Wicked Wednesday 282 – Mirror – (Reflections of a Woman)

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Lexi sighed and ran her hands down her body. She was curvy yes, but she was also chubby, no not chubby, fat in all the wrong places. Spinning around she looked over her shoulder at herself and let out another sigh. At least, she thought, her ass filled out a pair of jeans nicely. But she certainly couldn’t see in herself what her boyfriend James seemed to see, not even when she stared at herself in the mirror as she was doing now. Another sigh escaped her and she wandered over to her closet trying to find something to wear for a casual date.

Finding nothing that appealed to her, she walked back over to the mirror and stared some more. “What does he see,” she whispered. Another round of staring at herself from any angle she could manage and she fell back onto the bed behind her, depressed, curious, and well aware that she was going to be late for her evening unless she got moving.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall…” she muttered to herself as she got back up to take a stab at finding something to wear. They were just going bowling so she could get away with jeans she thought and slipped her favorite pair over her black lace boy shorts. Now to find a shirt. Hmm, that’s it. V-neck shirts always showed off her cleavage nicely and if James enjoyed the view so much then she may as well give him something to look at. She laughed as she swiped her lips in berry pink, grabbed her bag, and went to wait for James. His knock came at the door only moments later.

When she opened the door he enveloped her in a hug and a kiss before pulling away to smile at her. “You look ravishing as always.” And a s always, Lexi blushed a bit at his compliment, although she was getting a little better at accepting them. She still had those doubt though and tonight they were in full force just like they’d been on their first date. Lexi did her best to push them away, but she was pensive on the ride to the bowling alley, thinking about how she wasn’t exactly a ten on the attractiveness scale and how she measured up or didn’t measure up and generally tearing herself down despite how hard James was trying to help build her up. Those were her thoughts and when they reached the bowling alley, James stopped her from getting out and took her hands.

“Look Lexi, I know exactly what you’ve been thinking about the entire way here and I wish you could see what I do. You’re beautiful and you don’t even know it. And if my guess is correct, you agonized over what to wear all day and spent some time staring into the mirror and generally berating yourself for not being perfect or skinny. But I don’t care if you don’t measure up to the world’s vision of perfect. You’re my vision of perfect. OK?” She nodded trying not to cry at the sweet words and squeezed his hands. “You’re right, I’ve spent all day ruminating on how I look and how I fail to measure up and everything that comes to mind of that nature. I know I’m fat, I know not everyone is going to like me or want me or even be nice to me. I’ve experienced enough shame about my body to last a lifetime and it some ways it probably will. But you help me try to be better. Now let’s go bowling.”

The pair played a few lightly competitive games (they were both terrible bowlers it turned out) before James decided enough was enough. He stopped Lexi from setting up the next game and told her to stop and look across the room. He covertly pointed out that she was being watched by a man several lanes over. “That’s not disgust Lexi. He’s wondering if we’re together or if we’re just friends. He finds you attractive.” The moment she glanced up the man looked away quickly as though he’d been caught in the act. Lexi looked at James. “Seriously? We’re on a date and you’re pointing out guys checking me out?” He laughed softly. “I just want you to know that I’m not the only one in the world that finds you desirable my dear. That’s all.” He pulled her closer and gave her a rather possessive kiss. “Let’s go back to my place.”

They turned in their ugly rented shoes and left. Lexi began to anticipate having some fun with James, even though she was feeling extra insecure tonight. She almost dreaded taking her clothes off, although he’d seen her naked before and he hadn’t shied away. She was just too deep in her own head. She hoped she could relax.

James poured them both a glass of wine and watched Lexi drink hers more quickly than usual. He took it as a sing that she was eager for him and smiled. Perhaps his little speech in the car had some effect after all. He sat the glass aside and pulled her close to him for another kiss. Before too long her shirt was off and his clothing followed until they were both nude on his couch. James knelt down and kissed his way up Lexi’s legs, enjoying the feel of her skin and finding a sensitive spot just behind her right knee. They’d had sex, but he hadn’t gone down on her yet and that made her nervous too. What if he didn’t like her vulva or clit, what if she was just too fat there too? What if, what if what if?

