Wicked Wednesday 313 – Sexual Confidence

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

 

I walked up to the well dressed man in the perfectly fitted suit and smiled at him. He tipped his drink in my direction. “Hello there.” I felt completely out of my league here, but I knew the only way to find out if he might be interested was to try it. I refused to be the underdog who magically changed and got the guy. Instead I just let myself ooze a confidence that I didn’t always feel. I knew I wasn’t the usual picture of desire than many people thought they wanted, but ninety percent of the time, it worked and I got my guy or girl. He smiled and spoke, his voice deeper than I had anticipated. “Hi yourself.”

Taking a sip of my bourbon I smiled and opted for something cheesy and silly, hoping to make him laugh. “So what’s guy like you doing in a place like this?” as I gestured around the quiet, slightly seedy bar that was filled with a number of people having after work drinks, most of them dressed far more casually than either he or I. “I could ask you the same question.” “Nope. You first.”

“Well, I’m just in town for the weekend and this was the bar that an old friend and I used to spend our days at in college. I was hoping we could meet up again, but I’ve been stiffed it seems.” He laughed, shaking his head, “Probably because he found himself a hot guy to spend the night with instead.” I immediately wondered if I had misjudged my target, but I didn’t think so. “Now, why are you here Miss?” I blushed slightly and offered him a perfectly manicured hand (part of the confidence was looking the part you know), “Andrea. And this is my usual place to stop. It’s close to home and has one of the best whiskey collections in the city.” Another sip of my drink and another smile. “I didn’t get your name.” “Oh, I’m sorry. My name is Peter.” He grinned apologetically at me and signaled the bartender. “Another for me and another for the pretty lady here.” I finished my first drink just as the second arrived and I grinned cheekily at him. “So, what shall we drink to?” “Hmmm, I’ll drink to a gorgeous, curvy brunette with a sense of curiosity.” And he raised his glass as I giggled softly, “Well then I’ll drink to the cute blonde guy in the suit.” I raised my glass as well and we drank, both savoring the taste of our respective drinks.

We spent the evening flirting first subtly and not so subtly and after our fourth drink we both decided enough was enough. “Do you want to come back to my place?” I was direct and perhaps a little forward, leaning into him almost aggressively. He agreed, tucking a stray strand of hair back behind my ear. It was a simple gesture, but erotically charged after our flirting and I smiled. I expected him to be killer in bed and I hoped he could keep up with me.

We arrived at my small apartment laughing and talking about nothing important and as I shut the door and turned I found him right there. “I want to kiss you, Andrea.” I leaned against the front door and gave him a naughty grin. “And I want to do all manner of unspeakable things to you Peter. So I think it is safe for you to kiss me.” He leaned in and my lips met his, warm and soft, as I wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders. Even though I am not what one would call skinny he was physically larger than I was, although not imposing and he soon had me trapped against the door as we made out like a couple of horny teenagers.

He lifted my body against his and I was momentarily startled by his strength. Very few men would even try to pick me up like this. I found my legs wrapped around his waist, my skirt riding up my plump thighs to reveal the tops of my stockings. He pulled me closer and trailed kisses down my neck before murmuring in my ear, “Bedroom?” “Down the hallway, all the way to the back. And he carried me there, his hands kneading at my ass. “God, I want you.” He let me down, steadying me as I got my balance on my heels before I stripped to a matching purple satin bra and panty set. My plus size body was fully revealed to him and he smiled wolfishly, eating me up with his eyes before kissing me again, hungrily, needily. It didn’t take long before we were nude and in my bed, unable to keep our hands off each other. He wasn’t a perfect specimen, but his furry chest was warm against me and I reveled in the feel of his body. I could feel his cock and I reached down to stroke it taking pleasure in the look on his face when I did. “Don’t do that,” he rumbled, “or else you’ll have me popping like a teenage boy again. And I want to feel your pussy around me.” I gave a final squeeze and tossed him a condom from the bedside table.

I watched as he sheathed a thick, veiny cock and then pushed him back against the pile of pillows we had built up. Straddling him freely, my breasts and belly bounced as a rocked my hips against him, letting him fill (and feel!) me up. My hands rested on his shoulders as I rode him and his found my breasts, cupping them in his hands, letting the excess over flow. His head lowered to my nipples making me moan as he found out for himself just how sensitive they are. I moved fast, my breathing uneven and ragged as he teased me while I bounced on his cock.

