Fat and Sexy: Falling Apart

So right now I’m starting to feel like this post should just be titled “Fat: Falling Apart.” There’s nothing sexy to it I’m afraid. I certainly don’t feel sexy. I need a haircut badly and that always makes me feel unattractive, but what also has me down is my complete and utter lack of gym attendance. Granted for most of July my car was broken so I had no way to get there and as of August I’ve been battling a knee injury that sent has me in physical therapy, but neither of those things change the fact that I feel like all the hard work I was putting in at the gym seems to be for naught.

However, my wonderful partner who is already incredibly attentive and loving has been even more reassuring of how I look and affirming to me that I am wanted and desirable. And I’m finally starting to be able to let myself believe it in tiny ways. It can be hard for me to hear, despite how it does make me feel, but that’s only because I never learned to take a compliment with any grace whatsoever. So maybe this is my silver lining that I’m starting to see the things in me that my partner has seen in me and has told me about for years.

Once therapy wraps up though and I’m back to myself (assuming of course that my knees aren’t wrecked beyond repair) my plan is to start back up in the gym and hopefully start to lift weights and roller skate again. Even if I don’t manage to drop a pant size like I wanted to by the end of the year being active and going to the gym will keep pushing me towards that goal. And for whatever reason that drop in numbers itself will make me feel better about myself. I know it isn’t healthy to tie weight loss goals to things as arbitrary as a clothing size, but there is something about getting to the next size down for me that will feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. I haven’t really examined the why behind this because I’m not sure if I care that much, but I do recognize it as unhealthy and somewhat obsessive of me.

So it looks like this month’s big take away from everything is that despite my injuries and troubles losing weight, my partner does still think I’m sexy and attractive and I’m starting to believe it when they tell me those things. Maybe one day I will see myself as attractive no matter what my weight or pant size is and can more fully embrace my own body for exactly what it is instead of for what it isn’t.

If you’d like to read more of my ramblings about being Fat and Sexy, there are several more posts scattered throughout my blog that can be searched for under the “Fat and Sexy” tagline.

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Fat and Sexy: Onward and Upward

Alright. I survived going to the gym for three days a week and as of June I was going four days a week, except for the week I was sick when I didn’t go at all. Four days a week was hard. I really had to push myself to find the motivation to go, but if I can do four day then I can do five days. I even have my routines all planned out, especially since I learned last month that I could skate at one of the local branches of my gym. It means that by Fall when I start up the roller skating fitness class I’ve been taking when it is in session that I’ll be skating as much as 3 times a week and maybe more. Hopefully that will let me see an increase in pounds lost.

Although I did notice that my knee pads (for skating) are fitting me better and better so I must be doing something right and losing inches or something. Now if I could lose the inches in my arms so my elbow pads weren’t so tight. I need a new pair anyway. Also because I noticed my knee pads were fitting better I realized that it was progress and I was able to see it! Small progress, but progress all the same. And I’m starting to see it in my weight lifting as well. I may not ever be able to lift as heavy as I want to lift (squatting my own body weight would be admittedly cool), but I can lift heavier and heavier as I move along.

So yes, progress seems to be happening. Again, not quick enough for my liking, but I think a large part of it is my eating. I struggled for most of June with my portions and getting them under control and sometimes I still slip up, but I remind myself that losing weight is something like 10% exercise and 90% diet and so I keep trying to cut out excessive sweets and large portions. This isn’t to say I deny myself sugar because I simply couldn’t do that completely. I’m not that self sacrificing y’all. But rather swinging through the drive thru for an iced coffee once or twice a week I’m cutting it to maybe once or twice a month. I’m trying to add more lean protein into my diet and seeing if I can learn to like cottage cheese because of it. It’s sort of working, but only if I pair it with some fruit or something. I much prefer yogurt, but I know it can be loaded with sugar.

Overall, I’m finding that I am pretty happy with my progress most of the time. I have bad days just like anyone would, but I also have good days, and sometimes even exceptional days where I’m just really feeling motivated and I might start out on the elliptical, lift weights, and then drive across town to the other branch of the gym so I can skate there. It might seem silly to make the drive, but if I want to succeed then I have to be willing to push myself further and harder and faster. So here I am and there I go.

Do I feel sexier? Not yet. Do I see progress better than I did before? I’m starting to. When will I feel sexy? Who knows. Does my partner find me sexy? Yes. Does that help my outlook on things? Certainly. So while I’m not where I wanna be, I can’t bring myself to order sexy lingerie to wear, or I still have a hard time with my own nudity. I’m getting to sexy. Slowly.

