KOTW – Cutting/tearing off clothes (Memento)

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I’d never really given the idea of tearing or cutting clothing off during sex much thought. I’d never had a partner try it and despite reading about it in plenty of erotica it didn’t really catch my eye. Besides, I reasoned, why would I want to ruin a perfectly good pair of cute panties or a good shirt?

And then it happened. The very first time I had sex with a certain partner I got a little wild and while I didn’t tear their clothing completely off, I did rip the shoulder out of the t-shirt that they were wearing. I was in such a head space that I didn’t recall it at the time, but I was told about it later with a laugh. I was also told to just pitch the shirt as it was (obviously) now ruined. Instead I kept the shirt and put it on the next night when I got home from work. I wasn’t sure if that encounter would be our only one and if it was then I was keeping the shirt as a memento of some of the best sex I’ve ever had (maybe even the best.)

It is years later and I still have that shirt, and the partner, if anyone is wondering. I’ve worn it to dye my hair so now it had purple spots on it, it has food stains that never quite came out, it’s old and tattered and I refuse to part with it. I actually almost cried when I got hair dye on to be honest. It is just a little thing, but it means so much to me that I can’t bring myself to part with it. It will forever be a piece of my history that is etched in my brain in flashes and snippets and moments of clarity and that is something that I cherish completely.

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Wicked Wednesday 283 – Memory Lane (Traumatic)

WARNING: This post is about sexual assault and rape and may be triggering for some readers. Please take care of you and if you’re worried about this causing a problem feel free to skip this post. Love, Livvy

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When I told my ex-husband I wanted a divorce, he asked me why and I simply told him I was gay. There was far more to the story than that, but that’s for another time. He took this declaration of mine as a personal challenge. His stance included a suicide threat that was nothing more than attention grabbing, but far worse than that was the quickly escalated abuse.

He wouldn’t have penetrative sex with me because I had immediately stopped taking my birth control in order to avoid just such a thing happening, but he wanted something so he grabbed me by the hair and forced me to give him a blow job. I choked and gagged and eventually he grew disgusted with me and threw me back across the bed. I honestly thought he was going to physically harm me at that point. If things had stopped there it might have been OK for me. I might have mentally been able to get over that particular incident (although I’d put up with years of such treatment.) But that wasn’t the end of it.

Several days later he found me nude in our bedroom. He asked me if he could perform oral sex on me and I said no. I found this to be an odd request given how he’d never liked doing so before now. But when I said no he kept pushing and trying manipulate me into giving in. Finally (and to my shame) I did. Why? Because I just wanted it to stop. Later I learned of the term coercive rape and that is what had happened to me there. I didn’t even have the courage or ability left in me to fight back and stand up for myself. I felt so defeated and broken. I felt like it was my fault for a very long time and it has taken years for me to learn and understand otherwise

These are two memories that will stick with me, and haunt me, for the rest of my life. Sometimes I still wake up crying. It took some time before I would let my current partner see me naked and more before I was OK with oral sex again. I try to remember these good times when the bad ones come rushing back. It helps. So does talking about it.

But today I’m writing about it largely to get the term coercive rape out there. For all the people who were pressured, badgered, and manipulated into a sexual act that they didn’t want, you’re not alone. And it isn’t or wasn’t your fault. If you’re suffering or struggling, please seek help. Talk to a counselor, a trusted friend, your pastor…whoever you can open up to (I know that’s hard), but it helps the healing process. I’ve struggled with opening up and I rarely go into detail about this if I do talk about it. I use euphemisms and subtle hints and references, but rarely do I say anything words related to sexuality out loud. I just don’t have it in me to do so.

And I know these are terrible memories to share and I hope that my readers will forgive me, but I needed to talk about this as I do every so often, because even after half a decade I am still trying to process it all, still trying to cope. I don’t know if I’ll ever be better, but I’ll be stronger eventually.