And then he kissed her clit and she sighed gently. James smiled up at her although she wasn’t watching him and continued to tease her with small kisses, nibbles, and tiny licks here and there. He wanted her to ask for this. To relax enough to enjoy herself. Gradually her legs opened wider and she gathered up the courage to look down at him as he sucked gently at her. Their eyes met and she could see naked desire in his, while he saw the fear in hers. “You know we can always stop,” he reminded her. “I…I don’t want you to stop. Please…” He smiled at her again and finally, given permission, he fairly dove into her, lifting her thighs over his shoulders so her could bury his face against her skin.

Lexi shivered at the feelings he gave her and began to whimper and gasp, slowly getting louder and louder as she neared that edge. He murmured words that she couldn’t make out against her skin and the vibrations were enough. She arched her back, thrusting her body towards him as her orgasm took her breath away. James looked up at the satiated and wanton looking woman on his couch and grinned. He wondered if she knew he’d been telling her he loved her. He took her to bed then and took her over and over that night, always driving her to higher peaks than before.

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Fat and Sexy: Falling Apart

So right now I’m starting to feel like this post should just be titled “Fat: Falling Apart.” There’s nothing sexy to it I’m afraid. I certainly don’t feel sexy. I need a haircut badly and that always makes me feel unattractive, but what also has me down is my complete and utter lack of gym attendance. Granted for most of July my car was broken so I had no way to get there and as of August I’ve been battling a knee injury that sent has me in physical therapy, but neither of those things change the fact that I feel like all the hard work I was putting in at the gym seems to be for naught.

However, my wonderful partner who is already incredibly attentive and loving has been even more reassuring of how I look and affirming to me that I am wanted and desirable. And I’m finally starting to be able to let myself believe it in tiny ways. It can be hard for me to hear, despite how it does make me feel, but that’s only because I never learned to take a compliment with any grace whatsoever. So maybe this is my silver lining that I’m starting to see the things in me that my partner has seen in me and has told me about for years.

Once therapy wraps up though and I’m back to myself (assuming of course that my knees aren’t wrecked beyond repair) my plan is to start back up in the gym and hopefully start to lift weights and roller skate again. Even if I don’t manage to drop a pant size like I wanted to by the end of the year being active and going to the gym will keep pushing me towards that goal. And for whatever reason that drop in numbers itself will make me feel better about myself. I know it isn’t healthy to tie weight loss goals to things as arbitrary as a clothing size, but there is something about getting to the next size down for me that will feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. I haven’t really examined the why behind this because I’m not sure if I care that much, but I do recognize it as unhealthy and somewhat obsessive of me.

So it looks like this month’s big take away from everything is that despite my injuries and troubles losing weight, my partner does still think I’m sexy and attractive and I’m starting to believe it when they tell me those things. Maybe one day I will see myself as attractive no matter what my weight or pant size is and can more fully embrace my own body for exactly what it is instead of for what it isn’t.

If you’d like to read more of my ramblings about being Fat and Sexy, there are several more posts scattered throughout my blog that can be searched for under the “Fat and Sexy” tagline.

Fat and Sexy: Onward and Upward

Alright. I survived going to the gym for three days a week and as of June I was going four days a week, except for the week I was sick when I didn’t go at all. Four days a week was hard. I really had to push myself to find the motivation to go, but if I can do four day then I can do five days. I even have my routines all planned out, especially since I learned last month that I could skate at one of the local branches of my gym. It means that by Fall when I start up the roller skating fitness class I’ve been taking when it is in session that I’ll be skating as much as 3 times a week and maybe more. Hopefully that will let me see an increase in pounds lost.

