Sex Beyond Penile Vaginal Intercourse

Sex is typically supposed to be an inherently pleasurable act for two or more parties. Everyone involved should feel comfortable and able to express their feelings and desires. For many straight couples though sex seems to begin and end at the traditional definition of penis in vagina (PIV) sex. Sure maybe some couples are adventuresome and enjoy anal sex, but in many ways it isn’t too different from PIV and that makes it somewhat familiar, while being just a little different and naughty at the same time. And there may be just as many non-straight couples or groups who are stuck in a sex rut of their own. The question here, is how to escape that rut?

One way to do is to look at sex as something more than just intercourse (whatever your definition of that is) and to engage your brain on a more sexual level. Now I know some of you may already do this and get where I’m coming from, but for those of you wondering what does my brain have to do with sex, let me tell you something you might not know. The brain is the largest erogenous zone that we have. It can process sex in visual, auditory, tactile, or even olfactory or tasty ways. Maybe your lover always wears a certain perfume and it trips your buttons (for me its the smell or taste of my favorite lube, coconut oil), the sound of sheets rustling, a naughty picture sent to your cellphone (The Ultimate Sex Toy?) or any number of other things that might grab your attention. Use that as fuel for the fire so to speak. Utilize your imagination to come up with new, creative things to try and run with it.

At that point you’re starting to move away from the idea that sex is strictly “this thing, this way” and exploring territory that may be unfamiliar to you. Maybe technology becomes a larger feature in your sex life (beyond watching porn that is hopefully ethically sourced and paid for rather than by using tube sites, but that’s a different matter) and you discover wearable, remote controllable or Bluetooth capable sex toys. Maybe you sext more. Whatever you’re doing you’re engaging at a different level than “just the basics.”

Your avenues to sexual pleasure and satisfaction are increasing with each new thing that you learn beyond PIV intercourse. Have you ever tried using a dildo on your partner or watching them while they masturbate for you? Have you ever tried fisting? Or flogging? Or even some new weird position that your partner saw in Cosmopolitan or online or whatever? What can you do to make your sex life exciting and fresh? What can you do that isn’t PIV sex that everyone enjoys?

Or maybe you enjoy your sex life just the way it is. That’s fine too. But if you don’t, if you are unhappy with the status quo don’t ever be afraid to approach your sexual partners and say something. Communication is vital to good sex and again there we go with engaging the brain. Maybe part of your communication involves sharing fantasies together and picturing where they could lead if you let them. Maybe you struggle to physically talk about sex. Write it down! Draw a picture! Do what you need to do to move into a new aspect of your sex life that engages your brain more consistently and increases your pleasure. Just whatever you do and however you do it, be safe, sane, consensual, and communicative.

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Fat and Sexy: Learning to be Both

So my last fat and sexy post was in September of last year and it was a shit show. I was having car trouble, knee trouble, and various other issues that I felt related to my problems with being fat and sexy. Fast forward to now and I’ve found out that I have arthritis in both knees that is probably only going to get worse so some of the physical activities I wanted to get involved in are probably either a straight up no go or not a good idea, no matter how much I might want to. Of course, I can also ask what physical activities because I’ve basically been a slug since February. But I’m trying to address that by getting back into yoga. Dear Gods, it is harder than I remember it being and I already knew it would be hard.

But what prompted me to write this post was something I read by the Formidable Femme herself, Sarah Brynn Holliday. Her post “When Do I Get to Celebrate My Fat Body?” took me back to all the times my ex disparaged my weight or otherwise made me feel self conscious about my body. It was so bad that I couldn’t stand to be naked around him or let him see my body. By the end of our relationship though I had lost weight and was finally “skinny enough” (as far I was and still am concerned I was still fat.) But it was too late at that point because I had decided it was over. Not him.

