Fat and Sexy: Onward and Upward

Alright. I survived going to the gym for three days a week and as of June I was going four days a week, except for the week I was sick when I didn’t go at all. Four days a week was hard. I really had to push myself to find the motivation to go, but if I can do four day then I can do five days. I even have my routines all planned out, especially since I learned last month that I could skate at one of the local branches of my gym. It means that by Fall when I start up the roller skating fitness class I’ve been taking when it is in session that I’ll be skating as much as 3 times a week and maybe more. Hopefully that will let me see an increase in pounds lost.

Although I did notice that my knee pads (for skating) are fitting me better and better so I must be doing something right and losing inches or something. Now if I could lose the inches in my arms so my elbow pads weren’t so tight. I need a new pair anyway. Also because I noticed my knee pads were fitting better I realized that it was progress and I was able to see it! Small progress, but progress all the same. And I’m starting to see it in my weight lifting as well. I may not ever be able to lift as heavy as I want to lift (squatting my own body weight would be admittedly cool), but I can lift heavier and heavier as I move along.

So yes, progress seems to be happening. Again, not quick enough for my liking, but I think a large part of it is my eating. I struggled for most of June with my portions and getting them under control and sometimes I still slip up, but I remind myself that losing weight is something like 10% exercise and 90% diet and so I keep trying to cut out excessive sweets and large portions. This isn’t to say I deny myself sugar because I simply couldn’t do that completely. I’m not that self sacrificing y’all. But rather swinging through the drive thru for an iced coffee once or twice a week I’m cutting it to maybe once or twice a month. I’m trying to add more lean protein into my diet and seeing if I can learn to like cottage cheese because of it. It’s sort of working, but only if I pair it with some fruit or something. I much prefer yogurt, but I know it can be loaded with sugar.

Overall, I’m finding that I am pretty happy with my progress most of the time. I have bad days just like anyone would, but I also have good days, and sometimes even exceptional days where I’m just really feeling motivated and I might start out on the elliptical, lift weights, and then drive across town to the other branch of the gym so I can skate there. It might seem silly to make the drive, but if I want to succeed then I have to be willing to push myself further and harder and faster. So here I am and there I go.

Do I feel sexier? Not yet. Do I see progress better than I did before? I’m starting to. When will I feel sexy? Who knows. Does my partner find me sexy? Yes. Does that help my outlook on things? Certainly. So while I’m not where I wanna be, I can’t bring myself to order sexy lingerie to wear, or I still have a hard time with my own nudity. I’m getting to sexy. Slowly.

Will sexy be the be all, end all of my journey? Not even close, but it will help. I want to empower others like myself who are overweight and struggle to feel sexy to be comfortable in their own skin, whether that means a gym routine like mine or simply learning to love yourself the way you are. Sexy is, after all, a state of mind.

Fat and Sexy – Struggles

So I’d been doing better and feeling better for a while. I really had. But I started slacking for various reasons, none of which were good, and while I’m holding at a size 24, I still want to be smaller, healthier, and yes, sexier. Recently I was in physical therapy for some knee pain and while I’ve not been given any restrictions on what I can and can’t do, I’m still not DOING anything.

Which is making me feel awful and very, very much not sexy. My gym routine has basically become non-existent and that fitness class only has two more sessions before it goes on hiatus for the summer, which means if I want to stay in shape over the summer I have to hit the gym or skate outdoors. And I have to get back to watching what I eat because especially lately, I feel like my appetite has been out of control. I’m at a point where things are really getting hard for me and it all started when I quit going to the gym. To make it worse I had gained back some weight. Not much. Just enough to make me frustrated with myself, to feel like I was worthless.

So it looks like I need to do several things. Re-evaluate my goals to start with and see what I can do to help them along over the coming months. And my goals are simple things like the gym and skating and eating better. I can do all those things. I’ve done all those things. So I’m going to do them again. In fact, by the time you read this post, I should have been doing them again for at least a few weeks. Feel free to tweet at me and ask. Accountability is a good thing.

