Fat and Sexy – Struggles

So I’d been doing better and feeling better for a while. I really had. But I started slacking for various reasons, none of which were good, and while I’m holding at a size 24, I still want to be smaller, healthier, and yes, sexier. Recently I was in physical therapy for some knee pain and while I’ve not been given any restrictions on what I can and can’t do, I’m still not DOING anything.

Which is making me feel awful and very, very much not sexy. My gym routine has basically become non-existent and that fitness class only has two more sessions before it goes on hiatus for the summer, which means if I want to stay in shape over the summer I have to hit the gym or skate outdoors. And I have to get back to watching what I eat because especially lately, I feel like my appetite has been out of control. I’m at a point where things are really getting hard for me and it all started when I quit going to the gym. To make it worse I had gained back some weight. Not much. Just enough to make me frustrated with myself, to feel like I was worthless.

So it looks like I need to do several things. Re-evaluate my goals to start with and see what I can do to help them along over the coming months. And my goals are simple things like the gym and skating and eating better. I can do all those things. I’ve done all those things. So I’m going to do them again. In fact, by the time you read this post, I should have been doing them again for at least a few weeks. Feel free to tweet at me and ask. Accountability is a good thing.

At this point though, I haven’t cried or shied away from the mirror too much. I’m trying to be more honest with myself about my body, what it looks like. And what it might look like after I lose weight when I realize that I still don’t like the way I look, which might happen. I’m also trying to handle the fact that I gained some weight back in a reasonable fashion. Yes, my immediate response was to be upset and I still find it bothersome that I slipped off the wagon so to speak, but is less than 10 pounds really that big of a deal? I mean it shouldn’t be and to a lot of people it probably isn’t. But to me I’m having to consciously make the decision to not let it be a big deal or I will obsess over it and only make myself miserable.

Right now, I know my strengths, my weakness, my failures. I also know my plans, my goals, and my reality. So it is time for me to get my shit together, turn all those negative things to dust and take the positive things and run with them. Well, not actually run because I’d have two black eyes…but you know what I mean I hope. I may be struggling right now, but there is always tomorrow and another chance to be better.

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Kink of The Week March 1-16: Sixty-Nine (Livvy Rants)

Sixty-Nine. To be quite honest I don’t understand what the big deal is about this particular sexual position. I’ve tried it with men and women both and I’ve never found it terribly enjoyable. It is more difficult to pull off with a man because if you’re on top I feel like it is a bad angle for a blow job and who wants that? From what my male friends have said a shitty blowjob can be worse than none at all and a sixty-nine isn’t conducive to BJs for me. It is uncomfortable and I’ve found that some men can’t do two things at once so I’m just stuck in this awkward position giving a blow job and getting nothing in return. I call bullshit. My female friends largely feel the same way, although I know a couple girls that love it. More power to them.

As for trying it with my girlfriends it was easier, but only marginally and I can’t bury my face into her pussy just the way I want. Again, poor angles. And I’m not the type to leave someone wanting for lack of a good position so all it does is piss me off when my partner isn’t getting anywhere. That’s when it is time to throw them over and just taste them and touch them and properly fuck them. Much better indeed. I’ve asked a few of my girlfriends how they felt about it and one absolutely loved it so I would do it for her, but like me, most of them weren’t fans for some of the same reasons I mentioned.

I don’t have any hot stories about this one, I don’t have any great theory on why this position is awful, I don’t even have any crazy amount of evidence that the majority of people find sixty-nine to be fun or not fun. I just know that from my experiences it completely, totally sucks and I never want to do it again in my life unless it is specifically requested of me. Maybe I just haven’t tried it with the right person. Who knows? I still say it sucks in all the wrong ways but if it is your thing, have fun.

Can toys replace a partner?

My last partner seemed to have a nearly phobic fear that if I had a collection of sex toys (or even a couple of them) that they would be replaced by said toys. There were rules about them even, which basically meant that I could have A vibrator and it couldn’t be bigger than them size wise. So for a long time I didn’t own anything but this vibrator and it was really buzzy and said partner refused to use it on me or with me so there wasn’t much point to having it unless I was playing solo.

