Fat and Sexy: Learning to be Both

So my last fat and sexy post was in September of last year and it was a shit show. I was having car trouble, knee trouble, and various other issues that I felt related to my problems with being fat and sexy. Fast forward to now and I’ve found out that I have arthritis in both knees that is probably only going to get worse so some of the physical activities I wanted to get involved in are probably either a straight up no go or not a good idea, no matter how much I might want to. Of course, I can also ask what physical activities because I’ve basically been a slug since February. But I’m trying to address that by getting back into yoga. Dear Gods, it is harder than I remember it being and I already knew it would be hard.

But what prompted me to write this post was something I read by the Formidable Femme herself, Sarah Brynn Holliday. Her post “When Do I Get to Celebrate My Fat Body?” took me back to all the times my ex disparaged my weight or otherwise made me feel self conscious about my body. It was so bad that I couldn’t stand to be naked around him or let him see my body. By the end of our relationship though I had lost weight and was finally “skinny enough” (as far I was and still am concerned I was still fat.) But it was too late at that point because I had decided it was over. Not him.

But no matter what size I was then or what size I am now, I still feel damaged and broken. My current partner assures me otherwise frequently, but when I can’t stand to see my own body reflected back at me in the mirror, when I try to eat less, when I try to be smaller because smaller is better, what does that say? It still tells me that I’m not worth the time or the effort, that I’m not good enough and that I’ll never be good enough. I fight this fight just as much as I fight to keep my bipolar disorder under control.

However, as much as I can relate to the post referenced above and how heartbreaking it is for me to see myself fight to be smaller and take up less space in a world where fat people aren’t given license to exist, I am also starting to relate to the idea that fat and sexy are not mutually exclusive of one another. My partner greets me with a kiss and “Hi Gorgeous.” on a regular basis. I’ve finally stopped cringing when they call me that. I don’t roll my eyes anymore, although I will still duck my head a bit, not because I’m ashamed, but because the (still unexpected) compliment embarrasses me a little because I don’t know how to gracefully accept a compliment of that caliber. I’ve never seen myself as striking or pretty or even cute so gorgeous is right out. But I hear it all the time. What do I do; how do I reconcile what I see in the mirror with what I’m told?

And the only answer I have is that I don’t know. So I try to just let it wash over me and be as accepting of it as I can instead of being ashamed of who I am and what I look like. I’m fat, even when I’m “skinny” I’m still fat, and I doubt I’ll ever be at my smallest size again. I mean come on, 2 pounds and 12.5 ounces is just unrealistic for someone my height! Yes, I just made that awful joke. In all seriousness though, I ask the question why can’t I be both fat and sexy? What is stopping me from being both? Is it just all in my head and a matter of confidence? Is the answer really that simple? It doesn’t seem like it is. But what do I know? I’ve never had the confidence to know what being both fat and sexy is. Maybe though, just maybe, I’m learning.

Advertisements

Review: Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples

SatisfyerCouples2I wasn’t sure about this new couples toy from Satisfyer from the get go. It just didn’t look quite right to me as far as angles go and I had some misgivings about whether or not it would suit my body. But before we get into that, let me tell you more about the toy itself.

The silky while silicone of the toy (which is a hallmark of the newest line up of Satisfyer toys) is plush and lovely to the touch and is a perfect compliment to the ABS plastic rose gold buttons. The toy does have a certain elegance about it and I’m sure this plush feeling and muted color choice attribute to that. It is also relatively quiet, much quieter than some previous Satisfyer toys that use the pressure wave technology. And, as a wonderful touch, it happens to be waterproof and recharable. No messing about with batteries here, just clicking the included cable into place with a magnetic charger and plugging the other end into a USB port either on your computer or wall adapter. It can be used with a water or oil based lubricant.

SatisfyerCouplesButtons

The Pro 4 Couples has eleven different intensities of clitoral pressure wave stimulation ranging from barely there to holy crap it’s a jackhammer on my clit, albeit a buzzy jackhammer that is mildly uncomfortable. It also has an arm that vibrates to the tune of ten patterns of varying intensity and steadiness. The steady vibrations are always what seems to work best for me, but if you like a bit of variety the Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples does offer that with the vibration patterns it produces.

Unfortunately the toy didn’t suit my anatomy at all. Either I had the pressure wave stimulator on my clit and the arm kind of just hanging out or I had the vibrating arm inside of me and the clitoral stimulator was nowhere near my clit. My partner tried bending the flexible arm to help me get it in place to no success. So it was basically a no go for me from the outset, although the steady vibrations were relatively rumbly compared to some other toys I’ve used and the patterns were OK, but again not my thing. So, sadly, my despite our best attempts, my partner and I couldn’t make this toy work for us no matter how hard we tried.

SatisfyerCouplesFlex

But, if couples toys are your thing and you want to try a quality product that is well made I would suggest the Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples. You can purchase it directly from the www.satisfyer.com shop for $69.95 or check your favorite body safe sex toy retailer.

This toy was provided to me by the good folks at Satisfyer in exchange for a fair, honest, and unbiased review. All opinions are my own.

