Wicked Wednesday – 319 – Let Your Partner Say No

I’m guessing that some of you read the title of this post and immediately though, “Well duh, Livvy”, but I’m not just talking about giving or removing the idea of enthusiastic consent here, although that’s obviously important as well, even in relationships where there is also implied consent. There is something more to be said for letting your partner say no within a sexual situation (or any situation really.)

Having agency within one’s life, sexual or otherwise is incredibly important and, I feel, incredibly freeing. You’re not obligated to go along with the crowd and it lets you do what you need or want to do both in and out of bed. This is something that I think many people think about too much because going with the flow has always been encouraged, especially, it seems for girls and women. We’re expected to say yes to all kinds of things, even when we want to say no. But back to saying no in a sexual context without specifically removing consent.

Here’s an example of what I mean. Let’s say that my partner wants to try bringing food into the bedroom to play with, but on their own they decide that I wouldn’t like it and therefore they don’t bring the idea up at all because they have essentially already made the choice for me (i.e. assumed I’d say no.) BUT, if my partner comes to me outside of a sexual context and says hey, maybe we should get some edible chocolate and some whipped cream to play with in bed. Suddenly I have agency again and I can decide if it is something I want to do or not. For the record, it would be a no; I’ve heard that the edible chocolate stuff is really gross and I don’t want to be sticky from whipped cream. By not making a choice for me, my partner has given me a choice to say yes or no to that particular act. Notice that I’m not saying no to sex as a whole or to other things, but just to the idea of food in bed. It can be your yum, but it certainly isn’t mine.

The example above is pretty clear and concrete and defines what I mean relatively precisely. And it can be about anything between you and your partner, whether its related to your sex life or not. It’s simply another good way to share your lives together and to communicate in ways that give you both the power to say yes or no to any given thing at any given time. There’s no pressure or expectation that something has to be done, especially when we focus back on sex, and instead it creates an open dialog that might given you more or different or better ideas of things to suggest to your partner.

So, yes it is a form of consent to let your partner say no to something just like any other type of consent that is out there, but in this case it can give them the freedom or permission that they need to say no in other parts of their lives as well because they may feel empowered knowing that they can say no to you, so they can say no to others. Never assume that you’re idea is too kinky or weird or vanilla or whatever and that your partner won’t like it. Just ask them!

 

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Wicked Wednesday – 318 – Recreate

 

So lately I’ve been struggling really badly with my bipolar disorder. I’m incredibly depressed and haven’t been able to handle much in the way of running my life. And I’ve spent all weekend wondering what to write about for Wicked Wednesday or even if I was going to be able to write a post. Much angst ensued. Even now these words are hard to write.

What could I recreate? A retelling of some famous tale? A memory brought back to life? And then I knew. I realized exactly the thing that I need to recreate. And it has nothing to do with sex or erotica and everything to do with me. I feel like (and have felt like) that I lose parts of myself to my bipolar disorder. It just takes things away from me like a parent disciplining a child, but I don’t always get them back as a reward for good behavior. If I did, my life would likely be much simpler.

But the thing that I need to recreate, somehow, is that spark that I used to have for writing and blogging and doing things with my life, no matter what they are. I’ve become so desensitized, so numb to everything but the depression that I’ve let that gift slip away from me. And right now, I have no idea how to get it back. I take my medications and I go to therapy, but when you’ve been subconsciously downplaying things to your therapist that doesn’t help much. I had an “Aha!” moment regarding that subconscious behavior just the other day. I’m sure my next therapy appointment should be fun. But back to finding a spark of…creativity, life, energy, I don’t know what to call it. Maybe all of those things.

How do I do this? I don’t think I can force it and I don’t want to force it. OK, I do, but that’s because I hate who I’ve become and want instant change, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how this all works. It is going to be a long road I think and a journey that only I can make. Where do I start? How do I begin? I don’t even have those answers. So until I can find them or figure them out am I doomed to wander lost, trapped inside my head? I don’t think so. I think I can try to actively move forward even with the depression and anxiety weighing me down. It just won’t be fast or easy to do.