Now, I’m a fledgling sex blogger with an ever growing collection of toys. I also have a fantastic partner who enjoys playing with me with or without the toys and isn’t the least bit threatened by them and has gotten me toys as gifts before. The difference is truly amazing and fantastic. Admittedly though, based on my past experiences I was worried that this relationship would be like my last. I’m glad it’s not. I’m glad there are people out there who aren’t afraid of sex toys. It is teaching me so much about my own sexuality to be able to play with toys without fear of censure or scorn. And it teaches my partner more things that I like and gives us more options for how we interact during sex.

Simply contrasting these two paragraphs should be enough to tell you that toys are not a replacement for a partner, but imagine for a moment if you were in a relationship where your partner felt that way. For me, it meant that I was ashamed of even wanting sex toys and was insecure in my own sexuality and once got into a fight with my partner outside of a sex shop over it. It was an utter mess. And no, I didn’t leave the toy shop with anything new. Granted the one time my ex-partner and I went to the same shop I didn’t leave with anything either, but that’s simply because they were overpriced and a lot of the toys were made of unsafe materials.

So my toys didn’t replace my partner, they’ve taught me more about my sexual self, and they’ve enhanced my relationship. Which leads me to ask, why is it often such a controversial topic regarding toys and the replacement of a partner with them? Are some people just that insecure? Have they previously had bad experiences. Weigh in here readers because I genuinely don’t understand where this fear or idea comes from.

Of course, there are toys that do things a person can’t do or give different sensations that a person can create, but why would you let that be a factor in not wanting to bring toys into the bedroom? Especially when with some communication and experimenting you could increase yours or your partners (or both!) pleasure. I challenge anyone who reads this to open a dialogue about it with your partner (if you haven’t already) and move up to toy shopping and even purchasing one that you can learn to use together. Rock out with your toys out!

National Coming Out Day

So about two weeks ago now I wrote a post about feeling Insufficiently Queer. At the time I was very bothered by my lack of visibility to myself and the world at large. I was frustrated and unsure what to do about it.

Turns out that today is National Coming Out Day. And I thought about it all morning long and into the afternoon. I wondered what, if anything, I was going to choose to do. I mean, I know, my partner knows, most, if not all of my family knows, but I still wanted the world to know as some sort of validation I guess.

So I came out via Facebook on my personal page. I won’t be sharing the status here for anonymity reasons, but I will say that it did get a lot of positive feedback, some of which I expected, some of which kind of surprised me. I also won’t be surprised if I lose a friend or two over this, but if I do then they weren’t really my friend in the first place.

I’m queer and I’m not letting my fear of rejection or ridicule or anything else stop me anymore. No more fear. Not today. Not ever again.

Livvy rants about…Rabbits

Hey everyone! I know I basically vanished a few weeks ago and it sucked, but real life got in the way and kicked me in the face a couple times. But I’m back now as I try to wrap up the insanity that came my way and hope to return to a normal posting schedule again.

Speaking of posts I’m going to start a series that will be done (probably) at random called “Livvy Rants…” Since I’m back now and I just tried a rabbit for the very first time the other day and was INCREDIBLY underwhelmed and unimpressed by it, I decided I would rant about it. And yes, I know that everyone is different and toys are not a one size fits all kind of thing. I fully expected that.

What I didn’t expect was the awful smell when I pulled it out of the plastic packaging it came in. I had to really do some looking, although the website I got it from (won in a contest mind you) said it was body safe TPE. Once I let it air out and washed it really well the smell was gone, but initially I was kinda grossed out. Annoying, but easy enough to deal with if you know a little bit about your toys. It was still enough to make me mildly cranky.

I also didn’t anticipate having to push the little beads back up into their section because several of them had gravitated downward towards the motor in shipment. My partner also pushed them back up after we used it the first time. Is this a common thing? It feels like it would be  a safety issue if they managed to get down into the motor.

Also, that motor…ish. Under powered and incredibly loud to the point of being distracting. It was the single largest turnoff to using the toy. I got one OK orgasm out of it before the noise got to be entirely too much for me to deal with.

So yeah..rabbits don’t seem to be my thing and after a disappointing experience with my first one, I think this is one train that I’ll just hop right off of and let pass me by. For those of you that love them and swear by them, good for you, enjoy them. I’m going to cannibalize the bullet out of mine (the good part!) and find other toys that I love. Which means more reviews!! Hooray! Check back to see what I think about the DIY Figure 8 Cuffs from KinkCraft just as soon as I recover from a minor wrist injury that will let me photograph these beauties like they deserve.

Until my next rant…

Love,

Livvy