Review: Satisfyer Pro G-Spot Rabbit

Initially I expected the Satisfyer G-Spot Rabbit to be just as underwhelming as Satisfyer’s seemingly very generic packaging is. I’ve never had a good experience with a rabbit vibrator to date so I figure this one wouldn’t be any different. And it does have some faults, don’t get me wrong, but the combination of sensations with this toy is simply amazing.

SatisfyerRabbitBox
The packaging seems very bland.

The plain white silicone is very plush feeling to me and it didn’t take much lube at all as it was very smooth to the touch. It is also kind of a novelty to have a white toy when the majority of them seem to be pink or purple or other seemingly feminine colors. It has an unsurprising pale pink accent around the clitoral arm of the toy and the power button is pink with two smaller white buttons above it, similar to the buttons on other Satisfyer toys.

SatisfyerRabbitButtons
Finicky buttons

However, those buttons are a major sticking point for me on this particular toy. They are placed in such a way that I practically had to be sitting up to reach and use them (some of this may have been related to my bigger belly) and the controls themselves don’t seem to be very intuitive. One button (the single wave) turns on the vibrating part of the toy and controls the vibrations as well. The bottom button, with four waves, turns on the pressure wave stimulator (the rabbit part) and controls that as well. It was incredibly confusing for me as I expected that the buttons would both be for up and down functions as well and I was consulting the manual more than once, even double and triple checking as I wrote this review. Maybe in writing this seems simple to you, but when I couldn’t see the buttons and I was pressing blindly to find the right ones it got a little annoying. Note: after multiple uses the buttons did become easier to get the hang of so perhaps this was just a matter of a learning curve.

SatisfyerGSpotRabbitsideview
So pretty and silky smooth

On the other hand, once I did some experimenting with placement and shifting the toy this way and that until I got it just so then found the right combination of vibrations and pulsations caused by the pressure waves I was on my way to orgasm land. I couldn’t thrust the toy but had to thrust my hips against it instead which worked out just fine and allowed me to keep contact with my clit while stimulating my g-spot with some surprisingly rumbly vibrations (nothing buzzy here y’all.) And boom! My orgasm hit me like a freight train and just kept going and going. It literally did not stop until I moved the toy away from my body because I was so sensitive. If I had kept going I know I’d have squirted all over the bed so I’m going to call that a definite win in my book. Hopefully this is the experience all my readers have, but I understand that rabbits of any kind are not one size fits all. This particular one, though, offers eleven different intensities for the pressure waves and ten different vibration programs so it has a wide range of possibilities.

As with previous Satisfyer toys this one is waterproof, should be used with water based lubricant, and is rechargeable via a magnetic connection to a USB port. It can take up to eight hours to fully charge for the first time, although mine only took about two hours before the light quit blinking indicating the full charge. All in all, this has been a remarkably surprising toy that I’ve thoroughly enjoyed using, despite the buttons, and can see myself using frequently in the future. If you’d like to purchase one they can be found at Peepshow Toys for $59.95 or you can check your favorite body safe sex toy retailer.

This toy was provided to me by Satisfyer in exchange for a fair, honest, honest, and unbiased review. There are affiliate links used in this post.

Share Our Shit Saturday 5 – The Sunday Edition

I know this one is a super late addition to #SOSS (later than usual for me even I think), but it has been a hell of a weekend between sex, food, shopping, cooking, depression AND mania and who knows what else. Anyway, read on my friends to find my top Share Our Shit posts for the week!

Scandarella
This was a ridiculously hot story with a wickedly funny twist at the end. I loved the battle between the two of them and couldn’t wait to see just how it played out as I was reading. It was made better by the fact that I ( maybe foolishly) made the assumption that perhaps Tim and Sharon were a married couple or perhaps boyfriend and girlfriend rather than the man of the house and the babysitter.

Lascivious Lucy
Another searing story from Lucy, this one involves a blindfold and leather and all kinds of lovely, D/s related fun. I’m definitely submissive myself, but I really related more to the Mistress in this story as she meted out her punishment. And again, because this is important, the leather is super sexy.

Oleander Plume
Sexy as hell superhero sex! I love it! There’s something about the idea of Batman and Robin being lovers that I found to be quite the turn on and it led me to wondering about a threesome with Selina Kyle. Anyone wanna write that? Anyway, fantastic story by a fantastic writer.

Betty Butch
This has to be one of the best and funniest reviews I’ve read in quite some time. “Zombie vibrator” had me giggling like crazy and while Betty didn’t have the best experience with the toy, they did make the best out of their review.

Cammies on the Floor
Oh. My. God. Visceral and hot is all I can use to describe this one. It left me aching and wanting to have an experience like this for myself.

 

SOSS #4 (Because Our Shit Should Be Shared)

Girl On The Net
A sweet post about how sharing an “I love you” can mean so much more and how sometimes it can mean so many different things. It resonated with me because, like Girl On The Net, I often cannot find the eloquence to explain what and how I feel, so I default to a simple, “I love you”

The Other Livvy
In an incredibly thoughtful and well written post about coerced sex, bad sex, the recent sex scandals and a story of her own, The Other Livvy brings to light a large part of of what is wrong with our culture regarding the way women are raised to be demure and not say no and how men are conditioned to chase and pressure those same women. The distortion of rape culture is a theme here and this makes for a fantastic read.