At this point though, I haven’t cried or shied away from the mirror too much. I’m trying to be more honest with myself about my body, what it looks like. And what it might look like after I lose weight when I realize that I still don’t like the way I look, which might happen. I’m also trying to handle the fact that I gained some weight back in a reasonable fashion. Yes, my immediate response was to be upset and I still find it bothersome that I slipped off the wagon so to speak, but is less than 10 pounds really that big of a deal? I mean it shouldn’t be and to a lot of people it probably isn’t. But to me I’m having to consciously make the decision to not let it be a big deal or I will obsess over it and only make myself miserable.

Right now, I know my strengths, my weakness, my failures. I also know my plans, my goals, and my reality. So it is time for me to get my shit together, turn all those negative things to dust and take the positive things and run with them. Well, not actually run because I’d have two black eyes…but you know what I mean I hope. I may be struggling right now, but there is always tomorrow and another chance to be better.

Fat and Sexy – Moving Forward

In my first fat and sexy post I indicated that I could be fat and sexy at the same time. And I knew that was true, but what I hadn’t realized was how little I really believed in the idea that fat and sexy go together. That was especially true when my clothes came off. Dressed I can wear clothing like armor and in the right outfit I can forget that I’m fat, I can be sexy. If I was feeling really down on my body I would try harder than usual to keep it covered, even from my partner. Staying dressed all day, changing quickly in the dark bedroom, diving under blankets at bedtime so I couldn’t be seen, so my fat was hidden. Never mind that they have already seen me naked more times than I can count. Sometimes bad days are bad days I guess.

More exercise has helped and I continue to be motivated to exercise because I’m trying to reach goals that I set for myself. Being stronger is one of my big goals. Being smaller or skinnier is, to an extent, a lesser goal, but a goal nonetheless. I want to be able to wear cute clothes and not have to shop in the men’s department for t-shirts. And I’m getting there, slowly.

But recently, I had a huge revelation. My partner and I were cuddling in bed after sex (Yes, fat people have sex too) and they were holding me tightly against them, just where I like to be, and said to me,”You’re beautiful and I love you.” Now this may seem incredibly insignificant to most people. It is something a lover would say. It is something that mine has often said to me over the years we have been together. For the longest time I never believed hearing that I was beautiful or gorgeous was the truth. I would heavily discount those words as nothing more than words. I couldn’t understand how they could possibly apply to me. Yet, for whatever reason, that night, no different from any of the other times we’ve shared a bed or cuddled or made love, I actually believed them. My partner said something to me that for years I’ve struggled to accept and finally it seems to have sunk into my head.

Just because I’m fat doesn’t automatically make me ugly, unworthy, or undesirable. It just means I’m fat. And obviously people see that. But what people don’t see is the truth that my partner is teaching me. They’re not saying I’m beautiful because I’m fat, they’re not putting qualifiers on the idea that being thinner would make me more beautiful; they are simply telling me what they see when they look at me.

And if what my partner sees is beauty, then who am I to contradict them and disbelieve them. I know what I look like in my own eyes and I will probably always struggle with that, but I can never tell what someone else will see when they look at me. And I need to learn to let those insecurities go and trust the person who loves me most. I think having it sink into my head that they honestly find me beautiful is the first step to making that change. So here I am.

Fat and Sexy

I’m fat. I also struggle with feeling sexy because of it. Clothes don’t fit me properly, when I can find cute clothes at all mind you. I’m often limited to boring, plain cuts and colors because I refuse to wear the floral or big geometric prints that are something my grandmother would turn her nose up at. I gravitate towards darker more subdued colors as if I can take up less space that way.

Now I know I said in a previous post that you don’t always have to be sexy AND that I can be sexy because I am fat, but to be honest I don’t always ever feel that way. And I don’t think I am alone. Obesity runs rampant in today’s society, yet we are bombarded by models and actors and entertainers of all kinds who are the epitome of beauty, at least according to western or societal ideals. Even most plus size models are smaller than a size 14 or 16 I believe. The only exception I can think of to this rule is Tess Holliday and she is fucking gorgeous.

