Aftercare is an essential part of any type of BDSM whether it is a long drawn out scene or a simple spanking when the kids aren’t home. It makes the end of playtime a much more comforting experience and can be a great time for bonding with your partner(s.) As a submissive I know that being held and loved and being able to slowly drift out of subspace and knowing I’m safe is just an amazing feeling. But to me, even in my own relationship, it feels like aftercare is mostly directed towards the submissive. However if you stop for a moment and think about it, dominants or tops need their own version of aftercare as things can be quite demanding on them as well. The questions to ask though are A) do they get that aftercare and B) how can we improve upon the idea of aftercare for them so they get something out of it?
My partner and I have discussed this particular topic more than once and sometimes the aftercare for them is simply being able to take care of me. That helps them come back to center and feel more settled. But I often wonder if I, as a submissive, am doing enough to help them get there because many times I’m a shaking puddle of happiness, drifting through subspace and that makes it hard for me to do much beyond hold onto them and tell them that I love them. Repeatedly. Maybe that is what they need most in that moment. Sometimes, however, they need some space to put themselves back together and that’s OK too. Usually I get a drink and cuddles and they make sure I’m alright before giving me a blanket and ensuring that I know they won’t be far and I can always call out to them if I need them. That is another thing that works for us. What works for us might not work for you.
On the flip side, perhaps you are the submissive who considers things like getting your dominant a drink and making sure their needs are met could be part of your aftercare too. Perhaps you arrange things before hand to make it easy, which is great for planned things, but harder for more spontaneous play (unless you’re super organized and always keep things ready for when anytime becomes playtime.) However you do it I think that finding a way to take care of a top, just as they take care of a submissive is an important thing in any relationship, no matter how serious or casual things are between the people involved.
Aftercare means different things to different people and it can vary so widely that I don’t want to attempt to guess at what it means for you personally. I do want to suggest that readers take a long look at how they practice aftercare and see if there’s a way things can be different that might allow the dominant person to receive more or better aftercare as it seems to be good for them as well. If they are struggling to be grounded after a scene, what can you do to help them come back to center? Do they need touch and closeness? Do they need space? And lastly, how can you combine the aftercare for a submissive with the aftercare of a dominant in a way that allows the people involved to all get what they need?
My immediate impression of the Tantus Curve Super Soft when I opened it to take pictures was one of curiosity. How could something so soft and flexible be a good g-spot toy? So I wiggled it around and played with it in my hands trying to discern that for a few moments before getting pictures. Then the real fun could begin. So with my handy bottle of lube…
For the first time, ever, I was initially unimpressed with a Tantus toy! I had such hopes that it would get me off like a champ being that A) it was a g-spot toy and B) Tantus has never done me wrong before. Very quickly, however, I figured out what my trouble was. I simply couldn’t get the curve of the Curve in the right spot. It was incredibly frustrating and left me reaching for a different Tantus toy to play with.
Trying to keep an open mind I left the Curve for a few days and pondered just how I could make this toy work for me. I love the Super Soft silicone formula that Tantus uses (I also have the Goliath Super Soft and love it!) and the six inch length of the toy couple with an approximately 1.4 inch diameter was just about perfect for this particular toy. I wanted, needed to find a way to make this toy work for me. So I tried it again, this time using a piece of sex furniture to try and change the angles. Sadly that was a no go as well. By this point I was well and truly annoyed at myself because I couldn’t seem to find the continuous pressure that I needed as the toy moved in and out. It felt great at the opening to my vagina, however, so that was a definite plus and one that I did enjoy quite a lot.
Oh, but finally, my friends, finally I found the Holy Grail of the use of this toy. Letting my partner use it on me (without a strap on) and they could reach to get the angles that I could not. Plus that in and out bit of a pop with those slight ridges along the shaft. And it was glorious! I can only imagine how well this toy could possibly work with a strap on. Even with the bendy, squishiness of the silicone this toy suddenly became great for exactly what I wanted, as long as someone else was at the helm. I may or may not have disturbed the neighbors. Oops! If you like g-spot stimulation, but are somewhat sensitive to it or like a more gentle approach the Curve Super Soft just might be your new jam.
