Fat and Sexy: Falling Apart

So right now I’m starting to feel like this post should just be titled “Fat: Falling Apart.” There’s nothing sexy to it I’m afraid. I certainly don’t feel sexy. I need a haircut badly and that always makes me feel unattractive, but what also has me down is my complete and utter lack of gym attendance. Granted for most of July my car was broken so I had no way to get there and as of August I’ve been battling a knee injury that sent has me in physical therapy, but neither of those things change the fact that I feel like all the hard work I was putting in at the gym seems to be for naught.

However, my wonderful partner who is already incredibly attentive and loving has been even more reassuring of how I look and affirming to me that I am wanted and desirable. And I’m finally starting to be able to let myself believe it in tiny ways. It can be hard for me to hear, despite how it does make me feel, but that’s only because I never learned to take a compliment with any grace whatsoever. So maybe this is my silver lining that I’m starting to see the things in me that my partner has seen in me and has told me about for years.

Once therapy wraps up though and I’m back to myself (assuming of course that my knees aren’t wrecked beyond repair) my plan is to start back up in the gym and hopefully start to lift weights and roller skate again. Even if I don’t manage to drop a pant size like I wanted to by the end of the year being active and going to the gym will keep pushing me towards that goal. And for whatever reason that drop in numbers itself will make me feel better about myself. I know it isn’t healthy to tie weight loss goals to things as arbitrary as a clothing size, but there is something about getting to the next size down for me that will feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. I haven’t really examined the why behind this because I’m not sure if I care that much, but I do recognize it as unhealthy and somewhat obsessive of me.

So it looks like this month’s big take away from everything is that despite my injuries and troubles losing weight, my partner does still think I’m sexy and attractive and I’m starting to believe it when they tell me those things. Maybe one day I will see myself as attractive no matter what my weight or pant size is and can more fully embrace my own body for exactly what it is instead of for what it isn’t.

If you’d like to read more of my ramblings about being Fat and Sexy, there are several more posts scattered throughout my blog that can be searched for under the “Fat and Sexy” tagline.

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Fat and Sexy: Onward and Upward

Alright. I survived going to the gym for three days a week and as of June I was going four days a week, except for the week I was sick when I didn’t go at all. Four days a week was hard. I really had to push myself to find the motivation to go, but if I can do four day then I can do five days. I even have my routines all planned out, especially since I learned last month that I could skate at one of the local branches of my gym. It means that by Fall when I start up the roller skating fitness class I’ve been taking when it is in session that I’ll be skating as much as 3 times a week and maybe more. Hopefully that will let me see an increase in pounds lost.

Although I did notice that my knee pads (for skating) are fitting me better and better so I must be doing something right and losing inches or something. Now if I could lose the inches in my arms so my elbow pads weren’t so tight. I need a new pair anyway. Also because I noticed my knee pads were fitting better I realized that it was progress and I was able to see it! Small progress, but progress all the same. And I’m starting to see it in my weight lifting as well. I may not ever be able to lift as heavy as I want to lift (squatting my own body weight would be admittedly cool), but I can lift heavier and heavier as I move along.

So yes, progress seems to be happening. Again, not quick enough for my liking, but I think a large part of it is my eating. I struggled for most of June with my portions and getting them under control and sometimes I still slip up, but I remind myself that losing weight is something like 10% exercise and 90% diet and so I keep trying to cut out excessive sweets and large portions. This isn’t to say I deny myself sugar because I simply couldn’t do that completely. I’m not that self sacrificing y’all. But rather swinging through the drive thru for an iced coffee once or twice a week I’m cutting it to maybe once or twice a month. I’m trying to add more lean protein into my diet and seeing if I can learn to like cottage cheese because of it. It’s sort of working, but only if I pair it with some fruit or something. I much prefer yogurt, but I know it can be loaded with sugar.

Overall, I’m finding that I am pretty happy with my progress most of the time. I have bad days just like anyone would, but I also have good days, and sometimes even exceptional days where I’m just really feeling motivated and I might start out on the elliptical, lift weights, and then drive across town to the other branch of the gym so I can skate there. It might seem silly to make the drive, but if I want to succeed then I have to be willing to push myself further and harder and faster. So here I am and there I go.

Do I feel sexier? Not yet. Do I see progress better than I did before? I’m starting to. When will I feel sexy? Who knows. Does my partner find me sexy? Yes. Does that help my outlook on things? Certainly. So while I’m not where I wanna be, I can’t bring myself to order sexy lingerie to wear, or I still have a hard time with my own nudity. I’m getting to sexy. Slowly.

Will sexy be the be all, end all of my journey? Not even close, but it will help. I want to empower others like myself who are overweight and struggle to feel sexy to be comfortable in their own skin, whether that means a gym routine like mine or simply learning to love yourself the way you are. Sexy is, after all, a state of mind.

