Thoughts on Aftercare

Aftercare is an essential part of any type of BDSM whether it is a long drawn out scene or a simple spanking when the kids aren’t home. It makes the end of playtime a much more comforting experience and can be a great time for bonding with your partner(s.) As a submissive I know that being held and loved and being able to slowly drift out of subspace and knowing I’m safe is just an amazing feeling. But to me, even in my own relationship, it feels like aftercare is mostly directed towards the submissive. However if you stop for a moment and think about it, dominants or tops need their own version of aftercare as things can be quite demanding on them as well. The questions to ask though are A) do they get that aftercare and B) how can we improve upon the idea of aftercare for them so they get something out of it?

My partner and I have discussed this particular topic more than once and sometimes the aftercare for them is simply being able to take care of me. That helps them come back to center and feel more settled. But I often wonder if I, as a submissive, am doing enough to help them get there because many times I’m a shaking puddle of happiness, drifting through subspace and that makes it hard for me to do much beyond hold onto them and tell them that I love them. Repeatedly. Maybe that is what they need most in that moment. Sometimes, however, they need some space to put themselves back together and that’s OK too. Usually I get a drink and cuddles and they make sure I’m alright before giving me a blanket and ensuring that I know they won’t be far and I can always call out to them if I need them. That is another thing that works for us. What works for us might not work for you.

On the flip side, perhaps you are the submissive who considers things like getting your dominant a drink and making sure their needs are met could be part of your aftercare too. Perhaps you arrange things before hand to make it easy, which is great for planned things, but harder for more spontaneous play (unless you’re super organized and always keep things ready for when anytime becomes playtime.) However you do it I think that finding a way to take care of a top, just as they take care of a submissive is an important thing in any relationship, no matter how serious or casual things are between the people involved.

Aftercare means different things to different people and it can vary so widely that I don’t want to attempt to guess at what it means for you personally. I do want to suggest that readers take a long look at how they practice aftercare and see if there’s a way things can be different that might allow the dominant person to receive more or better aftercare as it seems to be good for them as well. If they are struggling to be grounded after a scene, what can you do to help them come back to center? Do they need touch and closeness? Do they need space? And lastly, how can you combine the aftercare for a submissive with the aftercare of a dominant in a way that allows the people involved to all get what they need?

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Wicked Wednesday 309 – Conviction – (I, Submissive)

 

We all have strong beliefs that shape us and make us into the person that we are. I strongly believe in being myself, whatever that means. In this particular instance though, I’m talking about sexual submission because that is a part of who I am. My submission is so much a part of me that I spent years feeling incomplete without it and struggling to understand why I felt like I needed it so much. I still struggle with they why of it sometimes.

But there’s something about service and submission that just does it for me. I crave that power exchange and while I have it in my life now, I am greedy and want even more of it. I don’t think I could do a Total Power Exchange 24/7 kind of D/s relationship. I do think I could use a bit more discipline and structure in my life and while I can be disciplined and make a schedule and whatnot on my own, that’s not the same as submitting to what someone else wants in regards to what I want or may not want. Like food. I have complicated issues with food. But if my partner and I are out and they order for me, even if they’ve consulted me about what I want, those issues vanish temporarily because it is OK for me to eat the food without feeling guilty because Sir says its OK.

There are so many things like that, that are part of my submission and I’m sure there are some that are as yet undiscovered. They’ll come in time as my submission improves and deepens and I become more in tune with what I want and need as a submissive. I’ve always felt that this was a lonely road to walk because I’ve never had people I could talk to about being submissive and what it means to them or to me. I could never open up to anyone about this side of my life because I simply didn’t know anyone who might even begin to understand. Now I’m learning that while the conversation would be nice, I don’t have to have it. I can explore my submission through writing or reflecting or even talking to my Sir. I’d still love to hear and learn from other submissives experiences because I think growth and change are an important part of leading one’s life, no matter how you choose to live it.

I think that my next goal in improving myself to be a better submissive will be to continue to work on learning to love my body just the way it is instead of the way I wish it was. Then when I am tied in ropes or left otherwise exposed I can focus on the event that is happening instead of wondering if the rope makes me look like a sausage about to burst from its casing or if my partner is repulsed by my rolls or my body as a whole. Logically, I know they aren’t. They show me every day that they think I’m beautiful just the way I am, but wrapping my mind around that one is hard. So here’s to pushing through that mental block, past those voices that whisper inside my head. Here’s to using these beliefs as a springboard to a better me.

Where will I go from here? Only time will tell, but I want to be a submissive that makes my Dominant proud. Proud to have me, proud to love me, proud that they have helped me become a better person through my submission. I, submissive, want to be good.

Wicked Wednesday – (Twenty One) – (Embracing the Numbers)

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Sometimes I’m made to count. The first time was twenty one (the goal had been twenty four I believe.) Other times the numbers have varied, but always in the double digits. I haven’t counted in some time, but now it is definitely on my mind.

If I’m a good girl, and I always am so I’m told, I get to enjoy lots of orgasms. Sir doesn’t often make me count, but when they do I’d better keep track of those numbers, which is really hard to focus on when you’re coming like crazy. And sometimes being made to orgasm over and over is the best thing in the world. It clears my head of everything but the pleasure I’m feeling and the endless parade of numbers that I must try to remember, but often lose track of. Losing track sometimes means starting over. It becomes a war within my head between keeping the numbers straight and letting the pleasure wash over me.

