Fat and Sexy – Struggles

So I’d been doing better and feeling better for a while. I really had. But I started slacking for various reasons, none of which were good, and while I’m holding at a size 24, I still want to be smaller, healthier, and yes, sexier. Recently I was in physical therapy for some knee pain and while I’ve not been given any restrictions on what I can and can’t do, I’m still not DOING anything.

Which is making me feel awful and very, very much not sexy. My gym routine has basically become non-existent and that fitness class only has two more sessions before it goes on hiatus for the summer, which means if I want to stay in shape over the summer I have to hit the gym or skate outdoors. And I have to get back to watching what I eat because especially lately, I feel like my appetite has been out of control. I’m at a point where things are really getting hard for me and it all started when I quit going to the gym. To make it worse I had gained back some weight. Not much. Just enough to make me frustrated with myself, to feel like I was worthless.

So it looks like I need to do several things. Re-evaluate my goals to start with and see what I can do to help them along over the coming months. And my goals are simple things like the gym and skating and eating better. I can do all those things. I’ve done all those things. So I’m going to do them again. In fact, by the time you read this post, I should have been doing them again for at least a few weeks. Feel free to tweet at me and ask. Accountability is a good thing.

At this point though, I haven’t cried or shied away from the mirror too much. I’m trying to be more honest with myself about my body, what it looks like. And what it might look like after I lose weight when I realize that I still don’t like the way I look, which might happen. I’m also trying to handle the fact that I gained some weight back in a reasonable fashion. Yes, my immediate response was to be upset and I still find it bothersome that I slipped off the wagon so to speak, but is less than 10 pounds really that big of a deal? I mean it shouldn’t be and to a lot of people it probably isn’t. But to me I’m having to consciously make the decision to not let it be a big deal or I will obsess over it and only make myself miserable.

Right now, I know my strengths, my weakness, my failures. I also know my plans, my goals, and my reality. So it is time for me to get my shit together, turn all those negative things to dust and take the positive things and run with them. Well, not actually run because I’d have two black eyes…but you know what I mean I hope. I may be struggling right now, but there is always tomorrow and another chance to be better.

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Fat and Sexy – Moving Forward

In my first fat and sexy post I indicated that I could be fat and sexy at the same time. And I knew that was true, but what I hadn’t realized was how little I really believed in the idea that fat and sexy go together. That was especially true when my clothes came off. Dressed I can wear clothing like armor and in the right outfit I can forget that I’m fat, I can be sexy. If I was feeling really down on my body I would try harder than usual to keep it covered, even from my partner. Staying dressed all day, changing quickly in the dark bedroom, diving under blankets at bedtime so I couldn’t be seen, so my fat was hidden. Never mind that they have already seen me naked more times than I can count. Sometimes bad days are bad days I guess.

More exercise has helped and I continue to be motivated to exercise because I’m trying to reach goals that I set for myself. Being stronger is one of my big goals. Being smaller or skinnier is, to an extent, a lesser goal, but a goal nonetheless. I want to be able to wear cute clothes and not have to shop in the men’s department for t-shirts. And I’m getting there, slowly.

But recently, I had a huge revelation. My partner and I were cuddling in bed after sex (Yes, fat people have sex too) and they were holding me tightly against them, just where I like to be, and said to me,”You’re beautiful and I love you.” Now this may seem incredibly insignificant to most people. It is something a lover would say. It is something that mine has often said to me over the years we have been together. For the longest time I never believed hearing that I was beautiful or gorgeous was the truth. I would heavily discount those words as nothing more than words. I couldn’t understand how they could possibly apply to me. Yet, for whatever reason, that night, no different from any of the other times we’ve shared a bed or cuddled or made love, I actually believed them. My partner said something to me that for years I’ve struggled to accept and finally it seems to have sunk into my head.

Just because I’m fat doesn’t automatically make me ugly, unworthy, or undesirable. It just means I’m fat. And obviously people see that. But what people don’t see is the truth that my partner is teaching me. They’re not saying I’m beautiful because I’m fat, they’re not putting qualifiers on the idea that being thinner would make me more beautiful; they are simply telling me what they see when they look at me.

