Can Maybe Sometimes Mean Yes?

(Just so we’re clear, I did not write this piece as some kind of weird defense against any of the recent current events involving sexual assault, harassment, and rape allegation that have been all over the media. I wrote this more from the point of view of being in a relationship and making negotiations about pleasure in those relationships.)

Alright everyone, hear me out here before you decide I’m crazy and don’t understand enthusiastic consent. I know that in a perfect world yes would mean yes and no would mean no, but what exactly does maybe mean? Is it a future yes or a future no? Is it supposed to be a polite, if unclear and vague, way of saying no? Does it come from a place of fear of saying yes or no?

Or does it come out of the idea that my partner might like something that I am ambivalent about? Could it be that I simply have a neutral attitude towards something and so I give the neutral answer? But how does that impact pleasure? If my partner never gets this thing that they want and enjoy, could that breed resentment or even anger? Sure it could. But if I’ve said maybe to whatever their sex act of choice is, that doesn’t mean I’ve committed one way or the other. It could mean I’m unsure because I don’t know what they want. It could mean that I am completely uninterested in it. Or the thing could just be kind of meh for me.

So, what if maybe, sometimes, under the right circumstances, meant yes? It means that a person in an actively consenting relationship could be willing to do a thing. It might mean that they do it simply to give their partner pleasure, but they are still willing to do it despite their own feelings towards it. And that is an OK thing to do. Hell, that’s a good thing to do if you ask me. I feel that it contributes to a healthier sex life over all.

However, I recognize that there are some things that some people simply won’t or can’t or don’t want to do. So in that case what does maybe mean? At that point it sees like a way to give your partner the hope that you might be willing to try something new when you’re not even open to it. In that case I would posit that maybe means no, but I would also suggest that you learn to communicate with your partner in such a way that saying no to them is OK. That avoids miscommunications and any vagueness regarding doing or not doing x, y, or z sexual activity. This ability also leads to a healthier sex life.

Now we get to the idea of maybe and consent. Does maybe imply consent? In a long term relationship where the people know one another well, it might or might not. That all depends on the nature of the relationship and how well the people in it can communicate their needs and wants. But if this is just a short term thing or a one time thing, I feel like the people involved have to be more clear than just saying maybe. Maybe can be ambiguous for many reasons and the root of those reasons should be known before assuming that maybe does, in fact, mean yes. So in the long run, I feel like maybe should automatically be treated as a no, except in certain circumstances, such as a long term relationship and even then it requires constant talking and dialog in order to make sure all parties are on the same page.

Have you ever told a partner maybe? How did they respond? Did you wind up doing whatever that maybe activity was anyway? Were you trying to politely say no? Or were you scared to say yes? All of those questions (and more I’m sure; feel free to share your own) are the reasons I ask if maybe can sometimes mean yes. What do you think about maybe instead of a definitive yes or no?


#SOSS (My last S stands for Sunday)

So as much as I read other people’s blogs I am terrible at things like leaving comments and interaction and right now having a lot on my plate health wise makes things a little harder. Spoonie for life, yo! Anyway, my third SOSS post is going up and here’s the goods:

sub-Bee from “A to sub-Bee” has a great post about anal sex and the potential for accidental oopsies to happen, including a rather mortifying tale of their own that, while it isn’t quite the same as what I fear, is close enough. And it is definitely something I relate to as I have a lot of fear around unwanted sounds or sights or anything like that during sex. Thanks for such a relatable read!

Morag’s Moist Musings is a blog that is new to me, but one that is incredibly well done and so sexy. Their post about threesomes just set me off in the most delicious way and I also don’t seem to understand math as I completely agree two can, indeed, go into one!

Hey, Mrs. Robinson picked a great topic for her Wicked Wednesday post (there is a trigger warning attached to so please read with caution) this week, one that made me feel so many things, see the highs and lows, and gave an excellent peek inside their head and into life as well. I’ve been there in some ways Mrs. Robinson so just know that you’re not alone and that someone is proud of you.