So overall, while I had my doubts and challenges with the Tantus Curve Super Soft it turned out to be a winner after all, although it will be reserved for use only with my partner. Which works for me (us.) I received my Curve Super Soft in exchange for a review, but you can purchase yours at www.tantusinc.com, in either midnight purple or black, for $71.63 or $69.99 depending on the color. You can also check your favorite body safe sex toy retailer.
This toy was provided to me by the good folks at Tantus, Inc. in exchange for a fair, honest, and unbiased review. All opinions are my own.
I’m guessing that some of you read the title of this post and immediately though, “Well duh, Livvy”, but I’m not just talking about giving or removing the idea of enthusiastic consent here, although that’s obviously important as well, even in relationships where there is also implied consent. There is something more to be said for letting your partner say no within a sexual situation (or any situation really.)
Having agency within one’s life, sexual or otherwise is incredibly important and, I feel, incredibly freeing. You’re not obligated to go along with the crowd and it lets you do what you need or want to do both in and out of bed. This is something that I think many people think about too much because going with the flow has always been encouraged, especially, it seems for girls and women. We’re expected to say yes to all kinds of things, even when we want to say no. But back to saying no in a sexual context without specifically removing consent.
Here’s an example of what I mean. Let’s say that my partner wants to try bringing food into the bedroom to play with, but on their own they decide that I wouldn’t like it and therefore they don’t bring the idea up at all because they have essentially already made the choice for me (i.e. assumed I’d say no.) BUT, if my partner comes to me outside of a sexual context and says hey, maybe we should get some edible chocolate and some whipped cream to play with in bed. Suddenly I have agency again and I can decide if it is something I want to do or not. For the record, it would be a no; I’ve heard that the edible chocolate stuff is really gross and I don’t want to be sticky from whipped cream. By not making a choice for me, my partner has given me a choice to say yes or no to that particular act. Notice that I’m not saying no to sex as a whole or to other things, but just to the idea of food in bed. It can be your yum, but it certainly isn’t mine.
The example above is pretty clear and concrete and defines what I mean relatively precisely. And it can be about anything between you and your partner, whether its related to your sex life or not. It’s simply another good way to share your lives together and to communicate in ways that give you both the power to say yes or no to any given thing at any given time. There’s no pressure or expectation that something has to be done, especially when we focus back on sex, and instead it creates an open dialog that might given you more or different or better ideas of things to suggest to your partner.
So, yes it is a form of consent to let your partner say no to something just like any other type of consent that is out there, but in this case it can give them the freedom or permission that they need to say no in other parts of their lives as well because they may feel empowered knowing that they can say no to you, so they can say no to others. Never assume that you’re idea is too kinky or weird or vanilla or whatever and that your partner won’t like it. Just ask them!
So lately I’ve been struggling really badly with my bipolar disorder. I’m incredibly depressed and haven’t been able to handle much in the way of running my life. And I’ve spent all weekend wondering what to write about for Wicked Wednesday or even if I was going to be able to write a post. Much angst ensued. Even now these words are hard to write.
What could I recreate? A retelling of some famous tale? A memory brought back to life? And then I knew. I realized exactly the thing that I need to recreate. And it has nothing to do with sex or erotica and everything to do with me. I feel like (and have felt like) that I lose parts of myself to my bipolar disorder. It just takes things away from me like a parent disciplining a child, but I don’t always get them back as a reward for good behavior. If I did, my life would likely be much simpler.
But the thing that I need to recreate, somehow, is that spark that I used to have for writing and blogging and doing things with my life, no matter what they are. I’ve become so desensitized, so numb to everything but the depression that I’ve let that gift slip away from me. And right now, I have no idea how to get it back. I take my medications and I go to therapy, but when you’ve been subconsciously downplaying things to your therapist that doesn’t help much. I had an “Aha!” moment regarding that subconscious behavior just the other day. I’m sure my next therapy appointment should be fun. But back to finding a spark of…creativity, life, energy, I don’t know what to call it. Maybe all of those things.
How do I do this? I don’t think I can force it and I don’t want to force it. OK, I do, but that’s because I hate who I’ve become and want instant change, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how this all works. It is going to be a long road I think and a journey that only I can make. Where do I start? How do I begin? I don’t even have those answers. So until I can find them or figure them out am I doomed to wander lost, trapped inside my head? I don’t think so. I think I can try to actively move forward even with the depression and anxiety weighing me down. It just won’t be fast or easy to do.