So what’s a fat girl to do when she can’t find cute clothes, feels frumpy and unattractive, and may suffer from body dysmorphic disorders because she’s spent years (maybe her entire life) being told she’s fat? Good question, and one that I don’t have a solid answer to. I’ve read plenty of books and websites and articles about how to accept your fat self and be happy. None of them ever really seem to stick even though they may resonate with me.

Now I’m sure there are people reading this and thinking, “Well go to the gym. Eat better.” etc. but it isn’t as simple as people make it sound. Perhaps finances prevent people from doing those things, perhaps other issues like mental health pose a problem, perhaps they live in a food desert. There are any number of reason why losing weight is hard. And if losing weight is hard, might feeling sexy be even harder? Might the apparent lack of pretty and affordable lingerie be a part of the problem? Might even your looking at your own reflection in the mirror be a problem?

I could list a million and one reasons why I hate my fat self, why I don’t feel sexy, why this is a a pandemic problem for women and men across the country. But what it boils down it is that we have been taught that fat equals unattractive and unsexy. Fat equals unhealthy. But what about when that’s not the case.? There are lots of fat people out there who can accept themselves as they are, without shame, and feel sexy no matter what society throws at them. Why, I wonder, can’t I, can’t we all?

Plus Size Sex

Plus size sex can face any number of challenges. Bellies get in the way, hips are wide, butts are big, and arms don’t always reach as far as we might like. And those are only the physical complications. Working around these isn’t necessarily difficult, although it may be awkward to do as it boils back down to, you guessed it,  communication. Talking about your weight or size, especially in the bedroom can be nerve wracking if you already feel conspicuously undesirable. Hell, talking about your weight is hard no matter where, how, or to who you talk about it to. But if you want to fix things, then you have to find a way to open up. Sometimes I do it via email to get the ball rolling and that lets me organize my thoughts better than if I just blurted them out.

Now, once you’ve broached this topic with your partner, what do you do from there? Well, you get creative. Pillows, blankets, beanbags, sex toys, (yes they can be for couples too) or specially designed sexual positioning aids like the Liberator line can all be very helpful in allowing you to have better and more comfortable sex. And really, this one goes for everyone regardless of size. I know another blogger who stated in her Liberator review that it had totally changed her sex life for the better. Trying out different sexual positions may also help. Pick up a book about it and see what you can learn. It might be fun to learn together and you might find something amazing. What are some other options you can try? Got any good ideas?

Next, what about the mental side effects of being fat in bed. You still may feel undesirable, but you’re also combating your own personal demons about what you look like, how your body moves, and what does your partner think of it. Are there other issues that you think of when it comes to having fat sex?

Getting past those mental barriers can be quite difficult because sometimes you might feel like you have to work through them alone. But what if you asked your partner about it? Scary, I know and not a question I have been brave enough to ask them myself to be honest. I know my belly jiggles and my hips are thick, but I don’t know what my partner thinks about this. Could it be that they are caught up enough in the moment not to notice all of these things that seem glaringly obvious and unattractive to me? That’s possible. It is also possible that they love me for who I am, fat and all, and we have great sex despite my fatness, despite society’s attempts to marginalize fat people as a part of the population with no sex life.

I vote for proving all those naysayers wrong by continuing to have sex and making it great sex. We can do this by talking, fighting through whatever demons we have, and maybe even remember that not every single body is perfect and that we are all flawed. Even thinner people may have insecurities and fear in or out of the bedroom. What society shows us isn’t always the full picture, it is only what they’ve decided the ideal body is and that’s not fat people’s bodies. One way to get past this is to not watch “mainstream” porn. Look for body inclusive porn that shows people of all shapes and sizes having all kinds of fun. Crashpad is an excellent resources for this although is it subscription based. I don’t know of any free and body inclusive porn sites out there, so if anyone does, please let me know!

Stay body positive and work on handling those personal demons and keep talking to your partner. You may find that your sex life just gets better and better as you do these things. If you feel like you need or want to lose weight, then do that. If you’re happy with your size then stay that size. But above everything else, make sure to take the time to enjoy yourself with or without your partner.
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