Alright y’all, sadly I’m running short on time to get some other things done so this will be it for my #SOSS this weekend. Hope you enjoy the posts as much as I did and know that I’m grateful to be part of such a great community!



Wicked Wednesday – (Twenty One) – (Embracing the Numbers)

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Sometimes I’m made to count. The first time was twenty one (the goal had been twenty four I believe.) Other times the numbers have varied, but always in the double digits. I haven’t counted in some time, but now it is definitely on my mind.

If I’m a good girl, and I always am so I’m told, I get to enjoy lots of orgasms. Sir doesn’t often make me count, but when they do I’d better keep track of those numbers, which is really hard to focus on when you’re coming like crazy. And sometimes being made to orgasm over and over is the best thing in the world. It clears my head of everything but the pleasure I’m feeling and the endless parade of numbers that I must try to remember, but often lose track of. Losing track sometimes means starting over. It becomes a war within my head between keeping the numbers straight and letting the pleasure wash over me.

It is a sweet torture, one that certainly has its own rewards. Being teased and fucked or toyed with until those orgasms hit. After a while they come slower and smaller, but are still there. And sometimes in a fit of sheer exhilaration I get the giggles or I cry and I can’t stop. I’m fine and unharmed, but my body just gets so overwhelmed at the feelings and experience as a whole that I need another way to get it out. It is the same as a spanking in that regard, but so very different at the same time simply because of the sensations I feel. Although now I’m wondering how it might feel to be spanked while I was trying to count orgasms. Hopefully I wouldn’t be expected to try and count swats as well. I’d never be able to keep things straight!

But there are times that I struggle with it too. Sometimes the orgasm(s) won’t come no matter how much I may want one, or twenty one, and that is when I get frustrated the most. I get plenty of hugs and reassurances from my partner, but am also reminded that I’m very different from many women who always struggle to reach orgasm. Or from those who are “one and done” because I am almost never going to be happy with just a single orgasm. My body just begs for more, often until it is too much and leaves me aching. I usually get called a greedy girl then and I can’t help but agree. I know that I’m lucky to be able to experience pleasure in the way that I do and I’m glad that I get to have such awesome sexual experiences with my partner. I don’t think I’d change a thing about it when it comes down to my orgasmic nature. Does anyone else agree or disagree? Have thoughts on being able to have multiples orgasms or just one or even none? How do those individual experiences affect you?

Wicked Wednesday 293 – The ex – (I Might as Well Enjoy It)


So I’ve written before about my ex husband and some of the hell he put me through. I won’t rehash that again here, but for anyone that really wants to read it here’s the link (CW: abuse, rape) Today, I have another story, one that makes me laugh instead of be angry or sad.

“If you’re going to get shit for it, you might as well enjoy it.” Those were the words spoken to me in a quiet conversation by a good friend and my now partner after my ex-husband had accused me for the umpteenth time of cheating on him with any number of various people. Now, I will state for the record that of all the people he accused me of sleeping with, I never slept with any of them, despite having opportunity. I tried to take my marriage vows seriously, even as my marriage disintegrated. But the idea of enjoying myself just because I got shit for it appealed to me.

So I did. I flirted and teased and hugged my friends, male or female, it didn’t matter to me or to them and many of them were in on the joke. Looking back at it, it was probably the most immature thing I could’ve done, but it was still a lot of fun. It drove my husband crazy, but he never once found evidence, even when he started stalking me at the end of our marriage, that I had cheated on him.

When my current partner and I were still just friends before we ended up in my bed one night with them pulling my hair, we cuddled under a blanket and talked about silly things like sending imaginary cuddly photos to my ex or joked about getting married and inviting him to the wedding. Honestly the wedding joke should’ve been my first clue I was going to end up with this person, that I had wanted from afar for so very long. But that’s a different story.