Although I did notice that my knee pads (for skating) are fitting me better and better so I must be doing something right and losing inches or something. Now if I could lose the inches in my arms so my elbow pads weren’t so tight. I need a new pair anyway. Also because I noticed my knee pads were fitting better I realized that it was progress and I was able to see it! Small progress, but progress all the same. And I’m starting to see it in my weight lifting as well. I may not ever be able to lift as heavy as I want to lift (squatting my own body weight would be admittedly cool), but I can lift heavier and heavier as I move along.

So yes, progress seems to be happening. Again, not quick enough for my liking, but I think a large part of it is my eating. I struggled for most of June with my portions and getting them under control and sometimes I still slip up, but I remind myself that losing weight is something like 10% exercise and 90% diet and so I keep trying to cut out excessive sweets and large portions. This isn’t to say I deny myself sugar because I simply couldn’t do that completely. I’m not that self sacrificing y’all. But rather swinging through the drive thru for an iced coffee once or twice a week I’m cutting it to maybe once or twice a month. I’m trying to add more lean protein into my diet and seeing if I can learn to like cottage cheese because of it. It’s sort of working, but only if I pair it with some fruit or something. I much prefer yogurt, but I know it can be loaded with sugar.

Overall, I’m finding that I am pretty happy with my progress most of the time. I have bad days just like anyone would, but I also have good days, and sometimes even exceptional days where I’m just really feeling motivated and I might start out on the elliptical, lift weights, and then drive across town to the other branch of the gym so I can skate there. It might seem silly to make the drive, but if I want to succeed then I have to be willing to push myself further and harder and faster. So here I am and there I go.

Do I feel sexier? Not yet. Do I see progress better than I did before? I’m starting to. When will I feel sexy? Who knows. Does my partner find me sexy? Yes. Does that help my outlook on things? Certainly. So while I’m not where I wanna be, I can’t bring myself to order sexy lingerie to wear, or I still have a hard time with my own nudity. I’m getting to sexy. Slowly.

Will sexy be the be all, end all of my journey? Not even close, but it will help. I want to empower others like myself who are overweight and struggle to feel sexy to be comfortable in their own skin, whether that means a gym routine like mine or simply learning to love yourself the way you are. Sexy is, after all, a state of mind.

Fat and Sexy – Struggles

So I’d been doing better and feeling better for a while. I really had. But I started slacking for various reasons, none of which were good, and while I’m holding at a size 24, I still want to be smaller, healthier, and yes, sexier. Recently I was in physical therapy for some knee pain and while I’ve not been given any restrictions on what I can and can’t do, I’m still not DOING anything.

Which is making me feel awful and very, very much not sexy. My gym routine has basically become non-existent and that fitness class only has two more sessions before it goes on hiatus for the summer, which means if I want to stay in shape over the summer I have to hit the gym or skate outdoors. And I have to get back to watching what I eat because especially lately, I feel like my appetite has been out of control. I’m at a point where things are really getting hard for me and it all started when I quit going to the gym. To make it worse I had gained back some weight. Not much. Just enough to make me frustrated with myself, to feel like I was worthless.

So it looks like I need to do several things. Re-evaluate my goals to start with and see what I can do to help them along over the coming months. And my goals are simple things like the gym and skating and eating better. I can do all those things. I’ve done all those things. So I’m going to do them again. In fact, by the time you read this post, I should have been doing them again for at least a few weeks. Feel free to tweet at me and ask. Accountability is a good thing.

At this point though, I haven’t cried or shied away from the mirror too much. I’m trying to be more honest with myself about my body, what it looks like. And what it might look like after I lose weight when I realize that I still don’t like the way I look, which might happen. I’m also trying to handle the fact that I gained some weight back in a reasonable fashion. Yes, my immediate response was to be upset and I still find it bothersome that I slipped off the wagon so to speak, but is less than 10 pounds really that big of a deal? I mean it shouldn’t be and to a lot of people it probably isn’t. But to me I’m having to consciously make the decision to not let it be a big deal or I will obsess over it and only make myself miserable.