So, I guess, this week folks, instead of some steamy erotica or sexy fun, I’m baring a part of myself open to be recreated somehow. If anyone has any sage advice or suggestions I’ll certainly take them into consideration and see how they might help me out, help me be me again, and find my way back into something resembling light even if it is dim.

 

 

Are Cellphones the Ultimate Sex Toy?

Almost everyone owns one. We’ve gone from the big, blocky monstrosities to sleek computers that we carry in our pocket or purse. We use them for all kinds of mundane things from actual phone calls to getting directions, and, of course, watching porn. But watching porn isn’t quite what I’m getting at here, although porn in and of itself can be sexy.

But how can we use phones as sex toys? I mean sure most of them vibrate, but I’m pretty sure that’s not exactly what that function was designed for. However, with cellphones comes instant communication and constant access. And that’s a great thing in many ways if you want to keep in touch with people all the time or if you have a busy schedule, but again that’s not sexy.

You know what is sexy though? Getting to work and shooting your partner a suggestive text message. Getting one back in reply. Spending the day trading sexts and maybe even photos if your job allows you that kind of privacy. It lets you build up the anticipation, the desire for one another over a period of hours, which can be incredibly important to someone with a responsive desire mindset and also, incredibly sexy. So in some ways, a cellphone makes an excellent sex toy, if you’re focused on the mental aspect of things and want to create desire in yourself and your partner But there can be some concerns with turning this little device full of data into a virtual sex toy, by putting it to work as a way to communicate your sexuality and sexual needs.

Speaking of communication, how is this digital form of it important in the great scheme of things? And how does it change our interactions with people? Again we are back to that instant accessibility. If you have consent you can sext anyone, anytime. You can have good “old-fashioned” phone sex. You can make a booty call. And this all happens because someone invented a portable telephone and then refined the idea until we have modern cellphones. But the downside the always being accessible is that you’re always accessible. People expect to be able to reach you regardless of the time of day or what you’re doing. It can be exhausting to be that “on” all the time. But it definitely changes how we act with and react to different people. Sometimes a dick pic is a welcome thing and it is fun to trade photos, but if the wrong person sends you that same picture you’d be offended or grossed out or both. And speaking of naughty pictures that maybe you don’t want Grandma to see at a family dinner (don’t leave your phone unattended folks) privacy can become a big concern.

So how private is that communication that you’re sharing? Sure, it is meant to be a for your eyes only kind of thing for you and your partner, but what many people don’t realize is that phones can be hacked and data mined just like your email or Facebook account can be. Unless you have zero apps on your phone, it probably knows far more about you than you realize. There are ways to mitigate this particular issue if you are truly worried about privacy. One of them is, of course, to not engage in the behaviors, but what fun is that? To my knowledge, one of the best private messaging applications out there for sensitive communications is called Signal. Signal is designed specifically to encrypt data end to end, does not store data on its servers, and can delete messages and leave no trace that they were ever there. Much more secure than say, Snapchat for example. Of course, if you’re the type that likes to save and re-read messages or look at photos then Signal won’t do, but if you want your privates to stay private, that’s an option.

So what do you think? Is a cellphone the ultimate modern sex toy where you can arouse a partner with just a few words sent from one screen to another? Or a suggestively naughty picture to their Snapchat? Have you used your cellphone to sext, share photos, or otherwise engage in sexual activity? If you haven’t done it, would you want to? There is a myriad of questions to be asked all ranging from the sexual nature of the communication, how the communication itself affects us, and how we can keep these communications private. The final take away that I hope my readers get from this piece is that using technology to spice up your sex life can be fun and exciting, but should be done in a way that protects both parties while still allowing them the freedom to explore themselves and their sexuality with their partners.