Will sexy be the be all, end all of my journey? Not even close, but it will help. I want to empower others like myself who are overweight and struggle to feel sexy to be comfortable in their own skin, whether that means a gym routine like mine or simply learning to love yourself the way you are. Sexy is, after all, a state of mind.

Fat and Sexy – Struggles

So I’d been doing better and feeling better for a while. I really had. But I started slacking for various reasons, none of which were good, and while I’m holding at a size 24, I still want to be smaller, healthier, and yes, sexier. Recently I was in physical therapy for some knee pain and while I’ve not been given any restrictions on what I can and can’t do, I’m still not DOING anything.

Which is making me feel awful and very, very much not sexy. My gym routine has basically become non-existent and that fitness class only has two more sessions before it goes on hiatus for the summer, which means if I want to stay in shape over the summer I have to hit the gym or skate outdoors. And I have to get back to watching what I eat because especially lately, I feel like my appetite has been out of control. I’m at a point where things are really getting hard for me and it all started when I quit going to the gym. To make it worse I had gained back some weight. Not much. Just enough to make me frustrated with myself, to feel like I was worthless.

So it looks like I need to do several things. Re-evaluate my goals to start with and see what I can do to help them along over the coming months. And my goals are simple things like the gym and skating and eating better. I can do all those things. I’ve done all those things. So I’m going to do them again. In fact, by the time you read this post, I should have been doing them again for at least a few weeks. Feel free to tweet at me and ask. Accountability is a good thing.

At this point though, I haven’t cried or shied away from the mirror too much. I’m trying to be more honest with myself about my body, what it looks like. And what it might look like after I lose weight when I realize that I still don’t like the way I look, which might happen. I’m also trying to handle the fact that I gained some weight back in a reasonable fashion. Yes, my immediate response was to be upset and I still find it bothersome that I slipped off the wagon so to speak, but is less than 10 pounds really that big of a deal? I mean it shouldn’t be and to a lot of people it probably isn’t. But to me I’m having to consciously make the decision to not let it be a big deal or I will obsess over it and only make myself miserable.

Right now, I know my strengths, my weakness, my failures. I also know my plans, my goals, and my reality. So it is time for me to get my shit together, turn all those negative things to dust and take the positive things and run with them. Well, not actually run because I’d have two black eyes…but you know what I mean I hope. I may be struggling right now, but there is always tomorrow and another chance to be better.

Fat and Sexy

I’m fat. I also struggle with feeling sexy because of it. Clothes don’t fit me properly, when I can find cute clothes at all mind you. I’m often limited to boring, plain cuts and colors because I refuse to wear the floral or big geometric prints that are something my grandmother would turn her nose up at. I gravitate towards darker more subdued colors as if I can take up less space that way.

Now I know I said in a previous post that you don’t always have to be sexy AND that I can be sexy because I am fat, but to be honest I don’t always ever feel that way. And I don’t think I am alone. Obesity runs rampant in today’s society, yet we are bombarded by models and actors and entertainers of all kinds who are the epitome of beauty, at least according to western or societal ideals. Even most plus size models are smaller than a size 14 or 16 I believe. The only exception I can think of to this rule is Tess Holliday and she is fucking gorgeous.

So what’s a fat girl to do when she can’t find cute clothes, feels frumpy and unattractive, and may suffer from body dysmorphic disorders because she’s spent years (maybe her entire life) being told she’s fat? Good question, and one that I don’t have a solid answer to. I’ve read plenty of books and websites and articles about how to accept your fat self and be happy. None of them ever really seem to stick even though they may resonate with me.

Now I’m sure there are people reading this and thinking, “Well go to the gym. Eat better.” etc. but it isn’t as simple as people make it sound. Perhaps finances prevent people from doing those things, perhaps other issues like mental health pose a problem, perhaps they live in a food desert. There are any number of reason why losing weight is hard. And if losing weight is hard, might feeling sexy be even harder? Might the apparent lack of pretty and affordable lingerie be a part of the problem? Might even your looking at your own reflection in the mirror be a problem?

