has happened yet, but I’m pretty sure with some introspection inspired by this post, I may find that I am wrong. I love a good post that makes me think.
Next we have a story from the ever wonderful writer Lascivious Lucy. Christmas is rarely a happy time for me and this erotic tale reminded me that there are people out there who care for one another at Christmas, but was also a very hot, sexy read. The juxtaposition of the two brought me almost to tears (and that says a lot; I am not a crier) and made me smile at the same time.
While I am pretty bah humbug about Christmas, one of the things I truly enjoy are Christmas lights. Decorating a yard or wrapped in a tree they can always elicit a smile from me. In that vein I found not one, but two pictures I just have to share. One of them from Coffee and Kink is simply luscious and really made me want to do naughty things to a pretty girl wrapped in lights. The second photo, no less sexy, is from Tits and Test Tubes and to me seems very ethereal and a bit surreal as though one might be visited by a sexy Christmas vision draped in the night sky.
Taryn from Ace in the Hole wrote a piece earlier in December asking a seemingly simple question. Are asexual people queer? It details some history of the word queer and goes on to have a thought provoking discourse as to why people may or may not choose to use the word queer. It caught my eye because while queer is a label I use for myself I feel invisible because, like the author, I am a white cis woman in a hetero presenting relationship. That doesn’t change that I use queer to describe my sexuality, but it does give me pause and food for thought as to why some people would choose otherwise.
And lastly, I wanted to give a shout out to the upcoming Smut Marathon hosted by our own Marie Rebelle (Who also puts together Wicked Wednesday every week!) This competition will be a great way for authors to improve their writing and get their work out to different people who perhaps may not have otherwise seen it. It also looks like it could be quite a lot of fun. I hope all the participants have a blast with it and I’m hopeful to see it come around again next year when I might have the free time and extra energy to devote to doing as good of a job as I can.
Thus my #SOSS post for this week, albeit a bit early, and the final one for the year of 2017 comes to an end. I hope everyone takes a look at the bloggers I love to follow and loves them as much as I do!