But no matter what size I was then or what size I am now, I still feel damaged and broken. My current partner assures me otherwise frequently, but when I can’t stand to see my own body reflected back at me in the mirror, when I try to eat less, when I try to be smaller because smaller is better, what does that say? It still tells me that I’m not worth the time or the effort, that I’m not good enough and that I’ll never be good enough. I fight this fight just as much as I fight to keep my bipolar disorder under control.

However, as much as I can relate to the post referenced above and how heartbreaking it is for me to see myself fight to be smaller and take up less space in a world where fat people aren’t given license to exist, I am also starting to relate to the idea that fat and sexy are not mutually exclusive of one another. My partner greets me with a kiss and “Hi Gorgeous.” on a regular basis. I’ve finally stopped cringing when they call me that. I don’t roll my eyes anymore, although I will still duck my head a bit, not because I’m ashamed, but because the (still unexpected) compliment embarrasses me a little because I don’t know how to gracefully accept a compliment of that caliber. I’ve never seen myself as striking or pretty or even cute so gorgeous is right out. But I hear it all the time. What do I do; how do I reconcile what I see in the mirror with what I’m told?

And the only answer I have is that I don’t know. So I try to just let it wash over me and be as accepting of it as I can instead of being ashamed of who I am and what I look like. I’m fat, even when I’m “skinny” I’m still fat, and I doubt I’ll ever be at my smallest size again. I mean come on, 2 pounds and 12.5 ounces is just unrealistic for someone my height! Yes, I just made that awful joke. In all seriousness though, I ask the question why can’t I be both fat and sexy? What is stopping me from being both? Is it just all in my head and a matter of confidence? Is the answer really that simple? It doesn’t seem like it is. But what do I know? I’ve never had the confidence to know what being both fat and sexy is. Maybe though, just maybe, I’m learning.

Are Cellphones the Ultimate Sex Toy?

Almost everyone owns one. We’ve gone from the big, blocky monstrosities to sleek computers that we carry in our pocket or purse. We use them for all kinds of mundane things from actual phone calls to getting directions, and, of course, watching porn. But watching porn isn’t quite what I’m getting at here, although porn in and of itself can be sexy.

But how can we use phones as sex toys? I mean sure most of them vibrate, but I’m pretty sure that’s not exactly what that function was designed for. However, with cellphones comes instant communication and constant access. And that’s a great thing in many ways if you want to keep in touch with people all the time or if you have a busy schedule, but again that’s not sexy.

You know what is sexy though? Getting to work and shooting your partner a suggestive text message. Getting one back in reply. Spending the day trading sexts and maybe even photos if your job allows you that kind of privacy. It lets you build up the anticipation, the desire for one another over a period of hours, which can be incredibly important to someone with a responsive desire mindset and also, incredibly sexy. So in some ways, a cellphone makes an excellent sex toy, if you’re focused on the mental aspect of things and want to create desire in yourself and your partner But there can be some concerns with turning this little device full of data into a virtual sex toy, by putting it to work as a way to communicate your sexuality and sexual needs.

Speaking of communication, how is this digital form of it important in the great scheme of things? And how does it change our interactions with people? Again we are back to that instant accessibility. If you have consent you can sext anyone, anytime. You can have good “old-fashioned” phone sex. You can make a booty call. And this all happens because someone invented a portable telephone and then refined the idea until we have modern cellphones. But the downside the always being accessible is that you’re always accessible. People expect to be able to reach you regardless of the time of day or what you’re doing. It can be exhausting to be that “on” all the time. But it definitely changes how we act with and react to different people. Sometimes a dick pic is a welcome thing and it is fun to trade photos, but if the wrong person sends you that same picture you’d be offended or grossed out or both. And speaking of naughty pictures that maybe you don’t want Grandma to see at a family dinner (don’t leave your phone unattended folks) privacy can become a big concern.