I could list a million and one reasons why I hate my fat self, why I don’t feel sexy, why this is a a pandemic problem for women and men across the country. But what it boils down it is that we have been taught that fat equals unattractive and unsexy. Fat equals unhealthy. But what about when that’s not the case.? There are lots of fat people out there who can accept themselves as they are, without shame, and feel sexy no matter what society throws at them. Why, I wonder, can’t I, can’t we all?

Wicked Wednesday 241 Anticipation – Flogged

I tense, for just a moment, and then relax my entire body, waiting…waiting for that first blow to connect with my flesh. Before I can tense up again I hear the distinct sound of a flogger moving through the air and gasp as it makes impact. My ass stings in a pleasant way and it starts all over again.

This time I am not tense, but only waiting for that next hit. The silence roars through my ears until that whoosh of air fills my head once more. SMACK! I am left wanting more, still waiting, at his mercy. I make no noise, no plea, only lie patiently to take my spanking like a good girl. It intensifies the silence. I can hear the flogger moving in his hands, feel him drag the tips of it along my skin. My body aches with the need for another blow. And it comes again with no warning. A sudden crack of sound and the heat burning against my skin. I only want more…

And it comes. In a sudden flurry of steady blows the hits fall like rain one after the other, giving me no time to react beyond enjoying the sensation. Suddenly there is no in between and those moments of forever are gone. The slow burn increases to a crescendo and my body writhes on the bed. I hear the flogger tossed as side and feel his hands on my ass. And the anticipation begins again.

 

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Hot and Bothered

Aaron gave an evil grin as he finished tying the knots that held Samantha to the bed. He loved seeing her tied up, squirming, and helpless just as much as she loved being that way. A quick double check ensured her bonds were secure at each ankle and wrist and he leaned down to kiss the petite redheaded woman. “Ready, love?”

Sammi nodded her head without saying a word, knowing to be silent until he wanted her to speak. “Good girl, you remembered the rule.” For that another kiss was awarded to her and his fingers tiptoed along her body caressing and teasing the entire way. She arched her body against his touch wanting more than just the teasing but was fully aware that she was going to be teased and teased and teased some more. Apiece of ice appeared, seemingly from nowhere and circled around her already hard nipples. Samantha gasped at the cold and shivered in her bonds. The ice was quickly followed by warm lips which only made her writhe harder. It wove a trail down her body and was followed everywhere by those same lips. Samantha remained obediently silent except for the gasps and other small noises that were allowed.

Slowly the ice melted away and new torments came about. A soft mini suede flogger taken to her breasts. Sharp tiny stings all across the tops of them, along her belly, against her pussy and back up her body leaving just the barest hint of pink on her skin. Sometimes the tips of the flogger just brushed against her, almost tickling and she had to bite her lip to keep from giggling at the sensation.

Aaron ran his hands along her warm skin gently and stroked her clit, just once, dipping his fingers lower and holding them up so she could she just how wet she was. “Lovely, my dear. Just lovely. And what should I do with you next…” He stared down at her intently, just watching the movements of her body, the squirming, the straining against her bonds, the way her breath hitched as she once again realized she was at his mercy.

He groaned and knew all he wanted to do was fuck the woman tied to his bed, but first, he grabbed the nipple clamps and gently put them on before tightening the pressure on them to just a hair more than normal. Samantha nodded at him and he smiled, kissing her again, deeply. Then he grabbed her favorite vibrator, placed it against her clit and turned it on before walking out of the room with the admonition, “Don’t you dare come.” He really just needed a moment, or two or three, to gather himself before he just fucked the woman silly. He wasn’t done with her yet.

Aaron walked back into the room, grabbed a dildo and slid it into Samantha’s already soaked pussy. “Remember, no noise and no coming.” He fucked her slowly, with the vibe still buzzing away at her clit as she bucked her hips, arching her body off the bed, trying to take in all the pleasure he was giving her. She begged with her eyes, her body, the shape of her lips and the grind of her hips for him to fuck her. And finally he took the dildo away, moved the vibe from her clit and slipped his cock inside her heated body. They both moaned at the feeling and Sammi’s hips bucked up hard and fast doing her best to fuck him while she was still tied up. Aaron leaned down over her body, pressing against her and whispered, “You may.”