One night the ex stopped by when it was just me and my partner (before we got together) and while we did nothing but sat beside one another, the ex seemed quite curious and was obviously watching us. This could’ve been a prime opportunity to really yank the man’s chain, but I refrained largely because I was honestly scared of what he might do. A short time later he asked to speak to me alone so we stepped outside for what should’ve only been a few minutes, but was more like a half hour to forty five minutes while he tried to pump me for information and asked why we had broken up and wanted to know if we could still be friends. When I’d had enough of his bullshit I turned to walk away and he followed me, trying to bar my way back into my own apartment. Shortly thereafter I had my locks changed. But, again, I’m getting off track.

I took a lot of shit for a long time and finally I decided that I may as well live it up. I’ve taken those words that were said to me and tried to apply them to my life as it is today. Happily, I no longer have to deal with a man who accused me of cheating among other things and there is a kind of absolute trust in my relationship now that neither of us would cheat on the other or deliberately cause harm. That said, I will reiterate that at the time I did enjoy making my spouse think all kinds of things and it was, in some small part, a bit of revenge for the way he treated me in other ways. I’m not perfect and I might as well enjoy it.

#SOSS – Share our Shit Sunday (Because Saturday Never Seems to Work Out)

So I’m terrible at doing a #SOSS post as it is because while I enjoy reading other blogs, I always forget to note what I really liked or enjoyed. Not making notes can make blogging hard. Bad Livvy. Anyway, here’s my belated #SOSS post for this week.

I found this wonderful post from Bex Talks Sex about expressing dominance and while I’m definitely not much on the dominant side of the spectrum, I loved this post and how it came together so neatly. Also, it was interestingly hot to me. I love hearing about other people’s thoughts and ideas on their fantasies.

Mary Q. Confesses brought out a stellar review of the Doxy Number 3 that seriously makes me want to get my hot little hands on one. She is thorough and concise at the same time, explaining her points and not sugar coating things. So if anyone want to buy me a new toy…

Selene is a Sinful Sunday photo taken by Bibulous One that really speaks to me on a visceral level. Not only do I love winged mythological creatures as pictured here, but the gentle sloping curves of the figure surrounded by stars makes my heart happy.

So these are my top three posts that I wanted to share this week and if you haven’t seen them, you should. So go check them out! Until next time!

Wicked Wednesday 291 – (Promote) #SOSS on a Wednesday


So I’m doing my Share our Shit Saturday post a little early this week. Inspired by the “Promote a Blog” theme for Wicked Wednesday I found several things from a few different blogs that I wanted to share. So here we go.

To start us off, here is an older post that I found on Sex Bloggess’ site and it really struck a chord with me because it is something that I too feel that I struggle with. My defining moment to find my sexual voice doesn’t feel like it has happened yet, but I’m pretty sure with some introspection inspired by this post, I may find that I am wrong. I love a good post that makes me think.

Next we have a story from the ever wonderful writer Lascivious Lucy. Christmas is rarely a happy time for me and this erotic tale reminded me that there are people out there who care for one another at Christmas, but was also a very hot, sexy read. The juxtaposition of the two brought me almost to tears (and that says a lot; I am not a crier) and made me smile at the same time.

While I am pretty bah humbug about Christmas, one of the things I truly enjoy are Christmas lights. Decorating a yard or wrapped in a tree they can always elicit a smile from me. In that vein I found not one, but two pictures I just have to share. One of them from Coffee and Kink is simply luscious and really made me want to do naughty things to a pretty girl wrapped in lights. The second photo, no less sexy, is from Tits and Test Tubes and to me seems very ethereal and a bit surreal as though one might be visited by a sexy Christmas vision draped in the night sky.