Without warming he grunted and thrust himself against me and I could feel his twitching cock, which set off an orgasm of my own as I ground myself into him murmuring his name over and over. He held me close against him, unwilling to relinquish me quite so easily.

I smiled to myself, thinking how boring my night could’ve been had I not been willing to put myself out there and approach a complete stranger in a bar. It was all about being confident, something more people could stand to learn. I rested my head on Peter’s shoulder and kissed his neck. We might only share tonight, but I was going to make it a memorable one.

Advertisements

Fat and Sexy: Learning to be Both

So my last fat and sexy post was in September of last year and it was a shit show. I was having car trouble, knee trouble, and various other issues that I felt related to my problems with being fat and sexy. Fast forward to now and I’ve found out that I have arthritis in both knees that is probably only going to get worse so some of the physical activities I wanted to get involved in are probably either a straight up no go or not a good idea, no matter how much I might want to. Of course, I can also ask what physical activities because I’ve basically been a slug since February. But I’m trying to address that by getting back into yoga. Dear Gods, it is harder than I remember it being and I already knew it would be hard.

But what prompted me to write this post was something I read by the Formidable Femme herself, Sarah Brynn Holliday. Her post “When Do I Get to Celebrate My Fat Body?” took me back to all the times my ex disparaged my weight or otherwise made me feel self conscious about my body. It was so bad that I couldn’t stand to be naked around him or let him see my body. By the end of our relationship though I had lost weight and was finally “skinny enough” (as far I was and still am concerned I was still fat.) But it was too late at that point because I had decided it was over. Not him.

But no matter what size I was then or what size I am now, I still feel damaged and broken. My current partner assures me otherwise frequently, but when I can’t stand to see my own body reflected back at me in the mirror, when I try to eat less, when I try to be smaller because smaller is better, what does that say? It still tells me that I’m not worth the time or the effort, that I’m not good enough and that I’ll never be good enough. I fight this fight just as much as I fight to keep my bipolar disorder under control.

However, as much as I can relate to the post referenced above and how heartbreaking it is for me to see myself fight to be smaller and take up less space in a world where fat people aren’t given license to exist, I am also starting to relate to the idea that fat and sexy are not mutually exclusive of one another. My partner greets me with a kiss and “Hi Gorgeous.” on a regular basis. I’ve finally stopped cringing when they call me that. I don’t roll my eyes anymore, although I will still duck my head a bit, not because I’m ashamed, but because the (still unexpected) compliment embarrasses me a little because I don’t know how to gracefully accept a compliment of that caliber. I’ve never seen myself as striking or pretty or even cute so gorgeous is right out. But I hear it all the time. What do I do; how do I reconcile what I see in the mirror with what I’m told?

And the only answer I have is that I don’t know. So I try to just let it wash over me and be as accepting of it as I can instead of being ashamed of who I am and what I look like. I’m fat, even when I’m “skinny” I’m still fat, and I doubt I’ll ever be at my smallest size again. I mean come on, 2 pounds and 12.5 ounces is just unrealistic for someone my height! Yes, I just made that awful joke. In all seriousness though, I ask the question why can’t I be both fat and sexy? What is stopping me from being both? Is it just all in my head and a matter of confidence? Is the answer really that simple? It doesn’t seem like it is. But what do I know? I’ve never had the confidence to know what being both fat and sexy is. Maybe though, just maybe, I’m learning.

Wicked Wednesday 282 – Mirror – (Reflections of a Woman)

wickedwednesday

Lexi sighed and ran her hands down her body. She was curvy yes, but she was also chubby, no not chubby, fat in all the wrong places. Spinning around she looked over her shoulder at herself and let out another sigh. At least, she thought, her ass filled out a pair of jeans nicely. But she certainly couldn’t see in herself what her boyfriend James seemed to see, not even when she stared at herself in the mirror as she was doing now. Another sigh escaped her and she wandered over to her closet trying to find something to wear for a casual date.

Finding nothing that appealed to her, she walked back over to the mirror and stared some more. “What does he see,” she whispered. Another round of staring at herself from any angle she could manage and she fell back onto the bed behind her, depressed, curious, and well aware that she was going to be late for her evening unless she got moving.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall…” she muttered to herself as she got back up to take a stab at finding something to wear. They were just going bowling so she could get away with jeans she thought and slipped her favorite pair over her black lace boy shorts. Now to find a shirt. Hmm, that’s it. V-neck shirts always showed off her cleavage nicely and if James enjoyed the view so much then she may as well give him something to look at. She laughed as she swiped her lips in berry pink, grabbed her bag, and went to wait for James. His knock came at the door only moments later.