So, I guess, this week folks, instead of some steamy erotica or sexy fun, I’m baring a part of myself open to be recreated somehow. If anyone has any sage advice or suggestions I’ll certainly take them into consideration and see how they might help me out, help me be me again, and find my way back into something resembling light even if it is dim.
Sex is typically supposed to be an inherently pleasurable act for two or more parties. Everyone involved should feel comfortable and able to express their feelings and desires. For many straight couples though sex seems to begin and end at the traditional definition of penis in vagina (PIV) sex. Sure maybe some couples are adventuresome and enjoy anal sex, but in many ways it isn’t too different from PIV and that makes it somewhat familiar, while being just a little different and naughty at the same time. And there may be just as many non-straight couples or groups who are stuck in a sex rut of their own. The question here, is how to escape that rut?
One way to do is to look at sex as something more than just intercourse (whatever your definition of that is) and to engage your brain on a more sexual level. Now I know some of you may already do this and get where I’m coming from, but for those of you wondering what does my brain have to do with sex, let me tell you something you might not know. The brain is the largest erogenous zone that we have. It can process sex in visual, auditory, tactile, or even olfactory or tasty ways. Maybe your lover always wears a certain perfume and it trips your buttons (for me its the smell or taste of my favorite lube, coconut oil), the sound of sheets rustling, a naughty picture sent to your cellphone (The Ultimate Sex Toy?) or any number of other things that might grab your attention. Use that as fuel for the fire so to speak. Utilize your imagination to come up with new, creative things to try and run with it.
At that point you’re starting to move away from the idea that sex is strictly “this thing, this way” and exploring territory that may be unfamiliar to you. Maybe technology becomes a larger feature in your sex life (beyond watching porn that is hopefully ethically sourced and paid for rather than by using tube sites, but that’s a different matter) and you discover wearable, remote controllable or Bluetooth capable sex toys. Maybe you sext more. Whatever you’re doing you’re engaging at a different level than “just the basics.”
Your avenues to sexual pleasure and satisfaction are increasing with each new thing that you learn beyond PIV intercourse. Have you ever tried using a dildo on your partner or watching them while they masturbate for you? Have you ever tried fisting? Or flogging? Or even some new weird position that your partner saw in Cosmopolitan or online or whatever? What can you do to make your sex life exciting and fresh? What can you do that isn’t PIV sex that everyone enjoys?
Or maybe you enjoy your sex life just the way it is. That’s fine too. But if you don’t, if you are unhappy with the status quo don’t ever be afraid to approach your sexual partners and say something. Communication is vital to good sex and again there we go with engaging the brain. Maybe part of your communication involves sharing fantasies together and picturing where they could lead if you let them. Maybe you struggle to physically talk about sex. Write it down! Draw a picture! Do what you need to do to move into a new aspect of your sex life that engages your brain more consistently and increases your pleasure. Just whatever you do and however you do it, be safe, sane, consensual, and communicative.
I had been lusting after a Liberator wedge for some time to see if I would like it before diving into larger purchases like the ramp or other pieces of their furniture. Betty’s Toy Box was kind enough to provide one for me as my first review with them and so far you can color me impressed. I knew to expect a smaller box than one might think as Liberator compresses their items before shipment and I got such a kick out of opening up my package and seeing it expand. Sadly I didn’t think to get a picture before pulling it out of the zippered bag it came shipped in (which just might be a great place for toy storage cause I know I’m never cramming the wedge back into it!)
Upon putting the lovely purple cover onto the wedge itself, I was struck by the feeling of the material. It is a microfiber that has an almost velveteen feel to it. And my immediate response was to recoil from it. Something about the way it felt in my hands just wasn’t quite right. But when I laid on it and pressed my body against the fabric it didn’t bother me at all. Clearly I’m a bit of an odd duck. It also attracts dust, lint, cat hair, etc. like crazy, which you can somewhat see in the photo below.
I tried to squish it and compress it with just my hands to no avail. Holding onto it, it feels very sturdy and well made. My next test would be to sit on it and see if my plus size self could squish it that way. It gave beneath my weight, but I couldn’t fully squish or compress the material even at my size (I’m a 22/24/26 depending on the brand.)