WickedWednesday279 – (Sweetness)

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It was a chilly fall day and Allen was taking a walk in the park with his girlfriend Lana. She’d begun to step more and more out of the social whirlwind that her life had been and was much more low key. It drove her mother to distraction, but Lana was an adult with her own money and she could do with it as she saw fit. The only downside was how lonely it could be when Allen wasn’t around. A lot of her “friends” had dropped her once she started appearing less and less and the various galas and parties that were held for everything from the arts to the zoo. Allen loved that they had more time together, but worried about Lana. He’d queried her on the matter before but she assured him everything was fine. He smiled to himself and hoped everything was about to become more fine. She’d met his friends and family and they loved her. He loved her. Allen glanced around and spotted the photographer sitting discreetly on a bench some distance away.

Stopping Lana under a canopy of red and yellow and gold leaves he gave her a gentle kiss, lingering for a moment too long before taking a deep breath and looking at her. “Lana, I love you,” he spoke as he moved to kneel and pull a small box from his pocket, “and I know this isn’t much like maybe you’d imagined things would be, but will you be my wife?” Her mouth opened briefly in surprise. She loved Allen dearly and never thought this day might come, even now. She’d always felt she was hard to love, but knowing how Allen felt; she dropped to her knees against him, not caring what anyone thought and a whispered yes floated to his ears. He slipped the small diamond onto her finger and held her close as they shared another kiss. Allen thought he could vaguely hear the click of a camera.

Slowly the couple rose and Allen turned a smiling Lana around to face the camera and wrapped his arms around her. A final shot and Allen knew these pictures would be a fantastic surprise, although Lana was too busy staring at him to have (thankfully) noticed she was on camera the entire time. Once they were developed he’d make a gift of them to her. As they turned to continue their walk Allen shot a quick wave at the photographer who headed off to work on these newest shots. They knew these were some good shots and almost regretted that Allen had made her sign an NDA about them, but she understood the need for privacy for himself and his fiancee whom she’d recognized from the social pages in the local paper.

Lana was content walking with Allen, knowing she’d walk with him wherever he wanted to go and they gradually made the loop back to car chatting quietly about everything and nothing. At one point he looked at her. “You know, Darlin’, I’m glad you’re not like so many other women. Most of them would already be planning the wedding.” They laughed together. “Our time together is definitely more than just wedding planning and that’s not going to change.” She winked and gave him a wicked little grin before standing on tiptoe to give him a scorchingly hot kiss, ignoring the wolf whistles and calls of “Get a room!” that surrounded them. But they did take the advice as they quickly headed back to what she’d begun to think of as their house since she spent more time with Allen at there than her own lavish apartment. It had stopped feeling like home.

The instant the door closed behind them, Allen had Lana in his arms and was kissing her as though he wanted to devour her and she held to him with equal fervor. The pair broke only to undress, not caring that the bed was rooms away and Allen laid her gently on the carpeted floor where he wasted no time in diving between her legs to taste her sweet pussy. His arms wrapped around her thighs to hold her still and he licked and sucked for all he was worth and then some. He wanted nothing more than to feel her come for him. Lana’s hips bucked as she rode his face and moaned softly, reaching down to stroke his hair. “Yes, Allen, yes! I love you.” He chuckled against her skin and those vibrations made her hips twitch harder so he hummed gently as he sucked her clit between his lips and her orgasm was nearly immediate. She came so hard that she squirted for the very first time and soaked Allen to his chest. He pulled away from her laughing and grabbed his discarded shirt wiping the worst from his body while licking his lips delightedly. “We’ll do that again sometime Princess, I promise. But I need your pussy wrapped around my dick right now.” And he slid inside of her slowly causing them both to moan and then began to pump in and out slow at first, gentle, with Lana matching his rhythm as her legs wrapped around him. They rocked back and forth with one another whispering sweet nothing as they made love until suddenly Lana felt her pussy tighten around him. “I’m gonna come, ‘she gasped. Allen started down at her, “Don’t close your eyes, Baby. Let me see you.” She threw her head back and her hips moved faster against him and just as the orgasm hit her she looked back up at him her grey eyes darkening to a stormy hue. She rode it out, thrashing and bucking her hips, but never broke eye contact with Allen. He stared in awe at the beauty beneath him and with two final hard thrusts he came as well. They’d forgotten a condom and she could feel the warmth of him shooting inside of her. It made her moan and clench around him again as a second smaller orgasm hit her body. They laid there on the carpet together, thoroughly sated and happy until a chill began to set in. Then they headed to the bedroom for another round.