Right now, I know my strengths, my weakness, my failures. I also know my plans, my goals, and my reality. So it is time for me to get my shit together, turn all those negative things to dust and take the positive things and run with them. Well, not actually run because I’d have two black eyes…but you know what I mean I hope. I may be struggling right now, but there is always tomorrow and another chance to be better.

Fat and Sexy – Moving Forward

In my first fat and sexy post I indicated that I could be fat and sexy at the same time. And I knew that was true, but what I hadn’t realized was how little I really believed in the idea that fat and sexy go together. That was especially true when my clothes came off. Dressed I can wear clothing like armor and in the right outfit I can forget that I’m fat, I can be sexy. If I was feeling really down on my body I would try harder than usual to keep it covered, even from my partner. Staying dressed all day, changing quickly in the dark bedroom, diving under blankets at bedtime so I couldn’t be seen, so my fat was hidden. Never mind that they have already seen me naked more times than I can count. Sometimes bad days are bad days I guess.

More exercise has helped and I continue to be motivated to exercise because I’m trying to reach goals that I set for myself. Being stronger is one of my big goals. Being smaller or skinnier is, to an extent, a lesser goal, but a goal nonetheless. I want to be able to wear cute clothes and not have to shop in the men’s department for t-shirts. And I’m getting there, slowly.

But recently, I had a huge revelation. My partner and I were cuddling in bed after sex (Yes, fat people have sex too) and they were holding me tightly against them, just where I like to be, and said to me,”You’re beautiful and I love you.” Now this may seem incredibly insignificant to most people. It is something a lover would say. It is something that mine has often said to me over the years we have been together. For the longest time I never believed hearing that I was beautiful or gorgeous was the truth. I would heavily discount those words as nothing more than words. I couldn’t understand how they could possibly apply to me. Yet, for whatever reason, that night, no different from any of the other times we’ve shared a bed or cuddled or made love, I actually believed them. My partner said something to me that for years I’ve struggled to accept and finally it seems to have sunk into my head.

Just because I’m fat doesn’t automatically make me ugly, unworthy, or undesirable. It just means I’m fat. And obviously people see that. But what people don’t see is the truth that my partner is teaching me. They’re not saying I’m beautiful because I’m fat, they’re not putting qualifiers on the idea that being thinner would make me more beautiful; they are simply telling me what they see when they look at me.

And if what my partner sees is beauty, then who am I to contradict them and disbelieve them. I know what I look like in my own eyes and I will probably always struggle with that, but I can never tell what someone else will see when they look at me. And I need to learn to let those insecurities go and trust the person who loves me most. I think having it sink into my head that they honestly find me beautiful is the first step to making that change. So here I am.

Fat and Sexy

I’m fat. I also struggle with feeling sexy because of it. Clothes don’t fit me properly, when I can find cute clothes at all mind you. I’m often limited to boring, plain cuts and colors because I refuse to wear the floral or big geometric prints that are something my grandmother would turn her nose up at. I gravitate towards darker more subdued colors as if I can take up less space that way.

Now I know I said in a previous post that you don’t always have to be sexy AND that I can be sexy because I am fat, but to be honest I don’t always ever feel that way. And I don’t think I am alone. Obesity runs rampant in today’s society, yet we are bombarded by models and actors and entertainers of all kinds who are the epitome of beauty, at least according to western or societal ideals. Even most plus size models are smaller than a size 14 or 16 I believe. The only exception I can think of to this rule is Tess Holliday and she is fucking gorgeous.

So what’s a fat girl to do when she can’t find cute clothes, feels frumpy and unattractive, and may suffer from body dysmorphic disorders because she’s spent years (maybe her entire life) being told she’s fat? Good question, and one that I don’t have a solid answer to. I’ve read plenty of books and websites and articles about how to accept your fat self and be happy. None of them ever really seem to stick even though they may resonate with me.