When she opened the door he enveloped her in a hug and a kiss before pulling away to smile at her. “You look ravishing as always.” And a s always, Lexi blushed a bit at his compliment, although she was getting a little better at accepting them. She still had those doubt though and tonight they were in full force just like they’d been on their first date. Lexi did her best to push them away, but she was pensive on the ride to the bowling alley, thinking about how she wasn’t exactly a ten on the attractiveness scale and how she measured up or didn’t measure up and generally tearing herself down despite how hard James was trying to help build her up. Those were her thoughts and when they reached the bowling alley, James stopped her from getting out and took her hands.

“Look Lexi, I know exactly what you’ve been thinking about the entire way here and I wish you could see what I do. You’re beautiful and you don’t even know it. And if my guess is correct, you agonized over what to wear all day and spent some time staring into the mirror and generally berating yourself for not being perfect or skinny. But I don’t care if you don’t measure up to the world’s vision of perfect. You’re my vision of perfect. OK?” She nodded trying not to cry at the sweet words and squeezed his hands. “You’re right, I’ve spent all day ruminating on how I look and how I fail to measure up and everything that comes to mind of that nature. I know I’m fat, I know not everyone is going to like me or want me or even be nice to me. I’ve experienced enough shame about my body to last a lifetime and it some ways it probably will. But you help me try to be better. Now let’s go bowling.”

The pair played a few lightly competitive games (they were both terrible bowlers it turned out) before James decided enough was enough. He stopped Lexi from setting up the next game and told her to stop and look across the room. He covertly pointed out that she was being watched by a man several lanes over. “That’s not disgust Lexi. He’s wondering if we’re together or if we’re just friends. He finds you attractive.” The moment she glanced up the man looked away quickly as though he’d been caught in the act. Lexi looked at James. “Seriously? We’re on a date and you’re pointing out guys checking me out?” He laughed softly. “I just want you to know that I’m not the only one in the world that finds you desirable my dear. That’s all.” He pulled her closer and gave her a rather possessive kiss. “Let’s go back to my place.”

They turned in their ugly rented shoes and left. Lexi began to anticipate having some fun with James, even though she was feeling extra insecure tonight. She almost dreaded taking her clothes off, although he’d seen her naked before and he hadn’t shied away. She was just too deep in her own head. She hoped she could relax.

James poured them both a glass of wine and watched Lexi drink hers more quickly than usual. He took it as a sing that she was eager for him and smiled. Perhaps his little speech in the car had some effect after all. He sat the glass aside and pulled her close to him for another kiss. Before too long her shirt was off and his clothing followed until they were both nude on his couch. James knelt down and kissed his way up Lexi’s legs, enjoying the feel of her skin and finding a sensitive spot just behind her right knee. They’d had sex, but he hadn’t gone down on her yet and that made her nervous too. What if he didn’t like her vulva or clit, what if she was just too fat there too? What if, what if what if?

And then he kissed her clit and she sighed gently. James smiled up at her although she wasn’t watching him and continued to tease her with small kisses, nibbles, and tiny licks here and there. He wanted her to ask for this. To relax enough to enjoy herself. Gradually her legs opened wider and she gathered up the courage to look down at him as he sucked gently at her. Their eyes met and she could see naked desire in his, while he saw the fear in hers. “You know we can always stop,” he reminded her. “I…I don’t want you to stop. Please…” He smiled at her again and finally, given permission, he fairly dove into her, lifting her thighs over his shoulders so her could bury his face against her skin.

Lexi shivered at the feelings he gave her and began to whimper and gasp, slowly getting louder and louder as she neared that edge. He murmured words that she couldn’t make out against her skin and the vibrations were enough. She arched her back, thrusting her body towards him as her orgasm took her breath away. James looked up at the satiated and wanton looking woman on his couch and grinned. He wondered if she knew he’d been telling her he loved her. He took her to bed then and took her over and over that night, always driving her to higher peaks than before.

Fat and Sexy: Falling Apart

So right now I’m starting to feel like this post should just be titled “Fat: Falling Apart.” There’s nothing sexy to it I’m afraid. I certainly don’t feel sexy. I need a haircut badly and that always makes me feel unattractive, but what also has me down is my complete and utter lack of gym attendance. Granted for most of July my car was broken so I had no way to get there and as of August I’ve been battling a knee injury that sent has me in physical therapy, but neither of those things change the fact that I feel like all the hard work I was putting in at the gym seems to be for naught.