There are several other stories in this series. They can be found here, here, and here.

Wicked Wednesday – 262 – Blinded (Gorgeous?)

“Hello, Gorgeous.” I looked at my partner, then glanced around wondering if they were talking to me. As we were alone together, it seemed pretty obvious that I was the person being addressed. I just shook my head a little and gave them a hug. I absolutely couldn’t see why they were calling me gorgeous so I dismissed it and moved on.

Instead of being upset or annoyed with me for not acknowledging what they meant as a compliment, they have only kept repeating that same statement to me, sometimes multiple times a day or with slight variations for the last five years. Maybe eventually I’ll get it. I’ll get out of bed one morning and look in the mirror and see what my partner sees. Or there will be some crazy transcendental moment mid-orgasm. I don’t know.

I do know that I’ve never considered myself to even be cute, much less words like beautiful or gorgeous, both of which I am frequently called by my absolute favorite person in the world. Instead I look in the mirror and all I can see are the flaws that make me so human and imperfect and what I see isn’t good enough. It never has been for as long as I can remember. In a world where looks appear to be valued over everything else, I was raised to be the smart one. And it taught me that smart girls/women aren’t pretty. We’re awkward and maybe a little ugly on the outside, but beautiful on the inside (where it counts.) Being fat as well means I feel like I have that hurdle to jump as well, but I can’t jump; no really I broke a bone trying track once.

So here I am, over 30, overweight, and left staring at a reflection that I just don’t see as positive. Granted I no longer see myself as overwhelmingly negative and sometimes I don’t even see myself in a negative light at all. So I might be making tiny steps towards progress if you can call being neutral about one’s own image progress. But that neutrality often leaves me feeling a bit blind, because I don’t really look at myself in a mirror unless I am deliberately searching for whatever flaw I might have, either real or perceived. Often, I wonder what is wrong with me that I can be so conscious of my own appearance that I can’t just relax and see the good things about myself.

Of course, then I tell myself that there is nothing good about my appearance and I move on to something else that nags at me or my self esteem or whatever. I’ve just accepted that I’m never going to be the “pretty one”; instead I’m considered smart and that is supposed to be enough in a society where the female form is supposed to aspire to reach unattainable heights of beauty that I know I will never see. And my partner always comes back to “Hello, Gorgeous.”

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If you missed last week’s Wicked Wednesday, you can find it here.

Homecoming

He’d driven through a snowstorm to get to her and drove through it again to take her home. They barely made it upstairs with her luggage as exhaustion consumed them both. Crawling into bed with the intention of sleep was the only thing on either of their minds. But when they shared a kiss goodnight, it quickly became more than just a kiss.

Arms and legs tangled, lips met over and over, and she was so ready for him. His fingers found her wetness as they kissed, tongues tussling back and forth and he wanted to take her badly. He pulled lips from hers, fingering her pussy and whispered in her ear. “Come for me, so I can eat you.” Her body arched and as soon as her brain processed his words that long-awaited orgasm hit her like a freight train. And he lowered his mouth to taste her, licking her inner thighs at first then simply burying his head between them. She couldn’t help her moans and hoped they didn’t wake the neighbors. Her second orgasm ripped through her body and she lifted her hips from the bed, her back arched high before  falling back to catch her breath.

He waited for her, patiently, to be ready for him again when she sat up suddenly and gave him a naughty grin and growled, “My turn.” They tussled across the bed laughing and eventually she came out on top and took his cock into her pussy, clenching her muscles all the way down. Her hips rocked back and forth a steady slow motion that made them both gasp with pleasure. She leaned down and whispered in his ear. “Don’t come. I wanna suck you off and taste it.” He groaned and gave her an almost pained look. A naughty smile and a kiss was her only answer as she continued to ride his cock, chasing her own orgasm. He trapped her in his arms when she kissed him and began thrusting his hips hard forcing the much chased orgasm from her body. He swore softly, holding very still for her as she shuddered and he felt her muscles moving against him. Gods, she felt good.