Fat and Sexy: Changes

Alright, since my last post I’ve done a few things. I got with my mom and she helped me plan out a three month exercise routine that lets me ramp up how much I’m in the gym and exercising. By September I should be exercising 5 days a week, either at the gym or on my skates. Right now, to think about that seems scary…and exhausting. I’m having trouble motivating myself to go three times a week right now. Anyone got any good tips for motivation? But I know if I want to reach my goals I gotta go.

Speaking of goals…I don’t really see the successes when they happen. I have to rely on other people to tell me if I’m losing weight or if I’ve gained muscle or even if my weight lifting is improving, despite the obvious advancement of the number of pounds I’m lifting. My brain lies to me on this front and it gets incredibly frustrating, but small goals completely go right over my head. I’m trying to learn how to keep that from happening, but how do I figure it out when my brain lies to me and tells me the opposite is happening? It is a mystery to me.

Anyway, my fat ass is trying. I have a goal tracker on my phone, I try to drink enough to stay hydrated (I’m terrible at it), and I’ve been monitoring my food portions as well as the amount of sugar and liquid calories that I consume. This means not eating all the chocolate in the house when I’m PMSing and not getting a giant iced coffee when I can get a small and putting less sugar in my coffee and iced tea. Now, that last bit about the sugar in my tea, that’s important y’all cause I grew up in the South and that is the land of BBQ and sweet tea, so that is a hard one to give up. My solution has just been more water, but it certainly isn’t the same.

I don’t know if I’m losing weight, my pants size hasn’t changed, and things feel very static, but my partner and my best friend both keep reminding me that change is a slow process and it is OK if it doesn’t happen overnight and there will be times I plateau out for periods of time. It’s frustrating. I’m not feeling any sexier or more attractive. In fact, I had a meltdown a few weeks ago because I think my stomach is gross and for a while I didn’t want my partner to see it or look at it or touch. It was really difficult for me on a lot of levels because I communicate so much through touch, but them touching me resulted in a couple of mini panic attacks. No fun and it is an issue I’m working my way through.

So I’ve made changes, I’m going to keep making them (hopefully they’ll continue to be good ones) and I’m working on moving forward with accepting my body, despite the setbacks I’ve had. If I’m perfectly honest with myself, one of my big goals is to drop two pants sizes within the next six to eight months and I feel like if I keep up with my routine and my portion control that I can do that. And if I can, that means I will be the smallest I’ve been in years and almost the smallest I was in high school. That I think I’ll be able to see and call progress. Here goes!

Fat and Sexy – Struggles

So I’d been doing better and feeling better for a while. I really had. But I started slacking for various reasons, none of which were good, and while I’m holding at a size 24, I still want to be smaller, healthier, and yes, sexier. Recently I was in physical therapy for some knee pain and while I’ve not been given any restrictions on what I can and can’t do, I’m still not DOING anything.

Which is making me feel awful and very, very much not sexy. My gym routine has basically become non-existent and that fitness class only has two more sessions before it goes on hiatus for the summer, which means if I want to stay in shape over the summer I have to hit the gym or skate outdoors. And I have to get back to watching what I eat because especially lately, I feel like my appetite has been out of control. I’m at a point where things are really getting hard for me and it all started when I quit going to the gym. To make it worse I had gained back some weight. Not much. Just enough to make me frustrated with myself, to feel like I was worthless.

So it looks like I need to do several things. Re-evaluate my goals to start with and see what I can do to help them along over the coming months. And my goals are simple things like the gym and skating and eating better. I can do all those things. I’ve done all those things. So I’m going to do them again. In fact, by the time you read this post, I should have been doing them again for at least a few weeks. Feel free to tweet at me and ask. Accountability is a good thing.

At this point though, I haven’t cried or shied away from the mirror too much. I’m trying to be more honest with myself about my body, what it looks like. And what it might look like after I lose weight when I realize that I still don’t like the way I look, which might happen. I’m also trying to handle the fact that I gained some weight back in a reasonable fashion. Yes, my immediate response was to be upset and I still find it bothersome that I slipped off the wagon so to speak, but is less than 10 pounds really that big of a deal? I mean it shouldn’t be and to a lot of people it probably isn’t. But to me I’m having to consciously make the decision to not let it be a big deal or I will obsess over it and only make myself miserable.

Right now, I know my strengths, my weakness, my failures. I also know my plans, my goals, and my reality. So it is time for me to get my shit together, turn all those negative things to dust and take the positive things and run with them. Well, not actually run because I’d have two black eyes…but you know what I mean I hope. I may be struggling right now, but there is always tomorrow and another chance to be better.