However, my wonderful partner who is already incredibly attentive and loving has been even more reassuring of how I look and affirming to me that I am wanted and desirable. And I’m finally starting to be able to let myself believe it in tiny ways. It can be hard for me to hear, despite how it does make me feel, but that’s only because I never learned to take a compliment with any grace whatsoever. So maybe this is my silver lining that I’m starting to see the things in me that my partner has seen in me and has told me about for years.

Once therapy wraps up though and I’m back to myself (assuming of course that my knees aren’t wrecked beyond repair) my plan is to start back up in the gym and hopefully start to lift weights and roller skate again. Even if I don’t manage to drop a pant size like I wanted to by the end of the year being active and going to the gym will keep pushing me towards that goal. And for whatever reason that drop in numbers itself will make me feel better about myself. I know it isn’t healthy to tie weight loss goals to things as arbitrary as a clothing size, but there is something about getting to the next size down for me that will feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. I haven’t really examined the why behind this because I’m not sure if I care that much, but I do recognize it as unhealthy and somewhat obsessive of me.

So it looks like this month’s big take away from everything is that despite my injuries and troubles losing weight, my partner does still think I’m sexy and attractive and I’m starting to believe it when they tell me those things. Maybe one day I will see myself as attractive no matter what my weight or pant size is and can more fully embrace my own body for exactly what it is instead of for what it isn’t.

If you’d like to read more of my ramblings about being Fat and Sexy, there are several more posts scattered throughout my blog that can be searched for under the “Fat and Sexy” tagline.

Fat and Sexy: Onward and Upward

Alright. I survived going to the gym for three days a week and as of June I was going four days a week, except for the week I was sick when I didn’t go at all. Four days a week was hard. I really had to push myself to find the motivation to go, but if I can do four day then I can do five days. I even have my routines all planned out, especially since I learned last month that I could skate at one of the local branches of my gym. It means that by Fall when I start up the roller skating fitness class I’ve been taking when it is in session that I’ll be skating as much as 3 times a week and maybe more. Hopefully that will let me see an increase in pounds lost.

Although I did notice that my knee pads (for skating) are fitting me better and better so I must be doing something right and losing inches or something. Now if I could lose the inches in my arms so my elbow pads weren’t so tight. I need a new pair anyway. Also because I noticed my knee pads were fitting better I realized that it was progress and I was able to see it! Small progress, but progress all the same. And I’m starting to see it in my weight lifting as well. I may not ever be able to lift as heavy as I want to lift (squatting my own body weight would be admittedly cool), but I can lift heavier and heavier as I move along.

So yes, progress seems to be happening. Again, not quick enough for my liking, but I think a large part of it is my eating. I struggled for most of June with my portions and getting them under control and sometimes I still slip up, but I remind myself that losing weight is something like 10% exercise and 90% diet and so I keep trying to cut out excessive sweets and large portions. This isn’t to say I deny myself sugar because I simply couldn’t do that completely. I’m not that self sacrificing y’all. But rather swinging through the drive thru for an iced coffee once or twice a week I’m cutting it to maybe once or twice a month. I’m trying to add more lean protein into my diet and seeing if I can learn to like cottage cheese because of it. It’s sort of working, but only if I pair it with some fruit or something. I much prefer yogurt, but I know it can be loaded with sugar.

Overall, I’m finding that I am pretty happy with my progress most of the time. I have bad days just like anyone would, but I also have good days, and sometimes even exceptional days where I’m just really feeling motivated and I might start out on the elliptical, lift weights, and then drive across town to the other branch of the gym so I can skate there. It might seem silly to make the drive, but if I want to succeed then I have to be willing to push myself further and harder and faster. So here I am and there I go.

Do I feel sexier? Not yet. Do I see progress better than I did before? I’m starting to. When will I feel sexy? Who knows. Does my partner find me sexy? Yes. Does that help my outlook on things? Certainly. So while I’m not where I wanna be, I can’t bring myself to order sexy lingerie to wear, or I still have a hard time with my own nudity. I’m getting to sexy. Slowly.

Will sexy be the be all, end all of my journey? Not even close, but it will help. I want to empower others like myself who are overweight and struggle to feel sexy to be comfortable in their own skin, whether that means a gym routine like mine or simply learning to love yourself the way you are. Sexy is, after all, a state of mind.