Moving slowly, she slid off of his cock and immediately moved to take him in her mouth. She moaned softly tasting her own juices and sucked harder, before resorting to teasing him slowly with her lips and tongue. She knew he was more than ready for her, but she wanted to take her time and enjoy him because it felt like ages that she’d touched, although she’d only been gone about three weeks. That had been three weeks too long without him. And she wanted him to know that. So she showed him gently, lovingly watching his face as he relaxed into the pleasure. And then she purred around his dick and he almost shot straight up in bed moaning at the vibrations that produced. Looking up at him she innocently asked if she should it again. He nodded slowly so she lowered her mouth back to him, sinking as far down on his cock as she could and purred again, then sucked hard. He bucked his hips, forcing more of himself into her mouth and she let him, relaxing her mouth and throat and he began to face fuck her gently at first then harder gasping each time. Suddenly he froze in her mouth and she pulled back slightly as he began to come for her. She wanted to taste him like he had tasted her earlier. Mmmm, so good.

Wicked Wednesday 259 – Space – (Looking Up)

They’d been friends for years and often shared late night dinners or just hung out with a cup of coffee and chatted. There was a time when both of their lives went sideways and she couldn’t be there for him as well as she wished, but he was still there for her. He always reminded her to look up, especially at night and see the wonder of the stars and space above us. It was always so vast and overwhelming and she was reminded she was but a speck of dust in the cosmos. Yet, somehow, she kept going and he was her best friend and support, cheering her up on bad days, cheering her on when she tried something new. They talked about their pasts, about the present, and about various plans for the future. One August night he suggested they go stargazing. She, who had never been, thought it might be a novel opportunity and was happy to indulge him.

The Perseid’s were bright and moving across the sky at an excellent pace providing plenty of chances to see them. She found herself wrapped in his arms as they watched and he pointed out different stars and constellations as well. A large meteor, a fireball, zipped across the sky and both of them gasped at the beauty of it. And he kissed her there under the stars, finally brave enough to act on what they both knew had been brewing all along. Her arms rested on his shoulders and she looked up at him, wordlessly, for a long moment before they came together in a gentle hug. It wasn’t closeness that brought them together after all, but space.

And in that space, they both found a love they thought they would never know, never get to share with someone, never come close to experiencing. Together they started a journey that hasn’t yet ended. Each year they try to catch all the meteor showers possible. Each year they grow closer. The space between them gives way to more physicality, but the space that brought them together is always there, high and vast and untouchable.

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Wicked Wednesday 258 – Long Lost Friends (Friends and Lovers)

Sarah moaned at the feeling of Geoff’s mouth on her pussy, licking and sucking and biting at her clit fiercely. Her hips arched and she orgasmed again, before falling back to the bed exhausted. She wiggled with delight, loving the idea that a man would fuck her and then go down on her. So hot! She wondered if he would be up for round two later, but right now nature was calling. She got out of bed and came back a few minutes later, opening a dresser drawer and grabbed a t-shirt to throw on for now. The pair curled up in the bed each lost in their own thoughts for a moment or two.

Geoff wondered how much longer things would last with Sarah and knew he wanted more than he could really have from her at this point with his work schedule and all, but he was going to take as much as he could get from the beauty in his bed. He was getting hard again just thinking about her long red hair and piercingly green eyes. She was definitely an Irish lass in the purest sense of the word and after meeting her it made him wish they had very different lives.

Sarah pondered the idea of just what Casey was going to think about this when they found out. She wasn’t sure how much of a reaction she’d get to be honest. Casey was usually pretty chill about things like this as long as it wasn’t too frequent. They could be rather possessive, which Sarah didn’t mind, but also having the freedom to go off on her own like this was nice. She missed Casey though. Her phone dinged on the nightstand and it was Casey texting her to met up at the bar later. Sarah replied excitedly, then turned to Geoff. “I have plans tonight. You’re coming with me.” Geoff laughed at her bossiness and agreed.