Fat and Sexy – Moving Forward

In my first fat and sexy post I indicated that I could be fat and sexy at the same time. And I knew that was true, but what I hadn’t realized was how little I really believed in the idea that fat and sexy go together. That was especially true when my clothes came off. Dressed I can wear clothing like armor and in the right outfit I can forget that I’m fat, I can be sexy. If I was feeling really down on my body I would try harder than usual to keep it covered, even from my partner. Staying dressed all day, changing quickly in the dark bedroom, diving under blankets at bedtime so I couldn’t be seen, so my fat was hidden. Never mind that they have already seen me naked more times than I can count. Sometimes bad days are bad days I guess.

More exercise has helped and I continue to be motivated to exercise because I’m trying to reach goals that I set for myself. Being stronger is one of my big goals. Being smaller or skinnier is, to an extent, a lesser goal, but a goal nonetheless. I want to be able to wear cute clothes and not have to shop in the men’s department for t-shirts. And I’m getting there, slowly.

But recently, I had a huge revelation. My partner and I were cuddling in bed after sex (Yes, fat people have sex too) and they were holding me tightly against them, just where I like to be, and said to me,”You’re beautiful and I love you.” Now this may seem incredibly insignificant to most people. It is something a lover would say. It is something that mine has often said to me over the years we have been together. For the longest time I never believed hearing that I was beautiful or gorgeous was the truth. I would heavily discount those words as nothing more than words. I couldn’t understand how they could possibly apply to me. Yet, for whatever reason, that night, no different from any of the other times we’ve shared a bed or cuddled or made love, I actually believed them. My partner said something to me that for years I’ve struggled to accept and finally it seems to have sunk into my head.

Just because I’m fat doesn’t automatically make me ugly, unworthy, or undesirable. It just means I’m fat. And obviously people see that. But what people don’t see is the truth that my partner is teaching me. They’re not saying I’m beautiful because I’m fat, they’re not putting qualifiers on the idea that being thinner would make me more beautiful; they are simply telling me what they see when they look at me.

And if what my partner sees is beauty, then who am I to contradict them and disbelieve them. I know what I look like in my own eyes and I will probably always struggle with that, but I can never tell what someone else will see when they look at me. And I need to learn to let those insecurities go and trust the person who loves me most. I think having it sink into my head that they honestly find me beautiful is the first step to making that change. So here I am.

Fat and Sexy: Progress and (slow) Acceptance

So when I wrote “Fat and Sexy” sometime ago I was really struggling with my own body acceptance and really not getting anywhere. Mirrors were my enemy and I was too much a fan of comfort food to lose any weight. When my weight ballooned and left me wearing a size 28 I knew that I had to do something. I was hurting too much to exercise and it was getting to the point where I got winded walking upstairs to my second story apartment. Diabetes and heart problems run in my family and I wanted to minimize the potential for having those in my life as well.

So I started with cutting out the snacking and comfort eating, followed that up with portion control, and slowly began to lose weight. It took a while because I wasn’t exercising, but I finally dropped a pants size and even losing that small amount of weight helped me see myself in a slightly different light. I still disliked the mirror, but it made seeing myself a little easier. And once I had my eating under control I started exercising. Slowly at first. I couldn’t keep up with the DVD I was using so I slowed it down to a more manageable pace. I started to incorporate body weight workouts. I even was going to the gym for a while, but I struggled with motivation in an unwelcoming atmosphere so that eventually kept me from going back.

Even so I lost more weight. Before the Christmas holidays hit I was down to a size 24, the smallest I’d been in several years. Now I’m back on my roller skates getting fit with a roller derby themed fitness class, plus getting back into a routine after having the holidays and having been sick for a couple of weeks. I’m making progress and while I don’t always see it, other people are noticing.

My relationship with the mirror is bordering on neutral. I’m starting to feel less shame and more acceptance for my body. I was weighed at the doctor’s office when I was sick and I’ve gone from close to 400 pounds to just under 300. That’s progress to me. So is putting my weight out on the internet for that matter. And here I am.

I’m not where I want to be; not even close. My eventual goal is to lose enough weight and be strong and fit enough that I can play competitive roller derby again. Not to mention becoming healthier, feeling more attractive, and generally learning to love myself no matter how big or small I am, no matter what the scale says, and no matter what society thinks. I’m fat, but I’m also gonna be sexy and happy.

Wicked Wednesday 245 – Second Thoughts (Uncertainty of a Woman)

Lexi frowned at her reflection in the mirror. For the third time, she stripped down and hunted for a different outfit. Her body was Rubenesque and delightfully shaped in all the right places but she had a hard time seeing anything beyond a fat girl wishing she was skinnier. She ate right, she worked out, but she never felt like her body was good enough.

And now here she was, planning an outfit  for a date with the cute guy she’d met at the bookstore, unsure why or how he could be attracted to her. Second thoughts and self-doubt plagued her as she tried to get ready; she almost called him and cancelled, but a tiny voice in her head said no. She was going on a date with a handsome man named James and she was going to try to leave her insecurities behind. Alas, she knew all too well that was easier said then done. Finally she settled on a black 1950s style swing dress with bright red patent heels and the lipstick to match. If she was going to do this, she wanted to look as good as she could manage.