So there went my concerns about being too heavy for the wedge. Additionally I used a gallon of water (8.34 US pounds) to see just how it would compress. The water made almost no impression in the material.
I am almost too wide for it though so the plus size wedge might’ve been a better choice for me, but with some care I can stay put just fine.
The Liberator wedge comes in measuring 24L x 14W x 7H and has a twenty seven degree angle that, on its first outing, my partner and I discovered it was great for fisting play. No more sore wrists for them and better angles for more sensations for me. I was excited to see how else we could use the wedge to improve our sex life. Turns out we found lots of ways both together and me by myself. One thing we found out is that it has to be pretty firmly wedged (see what I did there?) in place or things didn’t line up quite right. My butt was basically hanging off the edge to be comfortable if I was on my back. I could easily lay across it on my stomach for great blowjobs or have it under my hips for all sorts of fun, both on my back or stomach. I was comfortable no matter what position I laid in, including using it as a pillow for reading.
To some, the idea of sex furniture may seem a bit odd, but a position aid like this is doing amazing things for my sex life and I think it is something everyone should at least consider trying out. The versatility it brings is wonderful and that’s all the reason I need to keep the wedge close at hand. My experiences with it have led me to become a believer in sex furniture and I think anyone who wants a way to spice things up without bringing “traditional” toys into the mix should try the Liberator wedge and see what kind of fun you can create. To purchase one, head on over to Betty’s Toy Box where they retail for $90 and you get free shipping!
So my last fat and sexy post was in September of last year and it was a shit show. I was having car trouble, knee trouble, and various other issues that I felt related to my problems with being fat and sexy. Fast forward to now and I’ve found out that I have arthritis in both knees that is probably only going to get worse so some of the physical activities I wanted to get involved in are probably either a straight up no go or not a good idea, no matter how much I might want to. Of course, I can also ask what physical activities because I’ve basically been a slug since February. But I’m trying to address that by getting back into yoga. Dear Gods, it is harder than I remember it being and I already knew it would be hard.
But what prompted me to write this post was something I read by the Formidable Femme herself, Sarah Brynn Holliday. Her post “When Do I Get to Celebrate My Fat Body?” took me back to all the times my ex disparaged my weight or otherwise made me feel self conscious about my body. It was so bad that I couldn’t stand to be naked around him or let him see my body. By the end of our relationship though I had lost weight and was finally “skinny enough” (as far I was and still am concerned I was still fat.) But it was too late at that point because I had decided it was over. Not him.
But no matter what size I was then or what size I am now, I still feel damaged and broken. My current partner assures me otherwise frequently, but when I can’t stand to see my own body reflected back at me in the mirror, when I try to eat less, when I try to be smaller because smaller is better, what does that say? It still tells me that I’m not worth the time or the effort, that I’m not good enough and that I’ll never be good enough. I fight this fight just as much as I fight to keep my bipolar disorder under control.
However, as much as I can relate to the post referenced above and how heartbreaking it is for me to see myself fight to be smaller and take up less space in a world where fat people aren’t given license to exist, I am also starting to relate to the idea that fat and sexy are not mutually exclusive of one another. My partner greets me with a kiss and “Hi Gorgeous.” on a regular basis. I’ve finally stopped cringing when they call me that. I don’t roll my eyes anymore, although I will still duck my head a bit, not because I’m ashamed, but because the (still unexpected) compliment embarrasses me a little because I don’t know how to gracefully accept a compliment of that caliber. I’ve never seen myself as striking or pretty or even cute so gorgeous is right out. But I hear it all the time. What do I do; how do I reconcile what I see in the mirror with what I’m told?
And the only answer I have is that I don’t know. So I try to just let it wash over me and be as accepting of it as I can instead of being ashamed of who I am and what I look like. I’m fat, even when I’m “skinny” I’m still fat, and I doubt I’ll ever be at my smallest size again. I mean come on, 2 pounds and 12.5 ounces is just unrealistic for someone my height! Yes, I just made that awful joke. In all seriousness though, I ask the question why can’t I be both fat and sexy? What is stopping me from being both? Is it just all in my head and a matter of confidence? Is the answer really that simple? It doesn’t seem like it is. But what do I know? I’ve never had the confidence to know what being both fat and sexy is. Maybe though, just maybe, I’m learning.