As they dressed later after another round of mind-blowing sex that had included Sarah’s first anal experience they chatted amiably about the weather and other mundane things. Sarah freshened her hair and make up, although she still looked quite fuckable to Geoff and it was all he could not to bend her over the dining room table for a quickie. “Oh the hell with it”, he muttered. He grabbed Sarah by the waist and pushed her to the table where he flipped up her skirt. She yanked her panties to her knees as he unzipped his pants and within moment they were fucking again, her breasts being pushed into the table, his hips grinding against hers. It took just moments for both of them to orgasm and then put themselves back together so they could leave for the bar that Sarah wanted to go to.

Walking inside, Geoff glanced around. It was just a quiet pub and Sarah’s face lit up as she saw a friend wave her over. She walked to the table with geoff intow who immediately recognized the pretty dark hair omen sitting there and smiled at her. “Casey, it’s been a long time.” “Yes, yes it has.” Sarah was a bit puzzled and looked from one of them to the other. “You two have met?” Casey nodded, “We went to high school together.” Geoff chimed in, “Yeah, did you know I had a terrible crush on you, Casey? I chased you starting our freshman year and you never noticed.” “Oh. Well this is a bit…well…awkward then. Geoff, I see you’re already acquainted with my girlfriend, so there’s no real need for introductions. Let’s have a drink shall we.”

Sarah sat in the chair next to Casey and gave her a soft lingering kiss. “I missed you,” she murmured quietly and Casey slid an arm over Sarah’s shoulders. “I missed you too, but I knew you’d come back my little bird. You always do.” Geoff cleared his throat awkwardly, “I’ll just go get drinks, what would you two like?” “Jack neat for me and Sarah will have a sloe gin fizz.” As Geoff walked away Sarah spoke to Casey, “I think he’s had a bit of a shock, even though I did tell him I was bi; I just neglected to mention that I was also quite taken by my favorite bad ass woman on the planet.” “You think he’s shocked? Honey, I never dreamed I’d run into him again much less know that my girlfriend had been fucking him. Did he treat you right?” “Yes Dear, he did. You know if he hadn’t I wouldn’t have brought him along; hell I’d never have even fucked him. Although I definitely feel a little awkward about it all. You know, fucking the guy that pined after you for years. Casey kissed her girlfriend again. “it’s OK. But I need to know if this is going to become a regular thing.” “No, its not, he’s only in town for a few days and after tonight I’m pretty sure he’s not going to want me back in his bed. Ours is more comfortable anyway,” Sarah laughed.

Geoff quietly watched the ladies while he waited in line at the bar and was slightly furious because Sarah essentially lied to him and because he now knew why Casey had never noticed him. It was driving him crazy and when he got to the bar he ordered the ladies drinks, plus a double scotch for himself. Juggling the drinks back to the table he sat them down before taking a seat himself. “So uhh, Casey how’ve you been the last few years?” “Oh you know, college, more college, bought a motorcycle and finally met the best woman on the planet.” What about you? “About the same minus the motorcycle and getting to keep the girl.” Geoff couldn’t help a touch of bitterness in those last words. He sipped his scotch, though he would’ve preferred to chug it and be on his way. Sarah sat just listening to the awkward conversation, feeling just as awkward as the other two. What next, they all wondered, what indeed?

Sarah moaned at the feeling of Geoff’s mouth on her pussy, licking and sucking and biting at her clit fiercely. Her hips arched and she orgasmed again, before falling back to the bed exhausted. She wiggled with delight, loving the idea that a man would fuck her and then go down on her. So hot! She wondered if he would be up for round two later, but right now nature was calling. She got out of bed and came back a few minutes later, opening a dresser drawer and grabbed a t-shirt to throw on for now. The pair curled up in the bed each lost in their own thoughts for a moment or two.