They met at the bookstore and James was, for a moment, awestruck at the woman in front of him. He’d found her attractive wearing jeans and a t-shirt, but she looked amazing and he told her so. She blushed heavily, unsure of how to respond, and mumbled a shy, “Thank you.” The pair headed to a small bistro down the street and as they walked along James noticed the looks Lexi received. He came to the conclusion that she really had no idea how gorgeous she was and his aim was to change that. Maybe not in one night, but he wanted more than just a night with the buxom brunette. He reached over and took her hand gently and Lexi gifted him a rare smile. She was still nervous, but figured that if he hadn’t run from her in the bookstore he wouldn’t run now.

The pair enjoyed a quiet dinner, chatting about  whatever topics came to mind. Lexi relaxed in front of James and he smiled at her subtle changes in behavior. Dinner over, they took a stroll along the boulevard. Lexi was still oblivious to the looks she received and James was oblivious to anything but her. So he took a deep breath and asked, “Come back to my place?”

That question caught Lexi completely off guard and she almost asked him why, until she saw the look on his face. Naked desire and it had to be for her. Her blush wasn’t quite so heavy this time, nor was she quite as shy when she agreed. She wondered just how far they would take things and she hoped that if they progressed into sex that he wouldn’t be disgusted by her body.

As they returned to his car, James grinned and pulled Lexi into a dark alley and wrapped his arms around  her, for a scorching kiss like she’d never had before. A tiny moan escaped from her mouth and she stepped closer to James, not having second thoughts just this moment. They made out like horny teenagers in the alley until James pulled away with a small groan. “I want you so bad, Lexi. But if you tell me no, I swear nothing you don’t want will happen.” Lexi somehow found the courage in her to give him a daring look and leaned forward to whisper in his ear. “Come and get me.”

James wanted to practically drag her back to his car and speed to his place. This woman, who seemed to have confidence come and go in waves had somehow gotten under his skin like no one else ever had. The way she looked, her smell, that sudden shyness that overtook her at a compliment, everything. On the drive over his hand rested gently on her thigh and for a moment Lexi cringed internally, afraid he might notice how fat her legs were and be repulsed by her size. The old doubts and fears were beginning to resurface again, despite the kisses in alleyway and his promise of not going any farther than she was comfortable.

They arrived at his apartment and James led her upstairs and poured a bottle of wine. Lexi kicked off her shoes. He handed her a glass of  wine, poured his own and they found themselves sitting at either end of the couch. “Put your feet in my lap gorgeous. I’ll give you a nice massage.”  Lexi took a sip of her wine and slowly, carefully readjusted so that she could do as he requested. “Lexi, it’s OK. Like I told you nothing will happen tonight unless you want it. You’re beautiful and don’t even know it, do you?” “No, I’m not,” Lexi mumbled between sips of wine. James’ hands which had been so artfully rubbing and caressing her feet, slowly moved up to her ankles and further to her calves. It took a moment, but Lexi relaxed into his touch and let herself really think about him finding her attractive and wanting her sexually. It made her almost giddy, especially given how much she wanted him.

Gradually James shifted positions so he was kneeling over her, his hands on her thighs under her dress. His hands slide to either side of her and leaned in for another searing kiss. Lexi hesitated for half a second giving him time to tease her lips with his tongue and then wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into her. She met him kiss for kiss and before long was squirming beneath him, wanting more, while trying to suppress her growing terror if her dress came off. At least she’d picked a matching bra and panty set in red satin. Lingerie was one of the few things that made her feel pretty. He reached behind her back and tugged lightly on her zipper. “I want to see all of you. May I?”  James looked steadily at her for a  long moment before she finally nodded her assent.

He peeled the dress down her body slowly stopping to kiss and nibble at her. The sight of her breasts encased in red satin nearly unmanned him, “I want you  like I’ve never wanted anyone else Lexi. Please say yes.” Her voice was a whisper, “Yes.”He stood, leading her to the bedroom, leaving her dress in a black puddle on the living room floor.

James touched and kissed her everywhere he could, trying to show her how gorgeous she was. He slid his fingers against the satin panties and slowly stripped her.There was the sound of a condom opening and then Lexi felt him inside her, moving slowly, trying to hold on to his control. She gasped, holding onto his shoulders, arching her hips, fears forgotten as her first orgasm of the night rolled over her. Muffling his own moans against her breasts James came as her pussy clenched around his dick. “I’ve got you beautiful.” And her kissed her quite thoroughly, a promise  of more.

wickedwednesday

If you missed last week’s Wicked Wednesday post, you can find it here.