So how private is that communication that you’re sharing? Sure, it is meant to be a for your eyes only kind of thing for you and your partner, but what many people don’t realize is that phones can be hacked and data mined just like your email or Facebook account can be. Unless you have zero apps on your phone, it probably knows far more about you than you realize. There are ways to mitigate this particular issue if you are truly worried about privacy. One of them is, of course, to not engage in the behaviors, but what fun is that? To my knowledge, one of the best private messaging applications out there for sensitive communications is called Signal. Signal is designed specifically to encrypt data end to end, does not store data on its servers, and can delete messages and leave no trace that they were ever there. Much more secure than say, Snapchat for example. Of course, if you’re the type that likes to save and re-read messages or look at photos then Signal won’t do, but if you want your privates to stay private, that’s an option.

So what do you think? Is a cellphone the ultimate modern sex toy where you can arouse a partner with just a few words sent from one screen to another? Or a suggestively naughty picture to their Snapchat? Have you used your cellphone to sext, share photos, or otherwise engage in sexual activity? If you haven’t done it, would you want to? There is a myriad of questions to be asked all ranging from the sexual nature of the communication, how the communication itself affects us, and how we can keep these communications private. The final take away that I hope my readers get from this piece is that using technology to spice up your sex life can be fun and exciting, but should be done in a way that protects both parties while still allowing them the freedom to explore themselves and their sexuality with their partners.

Wicked Wednesday 309 – Conviction – (I, Submissive)

 

We all have strong beliefs that shape us and make us into the person that we are. I strongly believe in being myself, whatever that means. In this particular instance though, I’m talking about sexual submission because that is a part of who I am. My submission is so much a part of me that I spent years feeling incomplete without it and struggling to understand why I felt like I needed it so much. I still struggle with they why of it sometimes.

But there’s something about service and submission that just does it for me. I crave that power exchange and while I have it in my life now, I am greedy and want even more of it. I don’t think I could do a Total Power Exchange 24/7 kind of D/s relationship. I do think I could use a bit more discipline and structure in my life and while I can be disciplined and make a schedule and whatnot on my own, that’s not the same as submitting to what someone else wants in regards to what I want or may not want. Like food. I have complicated issues with food. But if my partner and I are out and they order for me, even if they’ve consulted me about what I want, those issues vanish temporarily because it is OK for me to eat the food without feeling guilty because Sir says its OK.

There are so many things like that, that are part of my submission and I’m sure there are some that are as yet undiscovered. They’ll come in time as my submission improves and deepens and I become more in tune with what I want and need as a submissive. I’ve always felt that this was a lonely road to walk because I’ve never had people I could talk to about being submissive and what it means to them or to me. I could never open up to anyone about this side of my life because I simply didn’t know anyone who might even begin to understand. Now I’m learning that while the conversation would be nice, I don’t have to have it. I can explore my submission through writing or reflecting or even talking to my Sir. I’d still love to hear and learn from other submissives experiences because I think growth and change are an important part of leading one’s life, no matter how you choose to live it.

I think that my next goal in improving myself to be a better submissive will be to continue to work on learning to love my body just the way it is instead of the way I wish it was. Then when I am tied in ropes or left otherwise exposed I can focus on the event that is happening instead of wondering if the rope makes me look like a sausage about to burst from its casing or if my partner is repulsed by my rolls or my body as a whole. Logically, I know they aren’t. They show me every day that they think I’m beautiful just the way I am, but wrapping my mind around that one is hard. So here’s to pushing through that mental block, past those voices that whisper inside my head. Here’s to using these beliefs as a springboard to a better me.

Where will I go from here? Only time will tell, but I want to be a submissive that makes my Dominant proud. Proud to have me, proud to love me, proud that they have helped me become a better person through my submission. I, submissive, want to be good.

Fearless Sexuality

In order to have sex fearlessly we must be willing to face the things that have shaped and will continue to shape our sex lives. This means facing up to bad experiences, trauma, and looking at our current relationship, both with our partner and with our own sexuality. Sometimes this may take therapy or counseling, particularly to handle bad experiences in relationships or trauma, especially that of a sexual nature.