Samantha arched her entire body as hard as she could when the orgasm hit a  high, keening wail escaping from her formerly silent mouth. Her orgasm seemed to go on and on as Aaron fucked her feeling her pussy grab and clench at his dick. He ground into her and with a sudden moan of ecstasy, he came with her, their bodies still pressed together, the ropes still reminding her that she wasn’t going anywhere. He smiled at her, kissed her cheek and slid his body down hers before stand up and starting to loosen the ties that bound her. She relaxed as he massaged her wrists and ankles and touched her so gently. Aaron climbed into bed and simply held her. “I love you.”, he murmured into her hair and pulled her closer as she faded into sleep.

Wicked Wednesday 226 – Friend (Two Best Friends)

Codi waited at the bus depot for her best friend, Alicia to arrive. Ever since Alicia’s parents were killed in an accident Codi and the military had become her family. She had gone so far as to buzz her hair short and was often stereotyped as being gay. Codi wished she were; she’d been half in love with her best friend for ages. But Alicia,  while accepting of Codi and her sexuality, had never even seemed curious.

Alicia stepped off the bus and scanned the crowd searching for her dark-haired friend but even in her boots she only stood about 5’3″ and was too short to see much. Codi watched Alicia looking around for a moment and smiled to herself at the look of annoyance that crossed her friend’s face when she couldn’t spot the nearly 6′ tall Codi in the crowd. The taller woman raised a hand, “Alicia, over here!” The soldier grinned and ducked through the crowd (one advantage of being short, she thought) and exuberantly flung herself into Codi’s arms just like always. Codi easily caught the petite woman and spun her around laughing breathlessly. “Hi LeeLee. Missed you.”

“I missed you too Codi, a lot. The last one was rough.” Codi hugged Alicia again and they headed to Codi’s beat up sedan, always in need of repair. “You wanna grab some beer and talk about it? Or would you rather let things go for now?” Alicia sighed, “I don’t even want to think about it right now. But I’m still up for a beer.” The women both laughed and after a quick stop, they were on their way to Codi’s place for a night of drinking and talking and catching up. Alicia grew pensive after a beer and wondered if she should bring up something that she’d realized while she was on tour. Nearly getting killed in the line of duty wasn’t something she wanted to tell Codi about, but she did want to tell her about what she’d learned. She was scared though. What if she fumbled what she was trying to say or if Codi didn’t want to hear it? Her overwhelming thoughts consumed her. “Hello. Earth to Alicia. You OK?” “What? Oh, yeah, I’m OK. My mind just wandered a bit that’s all.” She took another swig of her beer, screwed up her courage, and decided that this had to be said.

“Codi, I have to tell you at least one thing about my tour. And I don’t think you’ll like it, but you need to know; I want you to know. We were pinned by unfriendly fire and waiting for a rescue when I peeked around a corner to do a safety check and one of the shots grazed so close I heard it scrape my helmet. If I had been just a little further out I wouldn’t be here today. And that really, really scared me. It made re-evaluate a lot of things in my life. Like leaving the Army, like settling down and having a family, and I want you to be part of that family. I can’t imagine my life without you.”

“LeeLee, you know I’ll always be here for you. You’re my best friend and have been for years.” Codi took a deep breath before continuing. “And…well, I love you. I have for a long time and never said a word because I figured I wasn’t quite your type.” Codi dropped her head waiting for tears or a display of the temper that had so often gotten her diminutive friend in trouble in school. Instead she got neither and what happened left her stunned and speechless. Alicia leaned over, took Codi’s face in her hands and kissed her gently, tentatively hoping she wasn’t making the wrong move. “I love you too, Codi. I realized  when I came so close to getting shot in the head that I didn’t want to be without you. Ever.”

Codi crushed Alicia against her in a fierce hug and kissed her, hungrily, but gently at the same time. Alicia wiggled until she managed to be sitting in Codi’s lap and held onto her as though this was her only safe port in a storm. And maybe it was. The two women slowly undressed one another taking brief breaks from kissing only as they had to, hands exploring bodies, learning touches. Alicia trailed her kisses down Codi’s neck and the two both shivered together. “LeeLee, are you sure? This can always come later.” Alicia giggled and looked at Codi, “So can we.” Codi grinned, kissed her LeeLee once more and flipped her onto her back and buried her face into her best friend’s snatch licking and teasing and sucking over and over and over until Alicia cried out her name and bucked her hips against Codi’s face,unable to stay still. “Hmmm, you’re right”, Codi mumbled, “We can come later.” The taller woman scooped up her lover and carried her to bed. Fate finds a way when all else fails. And they found what they were looking for. Lovers and best friends.

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And in case you missed it you can find last week’s Wicked Wednesday here.