And if what my partner sees is beauty, then who am I to contradict them and disbelieve them. I know what I look like in my own eyes and I will probably always struggle with that, but I can never tell what someone else will see when they look at me. And I need to learn to let those insecurities go and trust the person who loves me most. I think having it sink into my head that they honestly find me beautiful is the first step to making that change. So here I am.

Sex with Women vs. Sex with Men (My Experiences)

I’ve had my share of sex with both men and women and it seems like there can be a huge difference between the two. Dating almost exclusively girls all the way through high school I was in awe of their softness and femininity. It was such a contrast for someone who felt they came off as hard and at least a little butch. I loved the way their skin felt under my hands and the softness of their lips. I loved that they often seemed soft and plaint and were ready, willing, and able to do anything I asked. If they said no, then it was no and the same went if I said no. I was very aggressive with them and it worked. I thoroughly enjoyed all the time I spent with my girls. One of my best nights was with my friend (we’ll call her Kitty) and she was soft and plump and her breasts were delightful. We are still friends and even now I love her a little.

Kitty was brave and fearless and would try anything that came up in conversation. We often shared nights at her house making love as quietly as we could so we didn’t get caught by her parents and then have to explain ourselves as neither of us were out yet except at school (although I suspect my father knew about me). But my experiences with Kitty were what shaped a lot of my sexual attitudes and mores because we were both willing to be so honest with one another.

With all my girlfriends and female FWBs learning our bodies and each others bodies brought only pleasure and we reveled in it, delighted by what we learned and shared with one another. Protection never seemed like an issue we had to worry about since we couldn’t get pregnant and the idea that one of us might have an STI never seemed to occur to us.

I did have sex with one young woman who was a few years older than me who was hard and definitely butch, but very tiny. It made for an interesting contract between the two of us because despite her attitude and mine being so similar I still took charge of our activities and she became passive and incredibly lovely for me. I remember that she loved my eyes and I could look at her and that was all it took to have her wanting. And I frequently teased her, by looking at her over the tops of my sunglasses with a wicked smile on my face, just to watch her melt. We didn’t last long, but she is the one who really taught me that my sexuality was more powerful than I knew. And I began to use that power to try and seduce straight friends I was attracted to, which never worked well, although many of them were flattered at the attention as teenage girls can be. When I realized that I could have this power over girls I got curious and began to try it out with the boys.

And when I say boys I really mean young men, most of whom were older than me as the boys at my high school didn’t date “girls like me.” I wasn’t a pretty, popular cheerleader nor was I slender or even considered notable. (It blew my mind that some of my girlfriends found me attractive even.) But I digress. Back to the slightly older young men that I flirted with and teased. They were harder. Their lips not as soft, their skin slightly rougher, facial hair and larger hands. Being intimate with a man became a far different experience for me. I became the passive one, letting them lead me into activities.

I was game for pretty much anything that came along, provided that protection was used, and I always enforced that rule. And the men I fucked all found me attractive despite my being a little chubby, with unruly wavy hair, and an average enough face. And they would tell me so, as much as the girls did, which both flattered me and blew me away. I could understand how another woman might find me attractive, but these men who could have easily been fucking someone much prettier than I was struck me as odd and strange at first. I finally began to believe it and that gave me a desperately needed confidence boost. I kept my circle of FWBs small (because that’s all these men were to me and I to them.) I let them manhandle me, fuck me, make me come, but not one of them was able to bring my submissive nature really to the forefront. Even my husband of ten years failed to do that, although that was largely lack of trying on his part. But even as I was passive with the men that I fucked or let fuck me I was never afraid to say stop or tell them no. And most of them (save my now ex-husband) respected that rule. Consent was important in all of my relationships and I made certain that people knew that. I never felt devalued because I didn’t want to do something. I don’t think sex with the boys at my high school would have been quite the same.