Geoff wondered how much longer things would last with Sarah and knew he wanted more than he could really have from her at this point with his work schedule and all, but he was going to take as much as he could get from the beauty in his bed. He was getting hard again just thinking about her long red hair and piercingly green eyes. She was definitely an Irish lass in the purest sense of the word and after meeting her it made him wish they had very different lives.

Sarah pondered the idea of just what Casey was going to think about this when they found out. She wasn’t sure how much of a reaction she’d get to be honest. Casey was usually pretty chill about things like this as long as it wasn’t too frequent. They could be rather possessive, which Sarah didn’t mind, but also having the freedom to go off on her own like this was nice. She missed Casey though. Her phone dinged on the nightstand and it was Casey texting her to met up at the bar later. Sarah replied excitedly, then turned to Geoff. “I have plans tonight. You’re coming with me.” Geoff laughed at her bossiness and agreed.

As they dressed later after another round of mind-blowing sex that had included Sarah’s first anal experience they chatted amiably about the weather and other mundane things. Sarah freshened her hair and make up, although she still looked quite fuckable to Geoff and it was all he could not to bend her over the dining room table for a quickie. “Oh the hell with it”, he muttered. He grabbed Sarah by the waist and pushed her to the table where he flipped up her skirt. She yanked her panties to her knees as he unzipped his pants and within moment they were fucking again, her breasts being pushed into the table, his hips grinding against hers. It took just moments for both of them to orgasm and then put themselves back together so they could leave for the bar that Sarah wanted to go to.

Walking inside, Geoff glanced around. It was just a quiet pub and Sarah’s face lit up as she saw a friend wave her over. She walked to the table with geoff intow who immediately recognized the pretty dark hair omen sitting there and smiled at her. “Casey, it’s been a long time.” “Yes, yes it has.” Sarah was a bit puzzled and looked from one of them to the other. “You two have met?” Casey nodded, “We went to high school together.” Geoff chimed in, “Yeah, did you know I had a terrible crush on you, Casey? I chased you starting our freshman year and you never noticed.” “Oh. Well this is a bit…well…awkward then. Geoff, I see you’re already acquainted with my girlfriend, so there’s no real need for introductions. Let’s have a drink shall we.”

Sarah sat in the chair next to Casey and gave her a soft lingering kiss. “I missed you,” she murmured quietly and Casey slid an arm over Sarah’s shoulders. “I missed you too, but I knew you’d come back my little bird. You always do.” Geoff cleared his throat awkwardly, “I’ll just go get drinks, what would you two like?” “Jack neat for me and Sarah will have a sloe gin fizz.” As Geoff walked away Sarah spoke to Casey, “I think he’s had a bit of a shock, even though I did tell him I was bi; I just neglected to mention that I was also quite taken by my favorite bad ass woman on the planet.” “You think he’s shocked? Honey, I never dreamed I’d run into him again much less know that my girlfriend had been fucking him. Did he treat you right?” “Yes Dear, he did. You know if he hadn’t I wouldn’t have brought him along; hell I’d never have even fucked him. Although I definitely feel a little awkward about it all. You know, fucking the guy that pined after you for years. Casey kissed her girlfriend again. “it’s OK. But I need to know if this is going to become a regular thing.” “No, its not, he’s only in town for a few days and after tonight I’m pretty sure he’s not going to want me back in his bed. Ours is more comfortable anyway,” Sarah laughed.

Geoff quietly watched the ladies while he waited in line at the bar and was slightly furious because Sarah essentially lied to him and because he now knew why Casey had never noticed him. It was driving him crazy and when he got to the bar he ordered the ladies drinks, plus a double scotch for himself. Juggling the drinks back to the table he sat them down before taking a seat himself. “So uhh, Casey how’ve you been the last few years?” “Oh you know, college, more college, bought a motorcycle and finally met the best woman on the planet.” What about you? “About the same minus the motorcycle and getting to keep the girl.” Geoff couldn’t help a touch of bitterness in those last words. He gulped his scotch before offering a hasty apology. “I…I should go,” he said and finished the scotch in another gulp before walking out of Casey and Sarah’s lives for good.

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