Wicked Wednesday 309 – Conviction – (I, Submissive)

 

We all have strong beliefs that shape us and make us into the person that we are. I strongly believe in being myself, whatever that means. In this particular instance though, I’m talking about sexual submission because that is a part of who I am. My submission is so much a part of me that I spent years feeling incomplete without it and struggling to understand why I felt like I needed it so much. I still struggle with they why of it sometimes.

But there’s something about service and submission that just does it for me. I crave that power exchange and while I have it in my life now, I am greedy and want even more of it. I don’t think I could do a Total Power Exchange 24/7 kind of D/s relationship. I do think I could use a bit more discipline and structure in my life and while I can be disciplined and make a schedule and whatnot on my own, that’s not the same as submitting to what someone else wants in regards to what I want or may not want. Like food. I have complicated issues with food. But if my partner and I are out and they order for me, even if they’ve consulted me about what I want, those issues vanish temporarily because it is OK for me to eat the food without feeling guilty because Sir says its OK.

There are so many things like that, that are part of my submission and I’m sure there are some that are as yet undiscovered. They’ll come in time as my submission improves and deepens and I become more in tune with what I want and need as a submissive. I’ve always felt that this was a lonely road to walk because I’ve never had people I could talk to about being submissive and what it means to them or to me. I could never open up to anyone about this side of my life because I simply didn’t know anyone who might even begin to understand. Now I’m learning that while the conversation would be nice, I don’t have to have it. I can explore my submission through writing or reflecting or even talking to my Sir. I’d still love to hear and learn from other submissives experiences because I think growth and change are an important part of leading one’s life, no matter how you choose to live it.

I think that my next goal in improving myself to be a better submissive will be to continue to work on learning to love my body just the way it is instead of the way I wish it was. Then when I am tied in ropes or left otherwise exposed I can focus on the event that is happening instead of wondering if the rope makes me look like a sausage about to burst from its casing or if my partner is repulsed by my rolls or my body as a whole. Logically, I know they aren’t. They show me every day that they think I’m beautiful just the way I am, but wrapping my mind around that one is hard. So here’s to pushing through that mental block, past those voices that whisper inside my head. Here’s to using these beliefs as a springboard to a better me.

Where will I go from here? Only time will tell, but I want to be a submissive that makes my Dominant proud. Proud to have me, proud to love me, proud that they have helped me become a better person through my submission. I, submissive, want to be good.

Lovers

Devon’s lips trailed hot across his lover’s skin before he bit down gently, just hard enough to leave a mark. They were tangled together in sweaty bodies and a pile of blankets and as they found one another’s lips, the room seemed to electrify itself with their desire. Soon the blankets had been kicked away and the press of their bodies together kept them warm.

He ran his hands down Andrew’s back, grabbing him at the hips and jerking him closer. They both moaned at the feeling of being so close together and Andrew’s hips thrust against Devon making him moan softly at the contact although they never broke the kisses they were sharing. Hands touched and roamed and skimmed across skin. Finally as their desire reaching a breaking point Andrew pulled away from Devon to grab the lube and coated both his hands and Devon’s cock.

Andrew’s fingers closed around his own cock as he grabbed Devon’s and began to stroke them both off watching his partner who stared back at him, his eyes dark with pleasure. They stayed here in this world they’d created for themselves both relishing the sensations that they felt. Finally Devon reached his breaking point and his own hands joined in as well. The men worked in tandem, their gazes never wavering as soft sighs and moans escaped them. Andrew leaned forward and Devon met him for a kiss. The two slid closer and Devon wrapped both hands around his and Andrew’s cocks, pulling them together. This made both men moan simultaneously.

They stayed like this, Devon sliding his hands along their cocks slowly for several minutes, leaning forward to share kisses, as Andrew’s hands roamed across Devon’s skin. Andrew pinched a nipple and Devon hissed with pleasure as Andrew reached out for the other one. Devon gave a squeeze as he felt both nipples being pinched at the same time and the pace of his hands increased. Andrew’s head fell back at this, as Devon’s name escaped his lips. “I need you.”