Sometimes a bad experience can be something as simple as bad night of drunken sex (we won’t get into the implications of consent here), but other times it can be a series of bad sexual encounters, that aren’t specifically traumatic and we need to be able to look at those encounters and say, “OK, this was bad.” And then we must identify what was bad about it and work to change any bad or negative things, particularly if we are at fault. When we can examine our bad experiences and thus, ourselves, we can improve our sex lives simply through being.

Dealing with traumatic sexual experiences can be harder, simply because trauma itself can be difficult to process either alone or with the help of a therapist. But it can be done and if you want to improve your sex life, it needs to be done, for your well being at the very least. I know from my own past that confronting sexual trauma is hard and scary, but I also know that once I made an effort to try and work through it so I could move on, that my sex life and life in general would be better for me. And it was. I still struggle, I won’t deny that, but letting go of some of the fear associated with my sexual trauma was a way to let the healing process begin. I’ll never be completely over it I don’t think, but each day I am better than I was. I find more peace within myself and know more and more that it wasn’t my fault.

In examining a current relationship with a partner you have to look at the way you fit and work together and how compatible you are in a general sense and in bed. Sometimes people who are very different can have the strongest relationships, but if you have a severe mismatch in libido or other problems that you deem serious enough to negatively impact your relationship then those things should be discussed and hopefully compromised upon. And if your partner happens to be abusive and your reflection opens your eyes to that, then I urge you to get out before things escalate. I spent nearly a decade with an abusive man and still have the mental and emotional scars from dealing with it. Don’t be like me.

But, I feel like the most important part of being able to have sex without any fear is knowing our sexual selves. Whether that is through masturbation or meditation it is important to know who you are and what you want out of your sex life, otherwise it will simply be unfulfilled. You must be non-judgmental and be able to look clearly at yourself to know what makes you curious or playful (and playfulness in the bedroom is encouraged) what makes you excited or happy. There is no magic button or pill that will suddenly make you sexually aware of the self. It is something that begins to happen as we grow up and age, but even so our awareness of ourselves is ever changing and sometimes we may even lose sight of that awareness and become a null in a void for a time where it seems like sex or sexuality doesn’t exist. Finding your way out of that particular labyrinth takes fortitude and strength and again the ability to question yourself and be aware of who you are and what you want as you emerge from a void.

Only once you’ve begun to conquer these things and can live in the moment, laugh in the moment, and take joy in the little things can you truly begin to embrace having sex without fear. This is a path that many people follow intuitively because sex is such an integral part of our biology, but for those of us struggling with the issues I noted above it can be much harder to navigate our way through the quagmire that can be sex and relationships or just sex by itself because the subject becomes so conflated sometimes with gender and equality and the ideas of the patriarchy. Sex is yours, his, everyone’s. And yes, sex is power. It is energy. Use it wisely.

Can Maybe Sometimes Mean Yes?

(Just so we’re clear, I did not write this piece as some kind of weird defense against any of the recent current events involving sexual assault, harassment, and rape allegation that have been all over the media. I wrote this more from the point of view of being in a relationship and making negotiations about pleasure in those relationships.)

Alright everyone, hear me out here before you decide I’m crazy and don’t understand enthusiastic consent. I know that in a perfect world yes would mean yes and no would mean no, but what exactly does maybe mean? Is it a future yes or a future no? Is it supposed to be a polite, if unclear and vague, way of saying no? Does it come from a place of fear of saying yes or no?

Or does it come out of the idea that my partner might like something that I am ambivalent about? Could it be that I simply have a neutral attitude towards something and so I give the neutral answer? But how does that impact pleasure? If my partner never gets this thing that they want and enjoy, could that breed resentment or even anger? Sure it could. But if I’ve said maybe to whatever their sex act of choice is, that doesn’t mean I’ve committed one way or the other. It could mean I’m unsure because I don’t know what they want. It could mean that I am completely uninterested in it. Or the thing could just be kind of meh for me.