The most striking thing about sex with men that endeared me to them was that, contrary to the rumors I heard, these guys wanted to please ME. It wasn’t all about them, but it was about us. When you’ve heard different for as long as you’ve been talking about sex with your female friends it can be surprising to learn that they were wrong and it is OK to take pleasure in sexual acts with men. And I did, just like I had with the ladies I was with. But there was still something surreal about sharing pleasure with a man for a long time.

Overall, I think the biggest difference in my experiences tended to vary from person to person, more than from men and women. I know that I was the aggressor with one sex and the passive partner with the other, but it was all sex, and usually good sex, although I did have some bombs like we all have I’m sure. Those tended to be more with men for whatever reason. I think it was a lack of communication on both parts. Sex was and is something I enjoy and while today I choose to be in a committed relationship with a man, I would have zero qualms about getting involved with a woman if the timing was right and having that softer experience once again.

Fat and Sexy: Progress and (slow) Acceptance

So when I wrote “Fat and Sexy” sometime ago I was really struggling with my own body acceptance and really not getting anywhere. Mirrors were my enemy and I was too much a fan of comfort food to lose any weight. When my weight ballooned and left me wearing a size 28 I knew that I had to do something. I was hurting too much to exercise and it was getting to the point where I got winded walking upstairs to my second story apartment. Diabetes and heart problems run in my family and I wanted to minimize the potential for having those in my life as well.

So I started with cutting out the snacking and comfort eating, followed that up with portion control, and slowly began to lose weight. It took a while because I wasn’t exercising, but I finally dropped a pants size and even losing that small amount of weight helped me see myself in a slightly different light. I still disliked the mirror, but it made seeing myself a little easier. And once I had my eating under control I started exercising. Slowly at first. I couldn’t keep up with the DVD I was using so I slowed it down to a more manageable pace. I started to incorporate body weight workouts. I even was going to the gym for a while, but I struggled with motivation in an unwelcoming atmosphere so that eventually kept me from going back.

Even so I lost more weight. Before the Christmas holidays hit I was down to a size 24, the smallest I’d been in several years. Now I’m back on my roller skates getting fit with a roller derby themed fitness class, plus getting back into a routine after having the holidays and having been sick for a couple of weeks. I’m making progress and while I don’t always see it, other people are noticing.

My relationship with the mirror is bordering on neutral. I’m starting to feel less shame and more acceptance for my body. I was weighed at the doctor’s office when I was sick and I’ve gone from close to 400 pounds to just under 300. That’s progress to me. So is putting my weight out on the internet for that matter. And here I am.

I’m not where I want to be; not even close. My eventual goal is to lose enough weight and be strong and fit enough that I can play competitive roller derby again. Not to mention becoming healthier, feeling more attractive, and generally learning to love myself no matter how big or small I am, no matter what the scale says, and no matter what society thinks. I’m fat, but I’m also gonna be sexy and happy.

Communicating Your Desires to Your Non-Kinky Partner

I’m a little kinky, my partner isn’t at all. And we knew this going into our relationship. At first I was afraid to talk to my partner because I’ve been shamed in the past for my sexual desires, kinky or not. So that was the first hurdle to overcome. To help me out, my partner offered frequent reassurance that it was OK to talk to them and would often ask me if I wanted to talk about it in a very non-pressuring kind of way. Eventually I began to open up.

And we started talking about things like fisting, being tied up, being spanked, being called names and the like. The more I talked about it the easier it got. That’s not to say that it is easy, because even four and a half years in, I still find it somewhat difficult (yay for my deep seated issues!) and sometimes I clam up at the simple mention of what they can do for me to make our sex life better. But we work through it and we both talk about our wants and needs and fears, not just about our sex life, but about everything in our lives.

That makes us stronger together than we are apart. My partner knows what I want, I know what I can reasonably expect to happen based on our conversations and we go from there. Sometimes things don’t go perfectly, other times everything is beyond perfection. It is all about timing and keeping the lines open. We even talk during sex about what is going on and working, what could be better, and what I do or don’t want at any given moment in time. And that can change and 5 minutes later I can want something I have just said no to. That’s OK.