It is a sweet torture, one that certainly has its own rewards. Being teased and fucked or toyed with until those orgasms hit. After a while they come slower and smaller, but are still there. And sometimes in a fit of sheer exhilaration I get the giggles or I cry and I can’t stop. I’m fine and unharmed, but my body just gets so overwhelmed at the feelings and experience as a whole that I need another way to get it out. It is the same as a spanking in that regard, but so very different at the same time simply because of the sensations I feel. Although now I’m wondering how it might feel to be spanked while I was trying to count orgasms. Hopefully I wouldn’t be expected to try and count swats as well. I’d never be able to keep things straight!

But there are times that I struggle with it too. Sometimes the orgasm(s) won’t come no matter how much I may want one, or twenty one, and that is when I get frustrated the most. I get plenty of hugs and reassurances from my partner, but am also reminded that I’m very different from many women who always struggle to reach orgasm. Or from those who are “one and done” because I am almost never going to be happy with just a single orgasm. My body just begs for more, often until it is too much and leaves me aching. I usually get called a greedy girl then and I can’t help but agree. I know that I’m lucky to be able to experience pleasure in the way that I do and I’m glad that I get to have such awesome sexual experiences with my partner. I don’t think I’d change a thing about it when it comes down to my orgasmic nature. Does anyone else agree or disagree? Have thoughts on being able to have multiples orgasms or just one or even none? How do those individual experiences affect you?

Wicked Wednesday 235 – Victorian (Excerpts from the Journal of Lady E. Gregory)

Lady Elizabeth Gregory dismounted her horse and swept inside imperiously. She strode to her office and immediately found her journal and wrote thusly –

3rd, October, 1868

What a trying day! While James whiles away his time gambling and whoring around I handle his affairs and am treated like little more than nothing. He will not find me to be such a mealy mouthed thing as that girl I spotted him with last week as well he should know. Yes, I am on to his games. And he will pay for them. –

Approaching footsteps made her tuck the journal away and just in time as she stood to meet one Miss Lucinda Robbins, who was shown in by one of the day maids. “Miss Robbins. I understand you have some business with my husband.” “N…no M’Lady I’d never…” “Do not contradict me you little tart! Now, this is how things will go. James may continue to see you at his discretion, but in turn you will report to me anything you hear that may be of use, no matter how inconsequential it may seem. If not both of you will face my consequences. Now get out.”

Miss Robbins scurried from the room almost in tears at the tone the icy blonde woman had taken with her and quite puzzled at the idea that Lady Gregory appeared to be allowing James to do as he wished with her. And said lady resumed her writing –

Well, that nasty business is done. I’ll see James at table later and can tell him all about how I met a delightful young lady today. I wonder how he’s doing at cards today; presumably terribly as always. I’ll be cutting his allowance before too long. Men…they need such firm guidance. And now that I have Miss Lucinda I believe he will come to heel nicely. –

In the following weeks James appeared to be a model husband, solicitous of his wife, tending to her needs and always a gentleman. It seemed her chat with Miss Robbins had found its way back to his ears after all. He gambled less, drank less, and generally acted his part as a member of the peerage. Until the night he didn’t which of course was shared by Lucinda Robbins.

13th, November, 1868

Sending a servant to fetch James was the best part. He was shocked sober when he arrived home to find myself and Miss Robbins in the drawing room, even moreso to see that his paramour was nude before me and kneeling on the carpet like he used to do. I tapped my quirt against my skirts gently to call both of their attention to it. He had been bad and I had called his bluff. I would be punishing his darling Lucinda instead of him and that would happen every time his indiscretion got the best of him. Miss Robbins silently knelt down exposing her derriere to both of us, but her eyes were all for James as his were for her. And I whipped my dear husband’s mistress til she cried all while he pleaded with me to let her be in such plaintive tones that I only whipped her harder. Beating him hadn’t worked since he enjoyed it so, but beating her….ah beating Miss Lucinda seemed a charm to bind him with. I find myself hoping he fails me again.-

15th, November, 1868

James came to me earlier today, begging forgiveness for not having been better. He was still terribly distressed about my having beaten Lucinda Robbins in his place. He implored me to leave her be and to resume striking him instead. I laughed and merely shook my head. He knew he’d lost and now we would play exclusively by my rules. I told him if he was very good I might be willing to cane him as a reward, but any unseemly behavior from him would earn his little trollop a whipping. She would be his whipping girl and he would act his part as my wonderfully loving husband and do as I said. Unlike most women raised in this age I am not some tepid, simpering fool, willing to stand idly by and wait for my husband to give me permission to live. No, I will give (and take from him) such permission. Because he is mine and he loves every moment of it when he’s good. Now that I’ve devised the best way to punish him I think he will toe the mark quite nicely. –

21st, December, 1868

I’ve chastised that dreadful woman twice more now since mid-November. It really is a shame, I think in another time she and I might have been friends. I must devise something new though as both she and James appear to have become inured to the beatings. Perhaps some face sitting next or a good round driven about the room by my boots. And if he drops her (or she drops him perhaps), well then, I’ll find the next one and make her his whipping girl too. Perhaps I should consider finding a cage for him. Would that help him be better for me? –

4th, January, 1869

James came to me before things reached a critical point this time. I believe my errant darling is learning that if he wants a proper allowance, to keep his little dove safe, and to not be forced into chastity, then he has no choice but to confess himself before me and beg forgiveness. I admit, I am surprised by that Robbins girl though. Still around and still hangs on to his every word from the gossip about town. We’ve no children yet, so maybe I will devise a way to get Miss Robbins gone for good using that as leverage. Then I can find delightful new ways to torture the dear man and perhaps fulfill my wifely duties as well. –

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