So, what if maybe, sometimes, under the right circumstances, meant yes? It means that a person in an actively consenting relationship could be willing to do a thing. It might mean that they do it simply to give their partner pleasure, but they are still willing to do it despite their own feelings towards it. And that is an OK thing to do. Hell, that’s a good thing to do if you ask me. I feel that it contributes to a healthier sex life over all.

However, I recognize that there are some things that some people simply won’t or can’t or don’t want to do. So in that case what does maybe mean? At that point it sees like a way to give your partner the hope that you might be willing to try something new when you’re not even open to it. In that case I would posit that maybe means no, but I would also suggest that you learn to communicate with your partner in such a way that saying no to them is OK. That avoids miscommunications and any vagueness regarding doing or not doing x, y, or z sexual activity. This ability also leads to a healthier sex life.

Now we get to the idea of maybe and consent. Does maybe imply consent? In a long term relationship where the people know one another well, it might or might not. That all depends on the nature of the relationship and how well the people in it can communicate their needs and wants. But if this is just a short term thing or a one time thing, I feel like the people involved have to be more clear than just saying maybe. Maybe can be ambiguous for many reasons and the root of those reasons should be known before assuming that maybe does, in fact, mean yes. So in the long run, I feel like maybe should automatically be treated as a no, except in certain circumstances, such as a long term relationship and even then it requires constant talking and dialog in order to make sure all parties are on the same page.

Have you ever told a partner maybe? How did they respond? Did you wind up doing whatever that maybe activity was anyway? Were you trying to politely say no? Or were you scared to say yes? All of those questions (and more I’m sure; feel free to share your own) are the reasons I ask if maybe can sometimes mean yes. What do you think about maybe instead of a definitive yes or no?

Wicked Wednesday – (Twenty One) – (Embracing the Numbers)

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Sometimes I’m made to count. The first time was twenty one (the goal had been twenty four I believe.) Other times the numbers have varied, but always in the double digits. I haven’t counted in some time, but now it is definitely on my mind.

If I’m a good girl, and I always am so I’m told, I get to enjoy lots of orgasms. Sir doesn’t often make me count, but when they do I’d better keep track of those numbers, which is really hard to focus on when you’re coming like crazy. And sometimes being made to orgasm over and over is the best thing in the world. It clears my head of everything but the pleasure I’m feeling and the endless parade of numbers that I must try to remember, but often lose track of. Losing track sometimes means starting over. It becomes a war within my head between keeping the numbers straight and letting the pleasure wash over me.

It is a sweet torture, one that certainly has its own rewards. Being teased and fucked or toyed with until those orgasms hit. After a while they come slower and smaller, but are still there. And sometimes in a fit of sheer exhilaration I get the giggles or I cry and I can’t stop. I’m fine and unharmed, but my body just gets so overwhelmed at the feelings and experience as a whole that I need another way to get it out. It is the same as a spanking in that regard, but so very different at the same time simply because of the sensations I feel. Although now I’m wondering how it might feel to be spanked while I was trying to count orgasms. Hopefully I wouldn’t be expected to try and count swats as well. I’d never be able to keep things straight!

But there are times that I struggle with it too. Sometimes the orgasm(s) won’t come no matter how much I may want one, or twenty one, and that is when I get frustrated the most. I get plenty of hugs and reassurances from my partner, but am also reminded that I’m very different from many women who always struggle to reach orgasm. Or from those who are “one and done” because I am almost never going to be happy with just a single orgasm. My body just begs for more, often until it is too much and leaves me aching. I usually get called a greedy girl then and I can’t help but agree. I know that I’m lucky to be able to experience pleasure in the way that I do and I’m glad that I get to have such awesome sexual experiences with my partner. I don’t think I’d change a thing about it when it comes down to my orgasmic nature. Does anyone else agree or disagree? Have thoughts on being able to have multiples orgasms or just one or even none? How do those individual experiences affect you?