Wicked Wednesday – 252 – Recollection (Memories from a Broken Mind)

((Trigger warning – Sexual Abuse, Rape)) If this may be a problem for you please feel free to skip this post.

I was 19 and he was almost 22. We had been married for just over a year. The first time it happened I was asleep and I awoke to him fucking me while I slept. I didn’t know what to do or how to respond so I pretended to be asleep and let him finish. I cried myself back to sleep long after he had passed back out. That happened several more times until I finally told him to stop one night and forced him off of me. He didn’t seem to understand why he couldn’t fuck me, his wife, any time he wanted even if I was sleeping.

Later on it progressed to forced blowjobs when I was on my period. He’d beg and manipulate me until I finally would give in just to get it over it with. I later learned that this was called coercive rape. There were many more instances of that, countless ones over the years. It taught me that I had no worth, no value as anything other than a human sex toy. And I accepted that for many years. Nine to be exact.

He fucked me when we were both drunk once. I didn’t want to. But his fingers, surer than mine, had my jeans undone and my panties down before I could protest. I wasn’t even ready and it hurt. I buried my face in a pillow and cried to myself, thanking the Gods that I had always been on the pill and that I took it like clockwork everyday. He never even noticed my tear stained cheeks or the lack of an orgasm on my part. He just took and took without caring or giving anything in return.

I told him that I wanted a divorce because I was queer and even in such a stressful time he was still able to manipulate me. He held me down and performed oral sex on me just because he wanted to know if he could still make me come. So I closed my eyes and fantasized about it being someone else, anyone else but him. Because I knew he wouldn’t stop otherwise. He was so triumphant when I had that orgasm. Later he wanted a blowjob and I was quite literally gagging at the thought because he repulsed me so. He forced himself into my mouth and as far into my throat as he could. I almost threw up on him and he shoved me away in disgust. “Stupid bitch. You’ve done this dozens of times before. Why not now?”

Even after he moved out he kept coming back, hoping to catch me alone I think. He never did. It has been five years now. I still have nightmares. I’m terrified he’ll find out where I live. I don’t even like to see him in public because it fills me with so much rage and loathing both for him and for myself. Slowly, I’m healing. With the help of my partner and my therapist and even this blog I’m getting better. And I’ll never be his (or anyone’s) victim again.

wickedwednesday

If you missed it last week’s Wicked Wednesday can be found here.

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This entry was posted in anxiety, essay, memories, mental illness, PTSD, rape, thoughts, Wicked Wednesday and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to Wicked Wednesday – 252 – Recollection (Memories from a Broken Mind)

  1. tripx713 says:

    I’d love to give you a hug if you’d accept it.

    Like

  2. Your bravery in sharing is immense, a powerful hideous tale of abuse, apart from the physical and sexual abuse he also mentally abused as well (I find mental abuse is just sheer torture). You can/have come out the other end with help and understanding and perhaps the written word is helping as well, I certainly hope so you have done no wrong, he is simply bad

    Like

    • It took me a long time to even come to grips with the fact that he’d been abusive. It was just my daily life so I never noticed it. But yes, I’ve come out the other side, albeit with the memories and nightmares I can’t stop. Writing is certainly an outlet for me, which is why I post frequent erotica. It helps me piece together what I want and need sometimes. it sets me free.

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  3. and a big hug from here as well x

    Like

  4. jerusalemmortimer says:

    That’s a chilling story, a horror story. I’m glad you got out of there!

    I hope you not only piece together what you really want and need, but actually get to have it.

    And careful virtual hugs from me, too. That was brave, and it was powerfully written.

    Like

    • *hugs* Thank you. I’m in a much better place these days with a partner who gives a damn and has always been there for me, even before I left the ex. He helps me deal with it all as best he can.

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  5. I am so sorry you had to go through this. It’s terrible that there still are people out there who don’t recognize this as rape. I hope you will keep on healing and that you can leave this horrific experience behind you. Much love!

    Rebel xox

    Like

    • I don’t know if the mental scars will ever leave, but they are slowly fading. I feel lucky to never have been physically injured by him. Time heals, they say, and I’m 5 years out and no longer huddle on my bed terrified of sleeping so to have gone from that to where I am now is a big improvement. ❤

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  6. lurvspanking says:

    A ((((hug)))) from me too.

    Like

  7. Barnum says:

    All the hugs x

    Like

  8. OleanderPlume says:

    You are a warrior, a courageous wonder who not only survived, but flourished! Your story will inspire others and give them hope. All the best to you, lovely person, sending love and light your way xox

    Like

  9. Pingback: Wicked Wednesday 253 – Haunted House – (Demon’s House) | Livvy Libertine

  10. Pingback: Rape and Violence: My Experience of The Mental and Emotional Side | Livvy Libertine

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