Molly’s Daily Kiss
I think what makes this is the realization at the end that the other person is bound and watching the heat and pleasure of another person’s orgasm before being released to (presumably) have their own. This one made me squirm in my chair a little.

Kayla Lords
A short, super hot read by the inimitable Kayla Lords. I love late night/early morning fucks myself so I absolutely relate. Now go read this post and a bunch more of her stories cause they are always hot!

Miss Jezebella
A well written thoughtful review about a new toy from Rocks Off Ltd. that instantly made me want to get my hot little hands on one. Also, I love the backdrop for the photos.

#SOSS (My last S stands for Sunday)

So as much as I read other people’s blogs I am terrible at things like leaving comments and interaction and right now having a lot on my plate health wise makes things a little harder. Spoonie for life, yo! Anyway, my third SOSS post is going up and here’s the goods:

sub-Bee from “A to sub-Bee” has a great post about anal sex and the potential for accidental oopsies to happen, including a rather mortifying tale of their own that, while it isn’t quite the same as what I fear, is close enough. And it is definitely something I relate to as I have a lot of fear around unwanted sounds or sights or anything like that during sex. Thanks for such a relatable read!

Morag’s Moist Musings is a blog that is new to me, but one that is incredibly well done and so sexy. Their post about threesomes just set me off in the most delicious way and I also don’t seem to understand math as I completely agree two can, indeed, go into one!

Hey, Mrs. Robinson picked a great topic for her Wicked Wednesday post (there is a trigger warning attached to so please read with caution) this week, one that made me feel so many things, see the highs and lows, and gave an excellent peek inside their head and into life as well. I’ve been there in some ways Mrs. Robinson so just know that you’re not alone and that someone is proud of you.

Alright y’all, sadly I’m running short on time to get some other things done so this will be it for my #SOSS this weekend. Hope you enjoy the posts as much as I did and know that I’m grateful to be part of such a great community!

Love,

Livvy

Review: The Dodil

dodilcanister1
The thermos container that the Dodil comes packaged in.

When I first heard about the Dodil I was curious, but also felt like it might be a little on the gimmicky side. That said, I still wanted to try it because who wouldn’t want to be able to have a custom dildo. I love that it comes packaged in a thermos container that is actually a useful part of the design and a good place to store the Dodil when not in use. I do wish the thermos or its lid was a bit taller though so it could be screwed shut for better storage. Of course, depending on the shape the toy is molded into this is a non-issue.

When I initially boiled my water and poured it into thermos with the Dodil and then waited twenty minutes instead of the thirty the directions called for because I was getting impatient, I quickly discovered on my first try shaping the Dodil that it can be more difficult than you might expect. I know my first shape wasn’t pretty, nor was it effective as a G-spot toy like I was hoping it would be. But, the beauty of the Dodil is that I was able to place it back in the thermos, refill it with water, and there I had it, a nice straight toy that I could shape and design to my heart’s content until I found what was just right for me.

Dodilstraight
Before molding

So I started designing and shaping and molding and even enlisted my partner’s help to see what they could come up with as well. Between us we came up with various textured or curved designs that when tried ended up being varying amounts of successful in the way that they helped me reach an orgasm or not. I lost count of how many configurations I tried and I’m sure that I will try many more of them in my never-ending quest for more orgasms, please!

Obviously the Dodil requires you to have a bit of patience, a trait that I am lacking, in order to let it get soft enough to mold, then cool enough to handle and for me that was a little frustrating simply because, as I said, I am not a patient woman. But seeing as this is simply the mode of action for the toy I guess I’d better learn some patience and better sculpting skills while I’m at it. My initial reaction to the included bit of plastic string to tie the Dodil into shapes was to assume that it was more than a bit fiddly and immediately discount it. But once I had some practice shaping and molding the Dodil, I found that having a way to hold it in place that didn’t involve me holding it to keep a shape or texture from coming undone was quite nice. One thing that I do wish, is that the Dodil had a bit more mass to it, not length or girth specifically just more material to work with in general, although I’m learning to work with what I’ve got!

Above: Three different shapes I tried out. Can you tell that I love curvy dildos?

I still stand by my statement that the Dodil is a bit of a gimmick where toys are concerned, but I find that it is a rather novel one. I may not use the toy frequently because it can be a more than little fussy, what with the boiling water and everything, but I feel like it has its place in my sex toy arsenal, as a tester of shapes if nothing else. We’ll see how that evolves over time. If we find something that we particularly like we can see about finding a more permanent solution. But that ability to test out various shapes and textures seems like it could be useful in the long term.

If you’re interested you can purchase the full Dodil kit at Luvoqa for $111.00 or you can check out your favorite body safe sex toy retailer.

Luvoqa sent me the Dodil in exchange for a fair, honest, and unbiased review. There are affiliate links used in this post.