Andrew pulled free from Devon’s grasp, and leaned forward to kiss him once more before adjusting so he could wrap his plump lips around Devon’s cock. This made Devon moan as Andrew sucked at him hard at first and then became gentler, his head bobbing slowly up and down as he used his tongue to work across all the most sensitive spots. Devon stroked Andrew’s hair and pulled him carefully up and down along his cock for a moment before letting Andrew resume control of his motions. The hair pulling had made Andrew harder and he reached down for his own cock, trying to shift so he could suck Devon and let him watch the effect he was having on him. Devon smiled at Andrew’s squirming and watched him settle into position. He could watch his lover get himself off at the same time he was getting off and the sight only turned Devon on more. His hips thrust forward into Andrew’s mouth uncontrollably and Andrew reveled in the feeling rubbing himself faster. He wanted to taste Devon just as badly as he wanted his own orgasm.

It became a race to see who would get there first. Andrew sucking Devon’s cock or stroking his own and they both knew that, in the end, they both would win. Devon alternated his gaze between Andrew’s head between his legs and his hand on his cock and moaned again. “So good, Drew. Don’t stop.” The tone of Devon’s voice told Andrew he was close and he redoubled his effort licking and sucking and even nibbling at Devon’s cock. He loved the taste of him, the sheer maleness that belonged only to Devon. He moaned around Devon’s cock and the vibrations were almost too much to bear. Devon began to thrust against Andrew holding his head still with his hand pulling his hair, harder than he had before as he saw Andrew’s hand quicken its movements.

The two men moaned in concert and the vibrations from Andrew’s mouth to Devon’s cock were too much this time and Devon threw his head back with a sound of pleasure as he shot his come into Andrew’s waiting mouth. Andrew purred in delight making Devon twitch and suddenly Andrew was coming as well, covering his hand and even getting a bit on his chest. S he pulled away from Devon with a soft popping noise both men shared a smile before Devon leaned forward and ran his tongue along Andrew’s chest.

#SOSS – 7 – Sexy Sunday Fun

May More of If Sex Matters provides the scene of an idyllic afternoon by the water that easily makes me wish that I could enjoy something of the same ilk. But I’m not brave enough to strip down, anywhere but safely within the walls of my home. So I’ll live vicariously through May.

Backwoods Bedroom provides a sassy and thorough review of the Doxy Number 3 and, personally, I loved the car comparisons. And the crack about having kids, cause while I don’t have kids, I do have nosy neighbors and sometimes that can be just as bad. This is a fantastic review and makes me wish I could afford my own Doxy. But a girl can dream. 🙂

Little Switch Bitch gets her review on with the We-Vibe Gala, a dual motor clitoral stimulator. She highlights how the app that We-Vibe uses to pair their toys over Bluetooth has really been upgraded into something usable and provides excellent pictures as well some excellent commentary on her thoughts on the Gala. An A+ review.

John Brownstone and Kayla Lords get a joint mention this week for their perspective coverage of the February Photofest. I love how they are going about this and giving the rest of us a peek inside their heads and photos to showcase things they love about each other. My favorite post from both of them this week was about boots and I have to agree that there is just something special about a good pair of boots.

Gypsy Traveler by the lovely Cara Thereon set me aflame with a desire to do my own time traveling, to see what I could find. Alas, if only it were possible. Very mesmerizing read.

 

 

#SOSS – 6 – Round Up

Oh Joy Sex Toy
The most recent OJST comic tells us about an amateur porn site that looks like it has the potential to be hot as hell. I took just a moment to glance at Lustery’s homepage and from what I saw this website has the potential to have some excellent amateur porn that is well curated and very authentic.

Cara Sutra
This tale of a wedding gone Domme is absolutely fantastic and funny and it was all over a wonderful read. If you haven’t seen yet, go check it out!

 

 

Sorry for such a super short #SOSS this week my friends. I’m just now recovering from the grips of a bipolar manic fit that has left me utterly exhausted. Feel free to send hugs.