Taryn from Ace in the Hole wrote a piece earlier in December asking a seemingly simple question. Are asexual people queer? It details some history of the word queer and goes on to have a thought provoking discourse as to why people may or may not choose to use the word queer. It caught my eye because while queer is a label I use for myself I feel invisible because, like the author, I am a white cis woman in a hetero presenting relationship. That doesn’t change that I use queer to describe my sexuality, but it does give me pause and food for thought as to why some people would choose otherwise.

And lastly, I wanted to give a shout out to the upcoming Smut Marathon hosted by our own Marie Rebelle (Who also puts together Wicked Wednesday every week!) This competition will be a great way for authors to improve their writing and get their work out to different people who perhaps may not have otherwise seen it. It also looks like it could be quite a lot of fun. I hope all the participants have a blast with it and I’m hopeful to see it come around again next year when I might have the free time and extra energy to devote to doing as good of a job as I can.

Thus my #SOSS post for this week, albeit a bit early, and the final one for the year of 2017 comes to an end. I hope everyone takes a look at the bloggers I love to follow and loves them as much as I do!

Ethical Porn, Feminist Porn

I recently read an article that discussed just how feminist porn began shaping porn in the 80s and has continued to do so in this more modern era of smartphones and instant gratification, where porn is treated as a commodity to be seen and discarded, where mainstream pornography showcases things like violence, force, and a sheer lack of diversity in the total bodies of work that are being produced.

Now some feminists will tell you that all porn is bad or degrading, some will say its a good thing, and others have differing opinions altogether. As a woman who considers herself to be opened minded, if not quite meeting the definition of a feminist, I say that porn needs the diversity, many people want it and will go out of their way to search it out. The mainstream cut and dried tropes of so much pornography is no longer relevant to a large and growing number of people.

I’ve suggested before that making ethical porn is something that can be done and should be done. By working to legitimize the business itself and treat adult performers like anyone else with a day job, by making sure that people are safe on set, by showing things like consent, by continuing to improve and do better and not succumbing to the free sites with stolen content we can provide ethical porn to viewers who want to see it. I wish I could say that everyone wants to see well made, ethical porn, but I recognize that just isn’t the case.

But the problem is that ethical porn, feminist created or not, is not often found on the free tube sites which is where the majority of consumers turn to get their porn. Or if it is there it is just clips that have been stolen and reposted without credit to the actors or creators of the particular piece of art. Because, yes, good porn is an art form just like regular cinematography is. There is no difference between this amazing film by such and such Hollywood director and the amazing work of ethical, feminist leaning porn stars, directors, and producers throughout the industry. But people label it differently because pornography is still a taboo or forbidden subject. It has garnered more mainstream attention as the industry grows, but many people will still be ashamed to admit that they do indeed watch it. I’m not one of those people. I happily watch well made porn from time to time.

My point here is that ethical, feminist porn does exist, should exist, and will continue to exist and grow. Performers who choose their own scenes and feel comfortable doing them are going to have more fun in front of that camera and that will shine through. And the performers don’t all have to be cis, white, and skinny or fit. They don’t have to be conventionally attractive because there is beauty in everyone. Feminist porn has started to pave the way for more trans, queer, and gender non-conforming performers to have a place in the world of pornography and to advocate for a broader audience with more varied tastes. Ethical porn overlaps here in that it does the same thing in many cases.

My question to do you is what makes porn both ethical and/or feminist? When is mainstream porn going to become more about real sex with imperfections and giggles and stories to be told rather than just using women or men as objects of lust? When will people learn that they can learn from watching better porn than what the standard tube sites tend to offer? Sure, it costs more, but isn’t quality better than quantity in some cases? I think this is one of them and I think that more ethical and feminist porn needs to continue to be produced in order to create greater diversity within the market of pornography. We may never see a return to the adult theaters that existed prior to the rise of VHS, but we can see the rise of cinematography and plot and story in porn that is more than just a parody of something else. And I think that people need to see that. What are your thoughts on the ideas of ethical and feminist porn and how they affect the industry as a whole?