Fat and Sexy – Struggles

So I’d been doing better and feeling better for a while. I really had. But I started slacking for various reasons, none of which were good, and while I’m holding at a size 24, I still want to be smaller, healthier, and yes, sexier. Recently I was in physical therapy for some knee pain and while I’ve not been given any restrictions on what I can and can’t do, I’m still not DOING anything.

Which is making me feel awful and very, very much not sexy. My gym routine has basically become non-existent and that fitness class only has two more sessions before it goes on hiatus for the summer, which means if I want to stay in shape over the summer I have to hit the gym or skate outdoors. And I have to get back to watching what I eat because especially lately, I feel like my appetite has been out of control. I’m at a point where things are really getting hard for me and it all started when I quit going to the gym. To make it worse I had gained back some weight. Not much. Just enough to make me frustrated with myself, to feel like I was worthless.

So it looks like I need to do several things. Re-evaluate my goals to start with and see what I can do to help them along over the coming months. And my goals are simple things like the gym and skating and eating better. I can do all those things. I’ve done all those things. So I’m going to do them again. In fact, by the time you read this post, I should have been doing them again for at least a few weeks. Feel free to tweet at me and ask. Accountability is a good thing.

At this point though, I haven’t cried or shied away from the mirror too much. I’m trying to be more honest with myself about my body, what it looks like. And what it might look like after I lose weight when I realize that I still don’t like the way I look, which might happen. I’m also trying to handle the fact that I gained some weight back in a reasonable fashion. Yes, my immediate response was to be upset and I still find it bothersome that I slipped off the wagon so to speak, but is less than 10 pounds really that big of a deal? I mean it shouldn’t be and to a lot of people it probably isn’t. But to me I’m having to consciously make the decision to not let it be a big deal or I will obsess over it and only make myself miserable.

Right now, I know my strengths, my weakness, my failures. I also know my plans, my goals, and my reality. So it is time for me to get my shit together, turn all those negative things to dust and take the positive things and run with them. Well, not actually run because I’d have two black eyes…but you know what I mean I hope. I may be struggling right now, but there is always tomorrow and another chance to be better.

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