Now I’m sure there are people reading this and thinking, “Well go to the gym. Eat better.” etc. but it isn’t as simple as people make it sound. Perhaps finances prevent people from doing those things, perhaps other issues like mental health pose a problem, perhaps they live in a food desert. There are any number of reason why losing weight is hard. And if losing weight is hard, might feeling sexy be even harder? Might the apparent lack of pretty and affordable lingerie be a part of the problem? Might even your looking at your own reflection in the mirror be a problem?

I could list a million and one reasons why I hate my fat self, why I don’t feel sexy, why this is a a pandemic problem for women and men across the country. But what it boils down it is that we have been taught that fat equals unattractive and unsexy. Fat equals unhealthy. But what about when that’s not the case.? There are lots of fat people out there who can accept themselves as they are, without shame, and feel sexy no matter what society throws at them. Why, I wonder, can’t I, can’t we all?

Plus Size Sex

Plus size sex can face any number of challenges. Bellies get in the way, hips are wide, butts are big, and arms don’t always reach as far as we might like. And those are only the physical complications. Working around these isn’t necessarily difficult, although it may be awkward to do as it boils back down to, you guessed it,  communication. Talking about your weight or size, especially in the bedroom can be nerve wracking if you already feel conspicuously undesirable. Hell, talking about your weight is hard no matter where, how, or to who you talk about it to. But if you want to fix things, then you have to find a way to open up. Sometimes I do it via email to get the ball rolling and that lets me organize my thoughts better than if I just blurted them out.

Now, once you’ve broached this topic with your partner, what do you do from there? Well, you get creative. Pillows, blankets, beanbags, sex toys, (yes they can be for couples too) or specially designed sexual positioning aids like the Liberator line can all be very helpful in allowing you to have better and more comfortable sex. And really, this one goes for everyone regardless of size. I know another blogger who stated in her Liberator review that it had totally changed her sex life for the better. Trying out different sexual positions may also help. Pick up a book about it and see what you can learn. It might be fun to learn together and you might find something amazing. What are some other options you can try? Got any good ideas?

Next, what about the mental side effects of being fat in bed. You still may feel undesirable, but you’re also combating your own personal demons about what you look like, how your body moves, and what does your partner think of it. Are there other issues that you think of when it comes to having fat sex?

Getting past those mental barriers can be quite difficult because sometimes you might feel like you have to work through them alone. But what if you asked your partner about it? Scary, I know and not a question I have been brave enough to ask them myself to be honest. I know my belly jiggles and my hips are thick, but I don’t know what my partner thinks about this. Could it be that they are caught up enough in the moment not to notice all of these things that seem glaringly obvious and unattractive to me? That’s possible. It is also possible that they love me for who I am, fat and all, and we have great sex despite my fatness, despite society’s attempts to marginalize fat people as a part of the population with no sex life.

I vote for proving all those naysayers wrong by continuing to have sex and making it great sex. We can do this by talking, fighting through whatever demons we have, and maybe even remember that not every single body is perfect and that we are all flawed. Even thinner people may have insecurities and fear in or out of the bedroom. What society shows us isn’t always the full picture, it is only what they’ve decided the ideal body is and that’s not fat people’s bodies. One way to get past this is to not watch “mainstream” porn. Look for body inclusive porn that shows people of all shapes and sizes having all kinds of fun. Crashpad is an excellent resources for this although is it subscription based. I don’t know of any free and body inclusive porn sites out there, so if anyone does, please let me know!

Stay body positive and work on handling those personal demons and keep talking to your partner. You may find that your sex life just gets better and better as you do these things. If you feel like you need or want to lose weight, then do that. If you’re happy with your size then stay that size. But above everything else, make sure to take the time to enjoy yourself with or without your partner.
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