My regular readers know what a high value I place on communication in a relationship and the same holds true here. It took me sometimes to work through past issues and trauma, but once I got there and got to a point where I figured if my partner could see me naked then I could probably talk to them about anything I wanted to do or try when it comes to our sex life. I would beat around the bush cause I was nervous (who doesn’t sometimes?) and finally just come out with whatever was  on my mind. I’ve never gotten a disgusted reaction, although I have gotten some let me think about replies and maybe I’ll get a  hard no one of these days. It’ll be OK. As individuals we are both entitled to say no just like we are  to say yes.

That yes/no dialogue often drives our discussions and will shape them into organic conversations that grown on their  own, naturally, and gives us time to stop and pause before responding. And if the words don’t come out right we can always rewind things and try again. I think that last bit is really the secret to sharing what I want with my partner. Words aren’t set in stone but in fluid motion,

Wicked Wednesday 234 – Promote (Essays By a Libertine)

As a sex blogger I try to cover topics beyond sex toy reviews and writing erotica. So along this vein I’ve opted to write mini essays on various topics related to sex, sexuality, relationships, and anything else that seems appropriate for my blog. A few of my favorites are linked below and I would love to have a discussion about any of them if they catch your interest.

Making Ethical Porn

Plus Size Sex

Sex and the Art of Playfulness

Differing Desires

I hope you enjoy this small cross section of my essays and if you’d like to find more they’ve all been tagged as “essay” for easy reading.

 

wickedwednesday

 

And if you missed last week’s Wicked Wednesday post, it can be found here.

Making Ethical Porn

So I read this article last night and it questions the idea of making ethical porn and how to do so. I agree that there are good points and ideas on how to make ethical porn presented in the article, well-paid, consenting performers in legally made videos featuring a sexually diverse cast.

However, this same piece also indicates that there is a large amount of quantity over quality kind of porn on the Internet and it is all free to view. Sometimes it is amateur porn, other times it has been ripped from another film or show and just uploaded to the “tube” site of choice. In today’s world a few keywords and a click of a mouse will find you any and all of those things. So if porn can be found so freely on the ‘Net, how can you make something that people are willing to pay for when they already view it as a disposable commodity?

I think that the simplest answer is that you can’t. Now I know that there are exceptions out there like Crashpad, but they are also made for a niche market that targets people other than the teenage boy or 40 something looking to just get their rocks off. Those people are just gonna find something free and easy, watch it, and go about their day. All of this free porn available has caused an economic downturn in which it becomes more difficult to make quality scenes where performers are paid well and treated well. These lowered production values can and do lead to exploitation of porn actors, both male and female, and that exploitation further degrades the idea of making ethical porn. It’s like trying to open a vegan, raw food restaurant in BBQ country with an ordinance banning meat for 5 miles around the restaurant. It’s just not happening.

That’s not to say it can’t happen, but in order for ethics to become more prevalent in porn then people have to start being more invested in their porn. They have to want good porn, watch good porn, and be willing to pay for that porn. And there are people out there who will happily do so if they have the money or inclination to do so. They aren’t the majority of people though and that keeps contributing to the lower and lower budgets of porn shoots which in turn perpetuates the cycle of exploitation, poor pay, mistreatment, etc. It also perpetuates the idea of quantity over quality because those low budget scenes are what makes it onto the Internet. I feel like the only way to consistently make ethical porn is to change the entire environment surrounding it.

Find a way to get people to care about their porn as more than just a way to get off, whether alone or in a couple; treat it like any other movie that is made and have standards and even a sort of watchdog group that ensures performers are being treated well and paid and whatnot. The problem there, however, is that there is so much stigma around porn and sex work that no one even watches to touch a job like that.

So what can we do at that point? I know that there is ethical porn out there being made right now, but we need more of that and to get more of that people need to get over the idea of shame that is instilled in them for watching porn and ask for what they want; they need to make themselves heard. You need to make your voice heard if you want more porn companies to be more ethical. Take a stand for it and despite my predictions that the economy of porn prevents it from being made ethically, maybe you can prove me wrong. Please do!