Fat and Sexy – Struggles

So I’d been doing better and feeling better for a while. I really had. But I started slacking for various reasons, none of which were good, and while I’m holding at a size 24, I still want to be smaller, healthier, and yes, sexier. Recently I was in physical therapy for some knee pain and while I’ve not been given any restrictions on what I can and can’t do, I’m still not DOING anything.

Which is making me feel awful and very, very much not sexy. My gym routine has basically become non-existent and that fitness class only has two more sessions before it goes on hiatus for the summer, which means if I want to stay in shape over the summer I have to hit the gym or skate outdoors. And I have to get back to watching what I eat because especially lately, I feel like my appetite has been out of control. I’m at a point where things are really getting hard for me and it all started when I quit going to the gym. To make it worse I had gained back some weight. Not much. Just enough to make me frustrated with myself, to feel like I was worthless.

So it looks like I need to do several things. Re-evaluate my goals to start with and see what I can do to help them along over the coming months. And my goals are simple things like the gym and skating and eating better. I can do all those things. I’ve done all those things. So I’m going to do them again. In fact, by the time you read this post, I should have been doing them again for at least a few weeks. Feel free to tweet at me and ask. Accountability is a good thing.

At this point though, I haven’t cried or shied away from the mirror too much. I’m trying to be more honest with myself about my body, what it looks like. And what it might look like after I lose weight when I realize that I still don’t like the way I look, which might happen. I’m also trying to handle the fact that I gained some weight back in a reasonable fashion. Yes, my immediate response was to be upset and I still find it bothersome that I slipped off the wagon so to speak, but is less than 10 pounds really that big of a deal? I mean it shouldn’t be and to a lot of people it probably isn’t. But to me I’m having to consciously make the decision to not let it be a big deal or I will obsess over it and only make myself miserable.

Right now, I know my strengths, my weakness, my failures. I also know my plans, my goals, and my reality. So it is time for me to get my shit together, turn all those negative things to dust and take the positive things and run with them. Well, not actually run because I’d have two black eyes…but you know what I mean I hope. I may be struggling right now, but there is always tomorrow and another chance to be better.

Fat and Sexy – Moving Forward

In my first fat and sexy post I indicated that I could be fat and sexy at the same time. And I knew that was true, but what I hadn’t realized was how little I really believed in the idea that fat and sexy go together. That was especially true when my clothes came off. Dressed I can wear clothing like armor and in the right outfit I can forget that I’m fat, I can be sexy. If I was feeling really down on my body I would try harder than usual to keep it covered, even from my partner. Staying dressed all day, changing quickly in the dark bedroom, diving under blankets at bedtime so I couldn’t be seen, so my fat was hidden. Never mind that they have already seen me naked more times than I can count. Sometimes bad days are bad days I guess.

More exercise has helped and I continue to be motivated to exercise because I’m trying to reach goals that I set for myself. Being stronger is one of my big goals. Being smaller or skinnier is, to an extent, a lesser goal, but a goal nonetheless. I want to be able to wear cute clothes and not have to shop in the men’s department for t-shirts. And I’m getting there, slowly.

But recently, I had a huge revelation. My partner and I were cuddling in bed after sex (Yes, fat people have sex too) and they were holding me tightly against them, just where I like to be, and said to me,”You’re beautiful and I love you.” Now this may seem incredibly insignificant to most people. It is something a lover would say. It is something that mine has often said to me over the years we have been together. For the longest time I never believed hearing that I was beautiful or gorgeous was the truth. I would heavily discount those words as nothing more than words. I couldn’t understand how they could possibly apply to me. Yet, for whatever reason, that night, no different from any of the other times we’ve shared a bed or cuddled or made love, I actually believed them. My partner said something to me that for years I’ve struggled to accept and finally it seems to have sunk into my head.

Just because I’m fat doesn’t automatically make me ugly, unworthy, or undesirable. It just means I’m fat. And obviously people see that. But what people don’t see is the truth that my partner is teaching me. They’re not saying I’m beautiful because I’m fat, they’re not putting qualifiers on the idea that being thinner would make me more beautiful; they are simply telling me what they see when they look at me.

And if what my partner sees is beauty, then who am I to contradict them and disbelieve them. I know what I look like in my own eyes and I will probably always struggle with that, but I can never tell what someone else will see when they look at me. And I need to learn to let those insecurities go and trust the person who loves me most. I think having it sink into my head that they honestly find me beautiful is the first step to making that change. So here I am.